if i closed these doors in your face.
i fully expect you to break in
but you just stand in your disgrace
if you'd put up a fight you'd win.
you turn around and walk away
with that look of disbelief
i see that you'll have it my way
is that anger for you or me?

i'll keep my memories of you in a guitar case
in a microphone
they're written all over this place.
you could take away all you want
but you can't have you...
until you steal my heart

and you could walk away
a thousand times
leave me with these pieces you left behind
your broken heart i will intertwine
to create memories of you.
to always be mine.

absolutely nothing.

i have done absolutely nothing at work today. i guess it is one of those days when i really don' t care if i have a career or not. probably started when i left my house 15 minutes before i was supposed to be here - 60 minute commute - and it only got a little more fervent when i stopped by mcdonald's to get breakfast. by the which, i got for free because i am hot. [read: their credit card machine was broken and i didn't have cash...whichever]

so when i finally got here, i was an hour and a half late because i chose the scenic route down lower greenville ave.

it's winter today folks. i know i know..i am still wearing flip flops, but...it's winter nonetheless. i am fiesty today. i want to go out. i want to party. i want to mingle. and dance. and laugh. i haven't gone out in over a month. this is starting to kill me. for the first time ever in my entire life i am actually craving alcohol. not because i am an alcoholic (anymore) but moreso because i am BORED.

and that is why i have been so snippy lately. not that i have been snippy to anyone in particular (christopher) but i am starting to think who cares about the having absolutely no money thing. and the whole 35 dollars each transaction i overdraft thing.

bla bla bla

i just want to have some fun.

okay that was a massive tangent. sorry.

so i finally got to work an hour and a half late to which i said to my boss "well, i decided i might as well come to work today....and at least pretend to care"

and really. that was the most energy i have put forth all day long. besides the interior design skillz i had to conjure up to convince my momma that her new dining table really does look good in her house. (that took a lot of effort, too. i had to use words like "harmoniously" and "spacial weight" and "flowing")

i love days like today.







tangent #8754687: a friend just called me and wanted me to confirm via speaker phone a certain size of a certain part. uh...like im supposed to know?!?!?! so i told him i would. he puts me on speakerphone for all the firemen in the middle of the fire department where he works and i say "what he says are all lies!!! lies and deceit!!!!!" how's that for male ego bashing? ZING

oh gawd...it stinks!

you know how certain ethnic people smell STRONGLY of spicy food? when i say strongly, i mean disgustingly...like...the feet of a hippo, bad.

do you think that when i go to india or china or some other really foreign nation that i smell strongly to them? (even though to people here in america i smell like a delicious perfume that you can't buy in stores but only direct from the maker here in lakewood...?)

because...now i am not so sure i want to be a world traveler if im gonna make locals in Beijing gag.

take two

i keep my memories in a guitar case
..in a microphone
they're written down on this page.
and i can take you anywhere i want.
as long as i have you.
in my heart.

i cried today.
when my boss teased me lightheartedly like he always does.
i cried when i was at office max looking for bubble wrap.
i cried when i got in the car and the music came on.
i cried when lish called
i cried when she and i got off the phone
i cried driving down the street and seeing you walking with me
i cried when i turned the corner to my house to see that your car wasn't there like i daydreamed it would be.
i cried when you weren't waiting for me in the livingroom.
i cried at blockbuster when i saw movies we planned on watching.
i cried when i saw your book laying on my end table.
i cried when i tried to eat.
i cried when i tried to sleep.
when there was no email from you
no messages.
when i couldn't find you.

i am crying now.

i don't know what to do about all of it.
i thought i made the right decision.
but all of my memories that i hadn't yet made with you are killing me.
can i ever look at you the same? i don't know.
i dont know
I DONT KNOW.
I HAVE NO ANSWERS
BUT IT ISN'T SUPPOSED TO FEEL LIKE THIS WHEN YOU DO THE RIGHT THING.
IS IT?

soft and kind when i was crying.

i had lunch with my dad today.
he is pretty much the smartest man i know. (i still know more about everything than he does, but, i'm not a man, and so...it all makes sense)
funny how by not telling him anything that is going on in my life that i need help with, he can see it in my eyes. not unleashing my frustrations he can sense my hurt. and by not telling him about my anger he knows i am off kilter.
and just by him asking one slight question and my avoiding answering it like the plague...

he solves all of my problems.

let's see how many other things i can manage to ruin.
come on...try me.
i mean, really. even my dog is mad at me right now.

and what did i do?
i was happy when they weren't.
i wasn't in love when they were.
i was sober when they weren't.
i wasn't bitter when they were.

so my views are oppposing...i don't get mad at you for viewing me/life differently. but i get hung on a cross and left for dead so you can add one more person to the roster of who did you dirty.

did you not listen to a word that was said?
to the part where everyone screws up?
to the part where it is a matter of being mature enough to forgive?

and lets talk about how i screwed up, shall we?
i met you when i had a boyfriend. and you have false impressions of me. and think i hang the moon everynight.
and i am the bad guy because you can't have me like you want me.

consider yourself lucky.
ask the people that don't like me.
...THE PEOPLE THAT SAY I PUT A BAD TASTE IN THEIR MOUTH...

i am SORRY that i don't love you... in that sense.
i love you as a PERSON, which i think is a hell of a lot better.
boyfriends suck.
i make secret blogs to gripe about boyfriends.
i gripe about you here so you can read it. and know that i think of you when you aren't around. and that i love you.
and that i dont' hate you.
i hate boyfriends.
it's just...
you came too late. or i showed up for you too early.
one of them.
it could have been different.
but the reality of it is that it isn't different.

i cant help that.

but what i can say is that no matter the circumstance, in someone's eyes i will be the robber.
i either rob the store, or the freedom.
...i should have just stayed home.

cement, sand, water, and pride.

did you know that concrete never stops hardening? it's one of the things you learn in my profession. when foundation is poured, and is good firm foundation, it will always continue to cure making each year stronger.

when the foundation is new, small nicks and pings and minor cracks happen as the world adjusts to it's presence. but after awhile, you have to make sure the slight cracks are just from ground shift and not from earthquakes.

saavy?

so you can stay where you are. in that questionable foundation, or you can pack it up and move on to something that is possibly more solid (for the time being)...but you can never be too sure...

so it's either pay the price to fix the cement you are on...or gamble and lose everything.

i think i will pay the price.

missed the mark

i got glasses this week.
i thought they were cute
then i took pictures of them, and i look like a 14 yr old aimlessy attempting to look like a librarian.

...that cant be good.

misconstrewed reflections.

i was just talking to a guy friend of mine. he is looking for a "jealousy date" for some upcoming party that his ex and her new boy are going to be at.
at first thought, this was funny to me. and i thought it might be fun to pretend to be some floozy he is bagging just for the festivity of it.

but, he is looking for perfection to take to the party.

he's doin' it hardcore. i mean, it's one thing to want to have someone with you so that you don't look lonely or pathetic or somesuch. but to be looking for perfection to stab the ex in the soft spot...just, doesn't seem as celebratory anymore.

especially when he pulled the weight card.

i'm no hot bod. i'll admit it, i have a nice face. i carry the weight in the midsection and that is pretty much it. so when he says "the object is to find skinny" to take to the party because his ex is on the dumpy side, it made me feel so...awful about myself.

i know he wasn't talking about me. i understand it. but when i saw her pictures, i thought she was gorgeous. and he was calling her fat.
so i wondered...what do they call me when they want to make me jealous?

i pretty much stopped the conversation there. it didn't feel good to participate anymore. i told him "this conversation makes me want to go run" and i let him go.
but the truth is, as i went into my closet to put on sneakers and go for a run, i realized what a waste running is at this point.

i can run all night long, and when i come home, i am still going to be less than desireable to many people. and that is fine i can't be everyone's cake.
but i am less than desireable to myself.
and that hits home, you know?

addendum...

who knew after all these years of my emotional retardation.
and then the recent explosion of estrogen i have encountered in the past two years,

that i would end up dating a man that is just as emotionally irrational as i am.

::sigh:: (of relief that is)

Real Life Dialogue

the other day, i was with my mom at the Dallas Home and Garden show. [i understand that this knocks down my cool points, somewhat, but guess what! i had fun! so boom! knock me down more!!! i am still cooler than your cat]

as were were aboot to leave, the last display was Amish Furniture. my mom hearts mission style/Frank Lloyd Wright/ a slice of Americana, so she HAD to stop and look.

they guy working the exhibit was Amish. Ne'er have i met an amish person before. holy clap! [spoken in east indian accent] he was so.....so......nice.

and nice isnt even the word for it. it was more like peace. the man exuded peace like i have never seen before. it really impacted me.

as we were walking away, i said to mom "if that guy is amish, and all amish people are that....nice....i want to be amish."

mom: "kris, they don't allow sarcasm in amish communities..."
me: "well...shit."
mom: "i really don't think you would fit in, kris."

::shrugs::

reason #598098472

spoken like a true man:

"everyone bases their actions off of emotions, krista. it is a part of
life."

this makes me happy on so many levels

...as seen on friend nodnarB's blog:

"So my friend Krista and I are going to be doing the KristaBran Ice Capades. I think we're going to do it up right too. Tights, slicked hair, glitter...she's gonna wear a tutu and stuff....i HOPE we get pictures...cause it's going to be awesome. We should charge admission. I mean, we may not look bad....I think we'll look hot."

i love my friends.

for those that lost...

[editor's note: i have grueled over the task of writing this post for an hour. well...that and checked email and talked to my friend who is highly insensitive about life and goodness and inspiration. but...yeah...that's all really]

i got into my annual car wreck today.
for those of you who know me, i get into a car wreck once a year. i have gone through 5 rear bumpers in the 5 years of having my car. the running joke is "people like to tap that ass"...morons.

details shmetails....long story cut short is that i was backing out, she didn't see me, backed out after i did, hit me, drove off, left me standing there with tears on my cheeks and that lonely 'i have no idea what to do now' feeling.

lots of people have that feeling right now.

luckily, her friend was still in the car that was parked behind me, and called her to come back to the scene of the crime to get insurance info. but after carefully examining my scuffed bumper, finding out that she and her car were ok and that she was really just...oblivious that we got into a wreck (cray little lady), i deduced that no, in fact, i would not be able to sue her and profit from this accident like i did the last one....which, sucks, yea...but...it was also nice to be able to hug the little lady, tell her that i am glad she is okay and that she didn't need to pay to get my car washed.

[origionally, this post was going to be funny, but...some thinking occured on my way home that has changed the outlook totally]

as i was pulling into my subdivision, i was stunned to see 4 firetrucks and several policemen leading the entire elementary school by my house down the busy street for a parade. how cute i thought, initially...but...they all had on red white and blue. with balloons, and flags, and most of all, posters that said stuff like:

"we will not forget"

and

"I love America!!!"

and

"God bless my daddy in Iraq"

..........

after this, i broke down. i was genuinely touched. to see these kids laughing and singing and skipping and running and celebrating...reminded me of loved ones lost. or hurting. or broken. and how we felt helpless and kicked to our knees, but...like my feeling after the wreck coping with tragedy (though none as lofty as the empty feeling left in New York) with love and compassion heals wounds quickly.

and then, i thought of New Orleans. i won't tell you that i didn't cry at this tragedy. i spent a few days crying when i looked at the photos taken. when i watch CNN. that hopeless feeling...that loss...it's horrible. but, you know...there is hope.

that hope lies in one thing: brokeness. and these times that we need God most. some may say "why would God allow this to happen?" my answer to that is simply "God allows bad things to happen to show you that what you lost was nothing at all. you still have him, and he is everything."

i read a quote here that reads,

“God is weak and powerless in the world, and that is exactly the way, the only
way, in which he can be with us and help us.”

so when we are broken, God can help us. that is the point we lose our callouses and soften our hearts to others.

as i drove away from the wreck i thought, she could have easily claimed it was my fault. she could have pressed the issue that i give her my insurance information. she could have sued me. just like i could have sued her. but in the midst of our unfortunate event, we calmed each other down...praised God for good bumpers. laughed at how she thought something was wrong with her brakes not knowing that she had hit me, or i her...for that matter.

and both of us left strong in knowing that yea there was a small blunder. but...everything is going to be OKAY.

not to diminish the grandiosity of the war or of new orleans, that is not my intention AT ALL. i simply am saying that yes (!) there ARE bad times. but, God is here in those bad times. and...through all of the muck and muddle, everything will be OKAY. lessons will be learned. hearts will be softenend. the south will rise again (south Louisiana that is.) and mostly...

HE has it all under control.

:)

does anyone see this besides me?!?

it's always strange to recognise a complete stranger. not like the "have we met before" kind of recognise but the "i saw this person last week at kroger" kind of recognise.

you know you have never met them before, but you can place where you have seen them before.

does that make sense? (i have a hard time explaining some things as i am a HORRIBLE teacher and i get aggravated when people can't read my mind. so if the portrait i paint for you isn't clear, don't make yourself look stupid - just pretend.)

i recognise alex from morning traffic. yes i know his name. i guess the fact that i know who he is, but he has never seen me before would be a bit odd if your weren't informed of the circumstances, but i assure you, that in no way am i invisible, it's just that....he is SO very visable that everyone might recognise him.

and for several reasons when i see alex in rush hour in the mornings, i always find it slightly peculiar that he is even awake at this time of day.

and i wonder:

what does his house look like?

what kind of music does he listen to?

does he wear those black jeans that some guys wear that are so...blgh?

does he have a girlfriend?

what kind of a person is she?

i wonder if she is a bartender or a tatoo artist or if she has a dayjob...

most of the time people wouldn't wonder about these things, but...alex is different that most strangers you see on the road.

i saw him at lunchtime yesterday. part of me wanted to follow him to see where he went. what kind of place he worked at, even. this is because i am FASCINATED by him.

he is just so...strange.

i mean really. who else in this world drives an olde hearse that has been spray painted dull black, with skull fineals on the winged hood, with stenciled "alex can't sleep" all over the sides and tail end?

wouldn't you be curious, too?

i want to be a one hit wonder

just so in 15 years while i am on hold with the telephone company, i can hear my song as musak.

...

i can't even work right now.

i sit and stare at the computer.

and all i can think about is how we take for granted everything we have. there are people in Louisiana right now that can't even buy the gas that we whine about paying exorbitant prices for. i bet if they could buy ANY gas for 10 bucks a gallon they would.

and the pets that are gone.

the memories gone.

the retirement plans thwarted.

college funds erased.

education lost.

medication gone. what about those that can't live without their meds? and what about the looters that thrashed through walmart to steal as much hydrocodone.

hell has broken loose and i can't even think straight as i wake up in the morning and take a little jog and put on my makeup and eat fruit loops.

people that were just like me last week. financially sound. stable. healthy. are living on a highway with a towel over their head to keep off the sun. cracked lips. no money. checks. debit cards. eye drops. i.d. and mostly...no hope.

and i think...when will it be my turn to have my life taken away while i walk amongst the living dead, too.

may god bring peace to those that were affected by the hurricane. if nothing else, bring peace.