the first day of the end of my life.

me - "hey p. this is k. i just wanted to return your phone call, and let you know that i am interested in taking you up on your offer."

p- "wonderful!"

me - "i can start monday morning if that works well into your schedule.."

p- "well...i know you are working for your father right now...i don't want you to leave him shorthanded and hanging"

me - "no it's great with him. he couldn't wait to get rid of me!!!"

p- "ummmmm..."

me - "haha just kidding. he has been preparing for me to leave after my graduation for 5 months now. we just had a long lunch and discussed it, and he is happy with the decision to let me remain this week"

p - "then i will see you monday"

me - "well, there was just one more thing....can i request a vacation?"

p- "really??"

me - "yes. i had made reservations to go skiing in mid-march last year, and was hoping i could keep them..."

p - "............."

me - "i realize this would be without pay."

p - "oh. then it is fine. see you monday!!"

BWAH!

::sigh::

well, i got the job.
i haven't taken it yet, though
i am at odds at what to do, and honestly, this depresses me

he undercut me by 7,000 a year. 7,000 really?!?!? i mean, i could make the money he wants to pay me doing free lance makeup for lancome. actually, i could make more.

and no benefits.

but, it is more than i am making now. not by much....but then again, i have benefits here, so in actuality, i think i am still taking a cut in pay.

course, now i am not working in my field. i am working fro my dad. doing nothing.
granted i am working part time at the W....so that is in my field.

maybe i can get a job there in six months or so.

do i really want to wait around for 6 months when i could be working for a good designer now??

i guess i could take the job and stay until something better comes along, yea?
it WOULD be a lot of incredible experience that i would gain.

i just don't know......

maybe i am being a brat, but i think i am worth more money than this. i really do. but then i rethink it and wonder if i am being one of those cocky brats that just got out of school and thinks they know everything.

but then again, i don't think i know everything. quite the contrary.

can't hurt to take the job and then keep looking for something better....
i just....don't..know...

keeping out the bad

little grandma was my great grandmother on my dad's side. they called her little grandma because she was about 4 feet tall and her husband (grandpa carter is what we call him) was just shy of 7 feet tall. even when he was 99 years old just before he passed, he towered over everyone. huge man. and likely one of the most amazing people i was ever graced to know.

but i never knew little grandma. she died when i was one. but i remember this one specific picture of her that hung on my grandmother's wall in the hallway leading to the kitchen. she was dressed in a black frock with a white collar, her stone white hair pulled loosely into a bun and she had a silly little grin on her face. just from a glance at that picture you could tell she was a jolly woman, and stories of her confirm that persona that she portrayed in the photograph. we don't talk about her much. she isn't really a household name. but i have heard a few stories when i was younger - maybe 6 or 7. but i remembered

the house that my grandparent's lived in (now my uncle lives there) has been in the family since it was built in 1867. it has been renovated many times, but still holds that classic charm of a ranchhouse with the architecture.

most specifically the rooms. they are massive. every bedroom in the house could easily hold three king size beds. so you can imagine the large glorious antiques that are in the house.

in the room that was once the parlor, but as i remember it my grandmother's bedroom, there is a wardrobe with a full length mirror on the door. i have always loved that piece of furniture and had we not made the rule after my grandparents passed and we were dividing up their belongings that all furniture stay in the house because it is history, i think i would now have that case piece in my bedroom.

i had a dream one night that i walked into that bedroom and noticed that in the full length mirror i saw a reflection of little grandma sitting quetly in the rocking chair behind me. i had never met her before, but i recognised her from the picture in the hall.

in my dream, i wanted to hug her.

i turned around to walk towards the chair to give her a hug and a kiss on the cheek, but she wasn't there.
so i turned back toward the reflection, and there she sat rocking softly with her hands folded in a cusp in her lap.
she smiled. what a comforting smile.
and i returned it.

then she sort of waved her hand and i, again, followed suit.

she mouthed "hello. do you know who i am?" to me and i read her lips with no trouble.

"yes. you are little grandma. how are you?"

as her lips moved, no sound came forth, but i understood:

"i am good, but how are you?"

"fine".

and that was it.

i had never dreamt of her before, or since, but that was most likely the most pleasant dream i have ever had. it still makes me smile and i feel as though i am receiving so much love from her just through a dream. you see, i was going through a very rough time in my life when i had this dream. i did nothing but sleep. i wouldn't eat. nothing was wrong, per se...but nothing was right. i assume it was a depression, but...regardless, things were rough.

i wanted to keep that dream to myself, and i still two years later remember ever slight detail to the way the room smelled with exact replication. but i vowed not to speak about it.

until....

the next day my mom called me early in the morning. she knew i was going through a rough timem because i finally broke down to her and asked for her help. .she had even coaxed me to go to the doctor about it. but it still was not characteristic for her to call me early like this.

me - "helllo??"
mom - "kris, are you okay?"
me - "umm yes...(?) why?"

and she proceeds to tell me about her dream from the night before:

"i just woke up from the strangest dream and i was worried something was wrong. i dreamt i was in your apartment and i was walking into your bedroom to wake you up. your head was under the covers like you always sleep, and so i reached for them to pull them back and say your name....but i stopped when i smelled something. it was sort of musty, and it immediately reminded me of your great grandmother. so as i was reaching, i smelled her, and then felt a strong hand on my arm holding it back from waking you, but i couldn't see the hand, just felt it. then i heard her say, 'don't wake her up yet. i am trying to keep out all the bad but there are too many.' and that was it. the dream was over. "

to this day this story gives me chills. how would we have the same sort of dream about a family member that neither one of us really knew, and never talked about on the same night?

i tell you folks, i have someone watching over me, and i am glad it is a meek 4ft tall woman, because she seems to know what she is doing.

curiouser and curiouser

there has been a LOT of talk about ghosts lately. from JD , to my friend B, to well...i guess that is it [.....you kids should check out the crazy stuff going on in JD's world. highly exciting.] as far as B is concerned, he has seen "things" his whole life....and heard "things", too. i believe him only because he doesn't know how to be serious at all unless you say "we are in serious time, quit joking and time to get real". B takes serious time seriously, and i haven't seen him take anything else seriously, ever.

so i think he has credibility. actually, i know he does.

anyway, B and i got into a huge discussion about nether-beings the other day, and mixed in a lot of theology...and really we wound up with no anwers except that there wouldn't be much sleeping done that night. especially since our whole debate occured at 1 in the morning....

so i hop on the telephone call my friend G and tell him he has no choice but to talk me to sleep because i needed him. so i told him what was going on, and we chitchatted until about 3. i finally fell asleep and he let me go.

at 430, i woke up to hummer coughing. he never wakes up in the middle of the night unless he gets sick. and he was getting sick.

so i let him do his thing, gave him a quick warm bath and a bunch of water, and then at almost 5 i got hummer all nestled on the pallet i make for him at night, and i tucked him into a sheet to keep him warm (yes he is spoiled...but so what?) .then i curled into my bed, and the second i close my eyes....he begins to scream.

Hummer is a screamer. when you leave the house and he is alone, i can hear him screaming from inside of my car. i think he is scared to be left alone. he has gotten progressively better with the screaming thing, because i think he understands that i will be coming home shortly and that he has nothing to worry about.

never has he screamed with me in the room.

but he was screaming.

and he ran up to the wall and started barking and howling and growling along with the screams, and i shit you not, he was shivering.

ears as far back as they could go...

then he yelped and jumped on the bed and stood on top of me. i tried my damndest to push him back to the floor so i could go to sleep, but he would not budge. just kept screaming and growling and staring at the wall.

this went on for about 10 minutes, then he quit. but stayed on top of my tummy and refused to budge. so the two of us layed there holding on to dear life while i sang him to sleep....

i don't know what scared him....but with him, i felt safe.

9-5

got a job offer today.

haven't even started sending resumes out.

that always feels good :)

until 5 am

i should pay more attention to my personality with you.
not because i am borderline rude, or crazy,
but because you seem to be affected.
by my silliness
and i want that
but i also want you to be well-affected.
not infected.
i want to be there for you.
i want you to need me, in a grounded good karma sort of way.
i want you to be happy.
that is my priority with you.
so go on, tell me anything. tell me you are pained. tell me you are aching
lend your troubles on my shoulders
but only because you need mine to be stronger than yours,
and even if they aren't
for you i will smile through the pain.

parental advisory

::expletive:: my stupid car.
i ::expletive:: hate the piece of ::expletive::
and tonight was ::expletive:: ruined because the ::expletive:: ::expletive:: hunk of cow plop. it should be swallowed by the earth's inner core and melted into an ugly necklace that only a fourteen year old kid would wear. that has i don't know....some sort of sun moon star insignia on it.

i make such dumb decisions. NAY!!! don't buy a new caar the first threee times the thing is totaled. (no, wrecks are not my fault. never been in one that i caused., i am apparantly a target for being rear ended at red lights) lets' just take the money get it half ::expletive:: repaired and then go skiing! or shopping! or on a 7 day alcohol bender! HOOOYAH!

so now, here i am having just thrown 8 ::expletive:: grand on a car that has *gulp* 170,000 miles on it. (yes i drove every one of those miles. between may of 99 and today) and having to drive home at midnight from ::explitive:: downtown dalls. back to Mckinney (about a 35 mile drive) going 20 ::expletive:: ::expletive:: miles per ::expletive:: ::expletive:: hour. in a piece of crap that has emaculate interior because i am the cleanest girl that ever existed in a city filled with smog.

[am i spelling those cuss words correctly??]

i don't know what i am going to do.

no idea.

maybe i will go lock myself in my closet in the dark and listen to The Cure while i write poems about pain, and maybe a memoir on bad mistakes i have made....

but. instead. i will make a few resolutions. i mean if you got a problem, yo, i'll solve it....so lets start resolving this bitch, right??

resolution #1. never spend money on anything again except Hummer's food and water and yearly shots. and maybe toothpaste.

resolution #2. sell house, move to Oklahoma and live off the fruit of the land (obviously i need to study about how to make things grow first...but one battle at a time, people)

resolution #3. cry. a lot. cause i am finally stressed to the brim. been holding it since november when i started my senior project, and have yet to release....

resolution #4. go on a rampage and bomb some stuff,

yessss, these are great ideas......

troubled.

okay so i am about to get graphic. and disgusting. girls, get prepared. boys, get popcorn.
i'll give you a second.

..................

okay.

i have a problem kids. and i am at odds at what to do.
you see, Hummer, my dog, (stop. STOP! he was named after the H2. yes, i am aware that he will be made fun of by other dogs. i am aware that it is a form of sexual act. that is just ridiculous, and proposterous, and you are a perv. besides i didn't name him. if i had a choice he would be an Alex or a Jason, ok?) is ill.

i grew up in a nice little suburbian home with a big backyard and lots of energy to take care of a dog, so my brother and i always had large dogs. large dogs are rather easy to handle. you feed them pour some water, and pat them on the head and it's over. they love you. you love them. it's a great little set-up.

but when i moved into my house, and was living here all alone in a strange town away from friends and family, i was a bit depressed. okay, a lot. but that isn't the point.
the point is, my mom got me this little boy to kind of keep me company and to, you know, give me a purpose in life, since graduating and being an adult really weren't so much on my to-do list at the time.

Hummer is great. he had a lot of stomach problems in the beginning, but i think that is because the little girls that previously owned him fed him barbie shoes, jolly ranchers, and hair beads. (i had an eye witness account of his stomach contents on the way to my house the first 5 minutes i had him) but eventually after getting his stomach used to dog food instead of fried chicken and lucky charms, his stomach got stronger and he was healthy. but, there was also his nervous system that was a bit shot, though, because his former mommy and daddy are important people and were always out of town. (she is a student at Vanderbilt in TN, so she had to fly from Dallas to what is it, Memphis (?) twice a week, and he is some production big wig for like...boyz II men...or whatever, so he was also gone a lot) and so what to do with the puppy while we are gone? Toss him in a ward!!!!!! he'll be fine living in a box the majority of his life!!

so he sort of screams - not howls - screams when you leave the house. i mean i can hear is down the street from inside of the parlor....

i have had Hummer (or as my mom calls him Monsier Hummer) for over a year, and despite his sketchy stomach and his adorable clinginess (which is actually quite sweet, he follows me around everywhere and the second i sit down he will crawl in my lap and look at me like 'please don't leave me, mommy' and well, crap...i am turning soft on ya'll about this....) , he is perfect.

until a few days ago.

Hummer was sitting on the sofa next to me and we were watching E! and all of a sudden it hit.

the world's most WRETCHED.REVOLTING.LUNG-COLLPASING.HEART-STOPPING.PUKE-INSPIRING. smell hit me like a bag full of hammers. no. worse... like an airplane that was hi-jacked by al-whats-his-nuts.... it was JUST>THAT>BAD

my reation was to think that the earth opened up and i was getting a nice front row whiff of the putrid firey pits of hell....or the Eternal Bog of Stench or something equally as...ew.

but no. it was the dog.

the 17 lb. itty bitty. floppy eared. bats his eyelashes. pouncing on his squeaky lobster. little puppy.

WHAT????

i don't know about other parents, but i was almost positive my son could do no wrong. and it was nothing short of soul-crushing to find that something like this could emode from something that damn cute.

but here he was, after his flying leap to the floor, in that god-awful twisted position licking his hind quarters....and grunting, guys. GRUNTING.

whatever the smell was, came from his boy bits. and immediately filled the entire room.

i freaked.

called the vet:

"WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH MY DOG!!!!!"

their reply? "when was the last time you had his anal sacs squeezed?"

....................

"ana-??.....sa-??.....WTF???"

apparantly, little critters like Hummer, have 'anal sacs' (i shutter to think) that don't (ugh) empty when they do their thing......so every so often, you gotta squeeze them, and this butt-juice which smells like the pit of a burning wasteland, will squirt (AAACKK) out.

"can't i just have his butt removed?"

"i'll set you up an appt......ummm, for the excretion....not for removing his butt"

that's just gross.
Gawd he did it again.......does anyone know where i can purchase a gas-mask??

testing 1...2....3..

For all [5 ] of my loyal readership, i don't really know why my blog isn't working.

i checked the settings and changed the part where it says "add blog to listings" or something of that nature, to 'YES' so i hoped that fixied the problem.

if it didn't, leave a comment.

.....sorry i had to say that. cause it was funny to me. obscure sense of humor much? yes, i'll take two thanks.

but it was nice to get all of the [2] emails from you. it makes me feel like all [2] of you love me, and i love that. so for those [2] of you that were so distraugt by the unwroking ness of my blog, i will post much good stories shortly.

yes, you love me, i know.

Quinching.

"over a week ago, on a cold dallas evening, some chick in a bar told me to move so she could get to the bar and order. as of right now, that was one of the best moves i have made in quite some time...

glad you were thirsty."


now THAT was possibly the hottest thing someone could say to me. all sarcasm aside, it tops the charts.

and, it makes me happy.

i got nothin'

.........

that's all.

now i am going to go watch t.v. and eat a lot of ice cream.

:)

stay righteous.

hanging the moon

so after my friend reminded me of the horrible would-be love gift from A, i made it is a personal goal to amuse everyone with the story. my word of mouth and via space-age technology.

i went out on friday night with a buddy of mine, GreG and some of his friends....and i took it upon myself to share the story with him...i knew he would get a kick out of it because he knows in-depth how un-romantic i am....and i just KNEW considering his current state of inhibriation, that he would enjoy the story just as much as the next person.

as soon as i fell over in laughter after the story (as well as several other people), he just stood there straight faced like a stone

G - 'you are such an asshole k'

and of course that makes me laugh harder because it has occured to me at this point he did the SAME THING FOR A GIRL!

but no....worse. (and he has an excuse, he was younger, and stuff like that is cool when you are young) he bought a few acres on the moon.

in his name

.....................

wow...

and he is insanely pissed at me, and everyone is laughing histerically, until his friend (who's name escapes me) handed him a five and says empathetically "hey man, it's cool, let me buy you...

A FEW MORE ACRES!!!!!!!!!!!"

BWAH!

come to find out, this star naming moon buying thing is kind of popular. and also, did you know that you can purchase a square foot of land in Iraq??

that's is a huge deal if your square foot strikes oil.

or....something....

ohhhh good grief....

this just keeps getting more amusing, ya'll.

a few nights ago, PO and i set a date for dinner tonight. i was just on the phone with him confirming what we were doing what time....etc.

in the conversation, two things stuck out that i get a kick out of.

1. "i told you the other night you had on cute panties"

now i am not going to explain how we got into this subject of underwear....but it was akward. the whole time i was all "what?!?!!? where did that come from??". but let me just say this to you guys...he never saw any panties at all. none. no way was that possible. EW! stop! i wear them! i am not a hooker, i am just saying, we were never in the situation to have seen anyone else's underwear.

so i call him on it. cause that's what i do...bust balls.

PO - yes i did, too see your underwear....
k - ummm, no, must've been another girl (and mind you i say this with no trace of jealousy, cause i honestly don't care. i told you guys i was bored with him....so really this makes getting out easier.)
po - no k, i told you the other night you are the only one i am seeing.

2. (that was actually number 2) i am not the kind of girl that goes out with one dude then starts fishing for his sex life details. i NEVER EVER EVER ask that question. EVER. so if you are dating me and seeing someone, else, don't worry i won't try to catch you. you aren't commited to me. so.....well...nor am i commited to you....saavy?


but i let that one go...no reason to get into that conversation... he's the bad guy...i am the good girl. it is a nice set up we've got, now.

so after he instructs me to get in the shower and not forget to shave,(WHAT?!?!?!?!? ASSUMING I AM GONNA DROP MY DRAWERS FOR YOU??? OOOH PLEASE!!) he lets me go and says he will see me in an hour.

ugh...

is it too late to tell him i have amebic dysentery??

(which i don't...)

Dealbreakers

i have touched on the dealbreaker topic before, here. but i think tonight we need to further investigate the depths of the carnal turn-offs.

quick re-hash. dealbreakers are what deems someone completely and totally un-date-able. like married men....the homeless.....etc.

i have sat here for ten minutes racking my brain with the best way to tell this story....but well, there is not a decent way to lead up to an exciting climax at the end of the post, like i normally enjoy.

so i'm just gonna lay it out there...

P.O. just informed me.....that he....BWAH! hahaha..i'm sorry. just trying like hell to be...hahahahah...serious here.....BWHAHAHAHAH!!!! okay okay okay...ah-hem

..................

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHahahahaha.....

okay okay okay for real this time...

i have learned the sad news that umm well...how do i put this descretely???

he ain't got no pimp juice, ya'll

that's right!! a vasectomy, kiddos
WWWWWWAHAHAHHAhahahahahahahahahaa hahahahahahaha BWAH!

this isn't really funny...okay yeah it is.
but i know this was a serious decision on his part that included something like this:

'i don't want kids...bla bla bla....i'm 24... bla.....if i get married and my wife decides...i can have a revearsal....'

very good, then. freedom of choice, yum.
but can i just say that THIS has topped my charts with dealbreakers?!?!?!

okay so after previously posting this including the over-the-top comment about testosterone (and yes i know that vesectomies don't render you pimp-juice-less, i was just being highly sarcastic..i understand how they work...for the record! ), i have chosen to further elaborate on the dealbreaker.

when a boy is at the ripe ol' age of 20-ish, and decides to get a vasectomy, one thinks "wow totally responsible...this way no babies occur.", right??

what i hear is this:

"YESSSS!!! i can have unprotected sex with as many strippers as i want to without having to worry about ever hearing from them again [because we all know the DFW is the stripper capital of the Milky Way and every dude in this Great Metropolis has screwed at least 50% of the strippers at least twice. so this way i can join in the gang and not worry about having to deal with their kids....or even have them try to get me to support them because this way there is paperwork to PROVE without reasonable doubt that i am NOT yo baby's daddy]....not to mention screw every non stripper....which is like .04% of the Urban population, but prudes need love too so...whatever"

so that's what i hear - MAN-WHORE....and that is a bit over the top for a good church girl like myself.
maybe i am such a jerk....but....yea.....no mas, senor.....no mas.

in more ways than one.
HAHAHHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHA!

pureity

she still says, 'hi' as he walks away
with all of the sweetness she can muster to say
and when she slips, she reaches for his hand
never understood she grabbed his heart instead
so this is love? this scary-pain?
this anger? this turmoil?
this, 'honey, it's okay"
this close your eyes and wait for the fall
this comfort in knowing...love conquers all.

"To Thine Own Self Be True" or "Don't Trust Anyone"

so i never intended this to be a Carrie Bradshaw-esque blog. although it seems that it has escalated into that - but just for the time being....i get bored rather easily so next week the topic may be about how hot i look with a guitar in hand, but without one, i am just that girl that 'reminds me of someone...but i can't think of who...' -

we have some issues to discuss. not big ones, though, so breathe easily. girls like Lish and I don't have large issues....well we do, but we don't want you to know about them, so instead we just get all creative and artsy so that we look ponderous and insightful instead of calloused and alone. but today, i say 'Nay!!' to the artsy - creativism that comes with being a strong independent woman that builds walls around her heart so that she can't get close to anyone...nope. today i calls em' like i sees em'. (look, i am trying to do some of that counceling thing to better myself. just read it and be amused. don't judge me, okay? good talk. onward.)

Lish, i think i have figured it out. we don't believe a damn thing a guy says. i don't know about you, but it has nothing to do with being burned before, because frankly, i don't think i have ever been burned. i just think that having a guy treat me like a human is too good to be true. not to mention abnormal.

take PO (police-officer) for example. he always has the strangest things to say to me that makes me so uncomfortable...nothing at all like the "oh, yeah i was out with my boys last night....yea their girlfriends were there, so?....k, it was a boys night, you know that..." and "hey beautiful.....yea i am trashed!!!! WOOOOOOOOOaaaahhhh!!!! wanna cuddle?!?!" that i am totally used to. and completely okay with. at least when things like this are said i can easily read into them. they both mean the same thing: i don't like you but mayn....i am $%^&. but when a guy starts saying such foreign sentences like "i can't wait to see you again sunday." or "i wish you could leave work and i could take you out to lunch" and don;t forget this great one "i really like you." i just don't know what to do.

i am bamboozled. (god! love that word)

basically, i freeze. and this is all i can think:

"if he is trying to get me in the sack....there are so many easier ways to go about this (like go to some other girl that breaks for cops...not one that is a prude) than pretending that i am actually someone he likes....he is such a con artist. why can't a guy treat me like crap instead? that is always so much more simple to deal with. but this nice thing??....i don't know....sounds fishy"

and if you think about it....
my point of view that keeps me from being hurt, or falling in love....is kind of fangled.

but alas! i like me...so it works.

stay righteous!!!

Since we are on the subject.....

okay i realize that i have posted about love a lot lately. love schmove, right? maybe it is my getting prepared for another sappy valentine's, or maybe it is because i am bitter. whichever, i am fun, so you can't complain....just be thankful that you aren't me. or covet my short-lived un-romances for your own... whichever

that being said:

last night with the policeman.....i had fun. like, a lot.
maybe it was because he reminded me of this really cool guy i dated once a few years ago that was heavy into fraudulent perscriptions for lithium, dan.

i met dan whilst driving down the highway heading back to my apt. who meets people on highways?? but he rolled down his window and gestured that he wanted my number, so i gave it...why wouldn't i?

so he called and we went out a few times....

dan tasted like candy. i kid you not. candy. how can you make drug abuse with controlled substances a dealbreaker with a guy that tasted like candy?? that just isn't possible, let alone feasible.

dan and i had this weird on going 3 day relationship. meaning that he would hang out with me and treat me like i was the world for 3 days, then just disappear. he always had such interesting stories to back up the disappearances, though. to wit:

"i had a car wreck and was in the hospital for a month...."

"i have been in and out of doctor's appointments every day because they are trying to get my lithium levels set correctly...this takes time. i will call you when i can."

"i have to go away for awhile. i can't explain. but please call and leave messages for me so i can have something to keep me going..."

"i'm a bit on the crazy side, krista...and i broke my back when i was 4 so i am on heavy pain killers to ease the burden that i go through daily. don't worry that i might be secretive and sketchy when it comes to my personal belongings, or even that i have to iron teeshirts 3 times before i am pleased with the crispness of them...this is all attributed to the fact that i have been busted 3 times for forging perscriptions for lithium, and now when i say i have to 'drop something off at a friends' i mean that i am going to pay for the next 3 days' dosage to make damn sure i can't see or think or feel or breathe for the next few days....i want my life to be a fog....a fog, of course, until after 3 days when i go to my parole officer and get busted with levels in my blood and urine that would make a large elphant near-stroke, and then get thrown back into a ward for an unforseen amount of time....could be a day a week, if could be a month, krista, i just don't know".

[editor's note: okay parts of that last bit weren't actually said...just deduced. the fact that i know he is a convicted felon, is because of this handy little thing called publicdata.com, where my paren'ts have an account for their company to check on employees...and well...boys i date.]

anyway, something about the policeman's personality, stature, voice, and overall persona was the exact replica of dan. even the way he smelled.

only this time it was different in that he was dan's un-evil twin. he wasn't the indian, he was the cowboy....not the bad guy but the good...not the robber, but the cop....

but he did taste like candy.

Things You Tend To Forget:

A was romantic.
i am mortified of romance. quite possibly because it doesn't seem realistic or legit. what guy really want to buy girls flowers just because? and you KNOW the whole time a boy is at a florist making the order he is thinking, "i have to pay HOW MUCH for 12 stupid flowers?!!?!?!?"

so A's romantic side not only caught me off guard, i found it hysterical (much to his chagrin). one particular evening, we were dancing in his bedroom to some cheesy song "when you love a woman" just classic drippy nonsense about seeing your children in your love's eyes.

A - "i really can, K, i can see my children in your eyes."

me - "good god, tell me they don't have red hair. if they do, i am telling the doc to shove them back in cause they aren't done cooking."

quite possibly not the right thing to say...but man...i still think that is one of the best things i could ever say in that situation. kids in my eyes? really? and so i let out a hearty guffaw to my wisecrack and the moment was gone (thankfully).

maybe i am just not used to someone being that in to me, maybe i will get better at it, but it sure made me uncomfortable. and after he would say little oneliners of that nature to me, i always seemed to stick my foot in my mouth.

take valentine's day for instance. i am most likely the only female that dreds V day even when i have someone in my life. it is just so forced, i think. but i was terrified what was going to happen on Valentine's with him.

A - "i have the best idea of what to get you for valentine's you are going to be so amazed"

me - "oooh ooh tell me!"

A - "no way!"

me - "what color is it?"

A - "it isn't a color...it is more....illuminating"

me - sarcastically, and and oozing with condescension, but only in a joking manner: "tell me you didn't name a star after me...."

long akward silence.........

oops....i mean how was i to know he was that ridiculous? naming a star after me...ugh how "A Walk in the Clouds" can you get??? so.so.so.cheesy.

i didn't get anything for valentine's that year.

but i have a feeling somewhere in A's house, there is a folder with a Certificate of Star Naming made out to K....along with a handy little star gazing map to show where my star is....

K: E! Hollywood Story

okay so i have come to the realization that i am not allowed to drink alcohol.

i was doing so well for the past 12 months...after making the decision that it was too expensive and too fattening to drink, i just chose to order sprites at bars.

but it seems i forgot that i was trying to be a civilized, financially sound, healthy adult the day i graduated.

mainly because i have a lot of free time on my hands....
but it can also be attributed to the fact that i feel a sort of harbored freedom that is writhing to be unleashed. makes sense, yes?

but today, i feel the sudden urge to stick to soda and being mocked by friends and bartenders across North Central Texas....i received a phone call from TN. a man i met on sat.

now need i remind you that i am a good girl, and when i meet people in a socially lubricated setting, i don't sacrifice morals...i just make new friends...

but apparantly this new drink i discovered bacardi and diet coke (no fat no carbs no sugar...or something like that) is quite tasty since i have shunned carbs from being anywhere near me. maybe it's the fact that sugary sweet things make me nauseated...but i don't taste the bitterness and it is strong....

tasty and strong = lethal.

and apparantly lethal + me = entertaining.

i was reminded of small things i did throughout the night, that TN found quite fascinating. who knows, maybe i am fascinating. but really thinking about it, he remembers basically every move that i made. that should count for something.

only problem is, i don't remember those things.

which can only mean that either, i don't pay attention to what i do or say...and TN just made me aware of how amusing i might be.....or i drank too much.

i would say it was the latter...

riddle me this:

how is it that no matter how much sleep i get, or don't get.....

it's never enough??

hahahaha

"i am really sorry i blew you off, k. hindsight is 20/20 and it wasn't cool of me."

*blank stare*

oh..i thought it was me blowing him off..

thank GAWD he cleared that up.

hee hee hee....
how dare a boy think that he has the upper hand. it is MINE!!!! ALLL MINE!!!!!!

ah-hem...

okay let me explain this one a bit:

i went on a date with this boy a few months ago. we had fun...no big deal. but after the date, i didn't really talk to him, he didn't really talk to me. it didn't bother me, i wasn't attached and i didn't particularly find him to be so thrilling that i had to see him again, so you know, i didn't return smart-ass remarks to his fwds anymore, basically.

totally forgot he exsisted....

but then out of no where, homeskillet emails me some forward about males being the dominant sex...bla bla bla....(which, by the way, can the stupid 'girls have cooties stuff' end guys? please? if we are that bad, then go gay. good talk.)

and i thought "you know, you don't just send some dumb lame inarticulate email to someone after not talking to them, unless you are using it as a crutch to start up regular communication again.

am i right?

apparantly, because when i emailed back "that's funny" (and, yes, that is all that i wrote) he wrote back with the "hindisght is 20/20, i should not have blown you off" mumbo jumbo.

if i could just show you the look on my face when i read it.

poor guy...

anyway, so i told him you know, sorry that the relationship you were in didn't work out, i love my job and i love my life...kind of an email back.
cause that is what you do. make someone wish that you were in their life because yours is so full of sunshine that they want to be next to you to get a nice tan.

i get this back....pure.classic.groveling[and ridiculously ballsy].ignorance:

"You live, you learn I guess. Glad the new job is working out for you. You are officially an adult now! I'll ask this............ would you want to go out again? I would understand if not."

are you kidding? how eloquent is that? is that just one step above "check yes or no" or am i just an elitest? .....would you go?!?...i would unde?!?. if not?!?!?... just ridiculous.

HELL NO!

but for the record, i wouldn't have gone back out with him even if he had asked me out right after the first date anyway....this just makes it better to say no. cause now i am not the bad guy.

and i am all about good cop/bad cop...

speaking of which, the cop? yeah...talked until 6 this morning on the phone...i am a teenager, again.
::giggle::

now we should just sit back and see if this can last more than 3 days. (3 days is the amount of time that it takes for me to either lose someone....or blow them off....)

:)

W

so Jenny called.

Jenny was my boss at the internship that i had right before i graduated last month.

she is bitchin' let me tell you.

anyway, she wants me to start working there a few days a week until the new hotel starts going up, then the work load will increase so much, she will need me full time.

i can't even tell you how exciting that is for me...

which only means you should be excited (and possibly a bit jealous) ,too.

so my current employer is my dad.

yeah...that's a shotty gig, i know

but i told my dad (as a dad, not a boss) that jenny called

dad: when do you start?
me: wed.
dad: they paying you how much?
me: the same as before
dad: thinking about how he can cooridinate chopping my salalry down. "okay so th--"
me: cutting boss-dad off "which is great because i need that extra money really badly"
dad: little shit....

hahahahaha. my dad tried, and i stonewalled that idea.

don't you know who i am?!?! i am a college graduate! i own the world! i am worth a lot of money...

...or something...

i try not to see you
standing there as you stare at me
try not to notice
how you affect the way that i breathe
i try to ignore
that when you hold your hands just right
you seem to touch the sky
i swear i think you might
have touched the moon.

it isn't my fault that you are smothered in your own hopelessness.
somehow you make it feel like it is my problem to fix
so i try
and you get angry.
so i let go
for that you hate me
what can i do to make things better for someone who loves their own pain?
you put a prison around your heart, pour concrete on vulnerability.
tell me i am out of line when i say something nice.
it's not me
that makes you cry at night
not me
that makes you lie each time
look in the mirror and you will see who made you this way .

grrrrrrr

a policeman, ya'll....not bad huh??


hee hee

::swoon::

i am known amongst friends and family as a professional fainter.

i faint a lot.

it's ridiculous i know. but it's mostly attributed to heat exhaustion, or when i was at camp in high school (and attempting to ignore a respiratory infection with a temperature of 102 in the middle of the afternoon in central hot muggy texas in July outside.) i was a tad bit anemic (SP?) at the time...so we can kind of figure out how i ended up passing out a lot that day....

i have always been one to pass out while in public...like large crowds type of public....lines at six flags in the summer where i couldn't get enough oxygen, on the slopes in Colorado - also lack of O2. and even in front of 150 students while giving a speech my junior year at UNT. [editor's note: as a disclaimer i would like to add for my own pride that in no way was i nervous about giving a speech...don't think i would ever be that lame...and boy! would that have been embarrassing!! instead, i was hungover and possibly a mixture of still drunk and highly dehydrated...for the record, in my defence, etc]

knowing that i am a bit of a tender hearted swooner, everyone just thought i was well, you know hot-blooded little irish fireball...and no one thought about it as a health problem.

so you can imagine the shock to find that it is genetic.

that's right, people, my mother has done this to me. and she has been keeping it from me for 23 years. THE SHEER AUDACITY!

let me elaborate (JD like's elaboration...so you know....i give the people what the people want)

today mom and dad were flying home from NYC (thank GOD! just when i am not sick anymore i get to go home to my own bed...) as soon as the plane took off, mom starts to feel very sleepy, and notices stars.
(if you have ever blacked out....you know this feeling, and just thinking about it makes your lungs shrivle and your chest cave in and you can't breathe so well)

in her words:

"i told your father that as soon as the seat belt light goes off that i had to go to the restroom because my stomach was cramping...next thing i know i hear 'could a nurse of a doctor please report to the attendent station?' and i thought 'oh no...someone is sick' and opened my eyes to have 5 faces within 6 inches of mine. and i said 'who is sick?! go help them' "

so to those on the flight from NYC to Dallas, this early evening, my mom would love to send out her deepest regrets for the lengthy unexpected stop in Indianapolis as she had to go make a quick doctor's appointment to check on her heart.....

i want to grow up to be just like her.

::cheese::




update: my mother is fine, she ate a bad hotdog at the subway station, and it didn't set well with the chocolate milk. she is warm and happy in her bed that has fresh sheets on it, because i am such an amazing person and washed them for her....and yes, boys, i am single

>:(

well....damn

gotah git my hurr did.

let me just say how thankful i am to have just received a 20 minute dissertation on hair weaves' ins and outs by a co-worker.

what a highly interesting and extremely informative lesson i just learned.

:)

thanks for the warning

when i graduated high school, i immediately moved out, and got an apt. in Denton, where i went to school. i was 17.
right after i moved out, the family across the street from my parent's got divorced and the husband moved in with his girlfriend (that lived down the street) and the wife, sort of went off the deep end.

i haven't ever met the new family across the street, except to wave and say hi when i visit the folks (that's southern hospitality; we wave at everything)
so you can imagine the shock this morning at 9 when i am walking out the door to come to work (EUREKA!!!! I LEFT THE HOUSE FINALLY) and as i am reaching for the door, the door bell rings, and it is some sketchy looking kid that just stands there.

[how is it that the door bell rings, and i open the door, and still shocked to see someone standing there? i jumped, ya'll...like physically jumped...gawd i am weird]

"can you take me to school?"

::blink::
::blink blink::

really??

"sure" wait. what?!?!? what did i just say? who the hell is this kid? where is his school? it is 9 why isn't he there? where are his parents? furthermore....where is my mom? she didn't warn me about this!

so, during the 15 minute car ride, i ask the kid questions. practically beg the boy to talk to me. he was one of those quiet creepy types that you have to watch and worry about. because they are sneaky, ya'll. always up to no good.

so through my interrogation, i find out that he doesn't go to regular school, nope. he is that CRAZY muthah...of a 7th grader that got into too many fights and got thrown into alternative school. in the car with me.

i have no protection.

when i was a kid and in school, you didn't get kicked out for just a fight. there were weapons involved...or bombs....

so i KNOW this kid ain't tellin' the truth, dawg. and i am in a confined space with him? oh crap.

but hey. i lived...so whatever.

YOU'RE FIRED!!!

::oozing with sarcasm:: i LOVE having philospophical emotional rollercoaster arguments with people that *claim* they care about me!!! MY FAVORITE YIPPEEEEEEEE!!!!!

seriously. this whole pioneering journey to take up for myself and claim my feelings, sucks when it actually comes down to confrontation.

but. i stand firm. and he deserved what he got.

too bad i am the only person in the world that has the guts to say "guess what! this 'you treating people like they are scum, but them loving you anyway' thing you got going on is a crock."

he wasn't expecting that out of sweet loving kind, k. nooooooo, buddy.

think i threw him off-kilter?

mayn....i feel good! who knew taking up for yourself could feel *so* bad, but feel SO.DAMN.AMAZING. all at once.

Wooohooooo!!!!!

sucks though, that i have to go to bed pissed off since he ran away from his problems (so.frikkin.typically.predictable) and we didn't resolve anything.....

house cancer - take 7

some things i have noticed in the past few days while being barred indoors with nothing to do but surf the internet and watch TRL (which is highly annoying and i really don't care much for it....but sometimes, the girls wear such cute outfits i can't stop watching to see what else i can go to the mall to buy so i can not be an individual....):

1. asian blogs are WEIRD. and creepy. you will see gnomes and fairies and hear weird music and there are stars everywhere....along with some sort of new asian-inspired ebonics that i can't quite understand....i guess i am too uncool for the hirajuku girl's wicked style....

okay really that is all that i have discovered....yeah i know...what a let down, but really? who gives anyway, right??

but i will ask, why would you email everyone you know a joke that is on a forward if you don't get it?

Bekah, a friend of mine, did that today. the joke was :

"what's the fastest way to a man's heart? through his chest."

altogether not funny. but she sent it to everyone. (did you get the email?) and after the joke she wrote 'can someone explain this to me?'

::blink::

::blink blink::

yeah...no.

oh! and one more thing, please, for the love of all that is holy and sacred in this world,
DO.NOT. call someone and say 'do you know who this is'

MAYN! especially if that person:

• never returns phone calls
• doesn't ever answer your calls unless you trick them by changing your number
• blows you off over and over and over and over
• forgot who you were last time you called with a new number and asked if the call-ee knew who you were.

that is just setting yourself up to make you look like a loser and them look insensitive and brash...which really IS the case...but who's counting. yes folks! i am brash! woo-hooo!

GET.A.CLUE.MORON.!

so yea. that just happened. and i got the name wrong i was all "yes i know who this is...this is SO&SO"

oops. so immediately i entered the number in my phone as "do not answer. for the love...do not answer"

except that whole sentence didn't fit in my phone so it is really in as "don't do it, K".

now, THAT'S funny.

::cheese::

HOLY BEJEESUS!!

i am taking my toys and going home.

things aren't really on the ups for me while i am babysitting my parent's dog.

for whatever reason, possibly the fact that my parent's were raised country-folk, they have never had their house exterminated.

i am lethally afraid of bugs.

so much so that if i see one, i will pack my bags and leave.

i pay good money to ensure no bugs are within a 30 mile radius of my house, and i think that if you are going to ask me to watch your dog while i am sick, you should have the decency to make sure the house isn't like a pest-farm....right?

wrong.

i just walked upstairs after watching Landon attempt to kill people that are friend's with Mel on the Real World (very anti-climactic episode...i wanted to see some PAIN) and as i get upstairs, i see a wiggly thing...

oh yessss...it's on.

and so i attack the wiggly thing by throwing shoes at it, and i am quite proud of myself at how calm and resilient i was maintaining through this crisis.

when out of nowhere, came the whole FRIKKIN.ROACH.NAZI.PARTY.ARMY.

are you kidding?!?!

this house is unfit.

i am taking my toys [and moms dog] and going home.

something good....finally!

so i am sick.

and i am a big baby when i am sick.

i don't get sick a lot.

but this is day 6. and no end in sight. and it has moved down my body and enveloped the entire thing. first a headache. then soar throat. then soar glands. then heartburn. today....stomach issues. i am puking and it isn't alochol-related.

[hell...i am sick and it isn't alcohol related. who knew?!?!]

but to top things off, i am away from home.

so is my entire family. they are ALL in NYC while i am stuck at my parent's housesitting.

all of the comforts of home aren't really here since i left when i was 17.

BUT. to make things a bit better, my brother left his Taylor 714 guitar here. which i have been playing until my fingers bled. and his car is here, which i can't WAIT to drive.

but the best thing (besides all the good food in the fridge mom made just for me while i stay here) is the fact that the UPS guy just brought packages to the door....and when i opened them, i found all sorts of potions for facials and spa treatments.

ugh! what better way to spend an evening sneezing, coughing, and puking, than to be microdermabrasioning your rubbed raw red nose?!?

this is GREAT!

GO AWAY!

is this monsoon season in the jungle??

just checking.

boredom some more.

im telling you kids: i am bored.
i just completely plastic-surgeoned my site.

mainly because i am bored.

i might change it some more...who knows.

that quasi A.D.D. might kick in though, and keep me from furthering my reformation attempts.

uuuuuuuuggghhh

i have been sick for five days now. and it keeps getting worse.

i am going to have to check into the hospital...donations are welcome.