what just happened??

how can a day be ruined when someone does so little

a life made perfect by something just the same

living in this moment is torture - breaking me down, taking me over

i wish i could rid of the grey in-between

and i hold on...wait a minute....it might be over
i fall down, how did you get this way to me?

i wasn't like this yesterday. i was perfect, i was stronger

but it changed when i heard you say my name.

i almost love this heart to be broken

and you hold all of it's pieces so casually.

silver lining on my fine china...and good things that always happen to me

take after my dad in too many ways.

i have a stupid sense of humor.
i have his forehead...no fivehead.
i yawn like him (although i try to hide it)
a temper.
i am silly.
i love to give.
i mostly love to give money, even though i need it.
i always think i am right.
actually..i KNOW i am.
i have a lot of love to give, but i only want to give it to those that want it.


but these are all basic things that people have in common with their parents. physical and personality traits. for each one of these things, i can name a number of characteristics i share with my mother.

such is life.
we are all just a bunch of lovechilds from our parents....this is truth.

what stikes me odd is the way that my infant career is starting to mask my dad's. (and i will admit that this scares me as i feel that he is a workaholic. and i ne'er want to be that girl...) the fun part that i find coincidental is that in retrospect, i have never sought out a job....like dad.

they have all landed in my lap.

from my first gig as a tee shirt store clerk. the owner told me she wanted to hire me because she recognized my mom as a continuous customer and liked her. so i ought to be good for the show.

i was 14.

this has happened for 10 years now. to wit:

the tee shirt shop
the antique mall
the shoe dept
working for moms and pops
the pharmacy
tanning salon
the internship
my current interior design firm position

none have a i asked for.
they have all been handed on a silver plate. at the precise time that i was starting to get desperate and just about to get to the point where i was going to think about maybe possibly toying with the idea of perhaps somehow checking into digging around for a job elsewhere.

which is great, seeing as how i am utterly lazy and complacent and would be fine still working folding australian cotton with a clip board. (that is completely untrue...but whatever)

my good friend boliver knows that i have a crap money situation. and that i am working my tail off for no benefits and a horrible salary.

for what? beh...experience shexshmerience. (wait....yeah)

and as my ambassodor, boliver's got m'back. he was out with a company meeting talking to my old boss from my internship about how great i am (thanks for lying, man. your check is in the mail) and how i am having a rough time at my current.

"call her. i want to talk to her" she said.

....and as i am on vacation last weekend, and driving towards new orleans, i get a ring from his number, but it is J wanting to know "what the hell" i am doing. apparantly, she knows of a great opening for a new coordinator job through her company and wanted me to send out my resume.

so...from my hotel, i did that night.
screw Bourbon street when i could be getting a new job, ya? (course...i am not a fan of it...so i wouldn't have gone down there anyway)

and it occurs to me that i was just about to get to the point where i was going to think about maybe possibly toying with the idea of perhaps somehow checking into digging around for a new job elsewhere.
and although that sounds really serious, i hadn't even put much thought to it yet. just an "i need to do this sometime in the future"...which is pretty much vague...because the future is as infinite as the black hole.

and here it is....finding me. (maybe)

so i go on my interview tomorrow.
having no expectations.
not to mention zero clue about what to do or say.
but knowing that Boliver, J, and several others are preaching my gospel to the interviewer and i sit at home hoping that this interview doesn't take so long that i won't be able to make it to Jarvis' on time.

...but i still hope i get this job.
::bites fingernails manically::

inspiration

i LOVE when i have an affect on someone.

if little or large, i don't really mind

as long as i know something that i said and/or did can influence someone to do something they wouldn't otherwise do...

at the end of the day, i am happy.

the quest...

to find my inner female...that i buried back in 1996 after a quick argument about how i was being too 'girly' over a boy, and yet again after Caney, who made me think that being happy and nonchalant was a bad thing, was gone.

(side note, i just ran my fingers through my hair and there is a huge knot...that i can't get out...ew. just, EW)

where was i? oh yes, my inner female....speaking of which, why is it that guys make us out to be so awful? i mean everyone has their quirks, and yes it is okay to stereotype because generally speaking women do obsess too much over trite things like...which pointy toe speaks 'badass' more than the other on the black leather boot aisle....and which color of pink best suits my personality...blue pink or orange pink??? and generally speaking, men burp, and stink, and dont realize how important it is NOT to have toe hair...

but my girlfriends and i don't make it out to be a disease to be a boy. NAY! being a boy means being something that we aren't. you supply the lawnmowing i'll trim the flowers and make a lovely centerpiece with them. so when you guys jab at us for PMS, or emotions, or whatever...you are crapping out on things we can't help. I'm sorry, take this one up with God, homeslice, because it isn't my fault i get periods...and my hormones flare to gargantuan porportions and i cry at things like, the shirt i wanted to wear still being in the washer, when i am running late for work.

please don't look down on us for things we can't help. love us for who we are. like we love you for getting sweaty and stinky and building things and breaking other things....

it is what makes us fit so properly...

so back to the inner female...guys' comments made my inner female squeamish. she hid for a long time. she didn't want them to think that she liked pink, and handbags, and makeup. she wanted them to think she was cooool. i mean honestly, i can see where she was coming from. guys are FUN to hang out with. they play video games and guitars and make things. while girls gossip, and complain...

UGH! SEE WHAT I MEAN?? SHE TRIED TO HIDE AGAIN!

it is FUN to gossip, and talk about feelings (read:complain), and rate people's outfits 'fugly or not', so i think i MAYBE made my point clear...if not, well so what....(sarcasm: sure wouldn't want to have to keep explaining and talking to much for YOUR liking, cause Lord knows, you don't know how to listen and communicate)

i made progess tonight. i went shopping with 2 females. (and if you know me, i have always been a bit scared of females....like they are monsters or something, waiting to slash open my throat and think 'i am so much prettier than..so and so' ) but we went shopping, then out to dinner (which was a bit tough, i will admit) and then...get this....i went to see Bridgette Jones' Diary II. yes boys and girls, a sappy girly movie. one that i would secretly wait to rent from a video store...and then cry as i watched it, but would NEVER and i mean NEVER go to a theater and spend 8 bucks to see...

and yes, i cried.

but the best thing of all....when boyfriend complaining began, instead of saying "you are blowing this out of porportion...quit being such a girl" i said: "i am really sorry you are going through this...

guys are such jerks."

....hmmmm

Ever have a 'crush' on someone you don't know?

I think crush is sort of a juvenile term...Let's try this again....

Ever feel compelled to think about someone you don't know, constantly?

I met him once, but only briefly, then accidentally stumbled upon some incredible information that made me want to climb on my roof and scream "HE FIGURED IT OUT! THIS IS INCREDIBLE....EVERYTHING I NEED TO HEAR SOMEONE SAY, HE IS CAPABLE OF SAYING IT! EVERYTHING I NEED TO FEEL SOMEONE FEEL, HE FEELS IT....!!!!!"

But that is a little extreme, I think....

So the "me? Typical girl? umm no thanks" in me (that I am trying to murder vindictively) just scoffs it off like it is no big deal...

But mmm mmm mmmmm this could prove to be fun. I always did enjoy a little challenge when it came to men. a genuine, g-rated, innocent, "hey look at me!" type of challenge.

....That's how it started....But slowly and sadly it ended. So many things learned...So many things lost....But, many things gained:

He turned me into who I am today, and I like this me.

The me that isn't afraid to say "you know what? So what if I cry at concerts.." Because he knew that talent moves me.

The me that knows it's okay to be grumpy when hungry or sleepy. He never needed me to apologize.

The me that would get angry, upset, or hurt, and although this me is incredibly strong, he could make everything better, just by saying "oh baby, how can I make it better?" I would fall for him everytime.

The me that actually accepted mushy-gushy cheesy whole hearted compassion. He was so romantic, and for the first time, I lingered in it. With him, it wasn't corny, it was....Well, perfect.

The me that says "I need you here" because I am not bigger than this world.

The me that says "please talk to me" because he showed me that communication can be a good thing.

That was the A that refused to let me go.
The A that said "I will wait for you as long as I have to"

...Yes the same A that one week after I let him go, fell in love with someone else....

Thanks for waiting.

15 Letters to 15 People

1. you are everything i ever want to be, and more perfect than anyone i know - faults and all. you make me stop to take a breathe of fresh air, and you are my fresh air. how can you always be so happy? i wish i could protect you from everything and just say "stop! don't you see how pure and wholesome she is? don't you see how loving and caring? don't you feel how you hurt her when you take advantage? " you are undoubtedly one of my favorite people in the entire world.

2. i know that you and i have our problems, but sometimes when i see you, i see the most gentle man in the world, and i wish that i could get to know you. sometimes, you make it hard. i guess i am the same. maybe it is best that we just sit in silence and learn about each other that way. thank you for the life you have helped me live.

3. i will never forget how i was your favorite. i will never forget how it was just me and you. it was the best time of my life, and even though when i see you now, nothing is the same, the memories always are.

4. i fell in love with you the day you said 'goodbye' not the kind of love that last forever, but the kind that says 'this is a true friend. he will always adore you' and i would like to think that you still adore me, and i never ruined it. i don't think i did. i sometimes wish you knew me now, because this is the me that even i have just met, and i think you would adore this me, too.

5. i miss the memories that i daydream that you and i would have had if you were still here. i hope where you are you can see me and i still make you proud. sorry for the dissapointing things i do...please know that i regret them, and i am aware of them. and just see me for what is in my heart; the things i am not even aware of yet.

6. i still remember you playing the piano while i was trying to sleep at night. and i remember the way you wanted to teach me everything to make me a better woman. i remember the way your house smelled on a summer morning. and on a summer night. i also remember getting in trouble all those times- which are still funny to me to this day. and the lipstick, no one could wear that color as boldly as you. you were one of the most amazingly strong women i have ever known.

7. you were the first man i ever loved. you were invincible. you were the unstoppable. i wish i could hear you laugh again. and to be able to sit on the lawn in a chair under the blue moon....you were like a ghost that night. but that image (thankfully) is burned in my mind.

8. i am so glad that you and i are friends. we are exactly the same and it is almost like we were meant to be together....not that way! ew EW!! but i think there is a bit of me that wants to find someone EXACTLY like you to make my Forever (only less gross) because you are everything i ever dreamed a partner could be. and you are more fun than anyone i have ever known. i can be true with you, even when i am hiding something from the world, you are the one person i long to tell.

9. i forgive you. i hope that you find your solid ground - you need to. i hope you quit stumbling through life as though there were no consequences and develop a conscience, you might end up being something good.

10. i wish at least once a week i could see you. just run in to you in a mall somewhere. just to get a good look at you....you were always easy on the eyes. i hope you found happiness; the kind that makes you live in 'rainbow bright land' as you called it. the kind that somone will say to you 'you know it isn't healthy to be this happy' and that you (unlike me) are able to tell them otherwise.

11. you dissapointed me so many times, and the latest was most definitely the last. i hope you grow up, but i don't see that happening soon with the company you keep. i never believed you when you told me you loved me. never bought it for a second. you were just alone and thought that would make it better, i guess. you don't know what love is, because you don't think about people's feelings. it really is simple.

12. i wish you could have been the one. just like you wanted me to be yours. i think i could easily have settled...but there was never a black and white with you. you were perfect except for a handful of things that were completely and totally wrong. too bad you couldn't have been just a little less perfect and a little less totally wrong, you might have been just right. but you found someone now...and had no remorse...how could you just let me fade away that quickly? because i still smell you, and still feel you, and still taste you. please quit haunting me....your ghost continuously breaks my heart.

13. you are my music guru...which is odd because you claim to have no musical talent. i think i just like sitting around with you not talking, but listening to a few good tunes and playing a few. you always know all the songs i want you to know...we share that common bond. i am on a mission to find a girl that will make you happy, but also make me happy too...because i don't plan on letting you go to some stupid chick that isn't as cool as us. i'll get back to you on that one.

14. what happened to you? you used to be the most influential person, and now there is no credibility. you lost that twinkle in your eye....what happened to you while you were gone? i don't know if i even trust you anymore, which makes me wonder....were you ever trustworthy to begin with? stop being so focused on yourself and treat a friend like a friend deserves...compassion couldn't hurt much either.

15. i am proud of you, but i worry about you. if i ever got a dream job that payed way too much, most of the money would go to you; anonymously. i hope she doesn't destroy anymore of you, because you are always fun. trust me, i am not what you think i am, not who you think i am...and realize that you don't know me anymore than i know you, and that is one hell of a shame. but, there is time and i am not worried, and i am not overly concerned.

when he won't go away.

talking to you is like daily rejection.

and even though i couldn't care less if i ever talked to you again,

i could never tell you that.

so instead, i just sit here with a scowl on my face

...that you can't see

because you never really saw me anyway.

you really just saw relief.

if only i weren't so nice

i could tell you that you are a sick man
you are a dirty man
you are lost
you are lonely
and you are pathetic.

but instead i remember how you looked in those jeans

and how successful you are going to be

and when you are, i don't want to be on your bad side.

and when i become successful, you will remember that i was always nice to you when you ruined me.

maybe....MAYBE you might have a little remorse for saying

"i don't need you"....because then you will know for a fact that

I don't need YOU.

of them all.

he got back in town last september
took the few things i can give away
though miles are thinning, i feel so much farther
from a time when i had things to say.
so maybe happiness really IS a fairy tale
if that's the case, i'm the queen
staring reflections, whose the fairest?
judging by you, it's not me.

"look at me and tell me what you are wanting"
straight answer, close my throat and fade
i cant think...
i can't breathe...
i can't have this conversation...
so only crooked lies escape.
maybe that's the consequence of learning on my own
if that's the case stay by me.
you push me aside, you pull me closer
but Here is a place, that i can't be.

once upon a time...things were better-
in his land, far far away.
but suffocation knows no measure
when "i'm not sure you can relate"

...his fantasy, my reality
terrible timing on a silver plate
do you see me standing in your reflection?
growing smaller as you drive away?

of them all, i'm too late.

the epiphany.

i, too, have thoughts
i, too, have feelings
is that more you bargained
look at what your dealing

i, too, have ideas
i, have heat, warmth, and cold
i, too, get angry
don't do what i'm told

stop treating me like an object
sensual...sexual - vain
i'm not your fantasy's product
for once, listen to what I've to say.