looking back...

my ex, A called me the other day out of the blue.
he calls every once in awhile just to see how my family is and how i am.
he always told me when we were together that there was no way in the world he would ever keep in contact with an ex. the reason that came up was because my exes still call me all the time. i never have had a bad break up, so my exes are still friends. some i would go so far as to say are still very dear to me. A included.

anyway for the longest time he would call and would withhold vital information from me. i would have to ask the right questions to get the right answers. for example: last phone call i asked how he and his girl were. they had been married for over 6 months and i never knew! i don't know why he didn't tell me, i mean..he deserves happiness and i am thrilled that he found it!

he told me that it was sort of a secret. they had gotten married by a judge so that she could get her green card.

me: "um..has she gotten it yet?"
A: "it just came in yesterday"
me: "OH NO! HAVE YOU BEEN HOME YET TODAY? HAVE YOU HEARD FROM HER? GO CHECK THE CLOSET MAKE SURE HER CLOTHES ARE STILL THERE!!!!!"
A: "I KNOW! I AM WAS SO NERVOUS, I BIT MY NAILS DOWN TO THE QUICK!! "

i loved it! so typical of me and A. eh... that was a tangent....

they are pregnant! having a baby! little girl! and it is so wonderful to hear that about him. because that is all he ever wanted, you know?

after all of that talk he asked how i was and i got to boast to him for once. i was tired of not boasting. i was tired of also not telling the good information.
so i unleashed it. told him about c and how great things are between us.

it's funny how we have gotten to a place where we can just be pals and nothing hurts anymore. i like that. and i stand firm in my belief that he is one of the best people i have ever met.

:)

vent - a - hood

boss is sick. i feel bad for her. but mostly, i feel bad for me.
when she is out, i am the go-to person. which would be fine, cause i take care o' biddness...unless i have no idea what is going on.

and that is the case 99% of the time here. i have no idea what is going on. and if i try to figure out what is going on, i end up getting on my boss' nerves. so, i stay in the dark, she stays doing everything. what's it to me?

until she is out sick.
then everyone gets mad at me.
but mostly, they get mad at me because she isn't here. like...it's my fault?
sure, i don't know what is goign on..but if you sort of give me a debriefing, i'll surely get the point and be able to accomodate, right?

BLAH!

so i spent most of yesterday running around town for this lady at the realtor's office trying to pull a pricing package together for a potential contractor to bid. (i might as well type this in wingdings...)
but i got the stuff out to her, after being yelled at by her. presumably, people have a notion that since i am not the nrmal person they talk to, that if they are hateful, i'll understand thei magnitude of their request and i will put them at the top of my list.

but really...all it does is stress me out.
i don't like anger.
ask nicely and i will work harder to get it done faster. it's just the way i roll....

and of course when i am trying to run errands for people in this area it is always going to take longer because i get lost every.single.time. i drive out here. i can't help it. only assholes know how to drive around uptown without getting lost. assholes in their stupid 234,2342, 346346 dollar cars.

but i got it to her and everyone was happy. right?

wrong.

she called yesterday afternoon burning a torch about some other issue that i didn't know about and i didn't get the message. so when i walked in the morning, my boss started yelling at me about wher ei was yesterday.

so...i get nervous. cause he is PISSED. and accusational. and i stammer and stutter out where i was. and that looks like i am lying. and so...that sucks.

so in all that work to get her crap to her and keep her happy, she was still angry. and i got chewed for it.

DAMMIT I HATE BEING AN ADULT!

and if this client (who happens to own two lamborghinis) doesn't stop bothering me about vent-hoods and plumbing fixtures that he won't buy because they are too expensive...(he owns two lamborghinis...why can't he afford a 6000 dollar faucet? ugh) i will throw someone out the window.

...probably chinatown.

::the end::

i am starting to remember

why i hated television so much.
i can't afford cable. well, i can, i just...don't want to. i have a religious conviction against paying 80 bucks a month to watch three television shows re-run fourteen times a week. i have a problem with paying 80 bucks for 500 channels i never touched, and really...i didnt watch t.v. that much anyway.

i remember why.

a friend of mine has gotten me obsessed with the show nip/tuck (on dvd) at first it was great. i was addicted to the beauty of it all. but now that i finished the first season and i have moved onto the second...everything is so...sleazy. dramatic. sad.

and each time the show goes off, i imediately feel depressed.
it occurs to me right now since i just finished one episode that i don't really know what i am depressed about.
and i still can't figure it out.

it's just...those stupid t.v. shows end and i come back to reality and i realize i am sitting at home.
which...isn't a big deal on a thursday i guess.

i think i am getting social anxiety disorder.
:)

actually not really, i just...don't like going out a lot. i find myself making excuses and turning down offers to hang out because, well...there is the whole money issue.

what i don't understand is how for two years, i made signigicantly less than i do now, and never had a problem with money. and i shopped all the time. and partied all the time.
and now, i make a lot more money.

and i have to tell people when they ask me out for dinner that i can only afford wendy's.

and wendy's food is good.
but the atmosphere is...wendy's.

so i would rather just stay home.
and watch a show that pisses me off.
and get depressed for absolutely no reason.

::shrugs::
not that i am THAT depressed...
i just...want 500 dollars.
is that too much to ask?
i didn't think so.

when she asked

"what is is like to love someone that loves you the same way you love them?"

i said:
it feels like...
when you make an A on a chemistry test that you studied hard for an never thought you would pass, and you can't wait to get home and tell you mom who will tell your dad who then calls you to let you know that he is proud of you. and have your brother jealous because he coulnd't pass that same test the year before even though he is the smarter kid. and it feels like when you realize you made the highest grade in the class and everyone else made low b's and you want to show off but you know that everyone will figure it out that you got something better at graduation when you are giving your valedictorian speach that includes a story about chemistry class and how you passed that test through blood sweat and tears.
all of the people that love you are thrilled and happy and excited
and all the people that you don't like are raging with envy and don't say a word while people throw a parade for you and you get to wear that little ribbon that says you are valedictorian.

.

that.




i meant every word.
i don't care if it disgusts anyone.
dammit.

you

you make me happy.
the beyond belief kind of happy.
the kind that when i think about you, i forget the traffic that i am standing in.
the kind that when i hear your voice i can take deeper breaths.
the kind that makes me want to tell everyone where and how to get it.
but
they can't have it.
because the happiness you share with me is only yours to give.
and you give it all to me.

you are my friend...but...

lay off for a bit, okay?
you burn a different torch every day for a different person.
a different stranger.
on how they should act. react. be. in order to make you happy.
not everyone in the world is against you.
the only one against you is yourself.

we are all a bunch of screw ups down here, you realize that?
no one has it figured out. no one can possibly be perfect.
but the constant remains that we can still love each other in spite of the differences. the misunderstandings. the pains. the betrayals. the let downs.
because there is a knowing that everyone tries their best. and everyone screws up.

you included.

but every day, all i get from you is static on how this person is this way and that person is that almost as though each new hurt is taken AT you.
no one intentionally hurt you.
no one intentionally screwed up.

and furthermore. no one elected you the judicial review for society perfection.
if there were even such a role, i am almost positive with your background and your mindset.
that no one would elect you if they had to.

let go of the anger.
no one can love you until you learn how to love.

and thanks for testing my patience enough to get under my skin when i am upset about something stupid in the first place to make me do the very same thing to you that i am sick of hearing you do to everyone else.

guess that is one more fault you can find in me when you want to complain to someone else:

i am a hipocrit.

so? God still loves me.
i don't need yours.

hmmmm

you know. i hate to put everyone through this, but...crap.
i can't think of anything to write anymore.
anything that is, except for all the gooey mushy junk about C.

i have loved him. but this weekend i fell IN love with him.
and by love i mean "LOOOOOOOOOOOOVE".
isn't that annoying?

soory kids. it had to happen sooner or later. i have feelings. it's just...that...the more interesting feelings are when i am pissed or sad.
this is just...happiness. NAY! bliss.

i mean so much so that i would even go so far as to cook breakfast at 6 in the morning for a man. i would even camp out in the backyard for him. i even go to restaurants that i hate so that he can have the potato he was craving.
and did i mention the trips to home depot? you want me to go there? cause i will.
hows about standing in the pesticide aisle in heels while we talk about future plans and kiss?
cause that happened. gross huh?

yea i love it.
you do too.

i'm all in love and things.

working....ugh....8-6

i really don't want to go to work today.
::sigh::
not even one year into the working world of career girl-ism and i am trying to find out how i can retire...

:(

:)

Fun with Hobos: I lost count....

A man was walking down the street when he
was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby
looking homeless man who asked him for a
couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars
and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy
beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless
man replied.

"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?"
the man asked.

"No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said.
"I need everything I can get just to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf
course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man.
"I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the
red light district instead of food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?"
exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you
the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home
for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your
wife be furious with you for doing that? I know
I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for
her to see what a man looks like after he has given
up beer, gambling, golf, and sex."

"why GAWD whyyyyyyyy"

remember the olde days? back when soap operas ruled nighttime television? like Dynasty. and Dallas...and those other's but i forget their names.
what i loved to hate and hate to love about those shows is the magnitude at which drama was portrayed.
if people had the ability to wiggly their eyes like japanimation people do...
i am sure that J.R. would have perfected that talent as well as the others.

i always wanted to be at dinner with someone with a martini in hand and a bunch of sequins on my shoulder padded blouse and get angry enough to slosh my comso in the face of some deserving man that had broken my heart then grabbing my huge purse and storming out with a "HUFF" as i throw my glittery scarf over my shoulder.

but dammit all if he didn't beat me to it last night.

i just wish there was a camera on the front door so i could see him grab his chest and wail as he stood in the parking lot crying as he realized i got to drink the rest of his beer.

hey, thanks. :)

i have been feeling incredibly nostalgic lately.
it's not depression.
it's not even really sadness.
it's just....the lonliness for things of the past.
i am not much for change.
i don't really like it to say the least.
i welcome the weather.
but something about october...just...makes me cold.
all in all i feel pleasant.
my house is clean.
i have all the candles lit. it's calm and holistic enough, i suppose.
but...i feel like i am missing something.
i miss you.
i miss things.
i miss certain smells.
and i keep having this keen reminder of every sordid detail that happened last year.
and the year before.
and the year before.
october is my favorite time of year.
and what is silly is.
after the things that i have this year fade away, next october i will be feeling a bit of loss for what i am not even paying attention to now.
that's pretty sad.

woah

what is the world coming to when the city with the largest market for radio stations since New York* is playing New Kids on the Block!?

Granted...i will proudly say that even after all the taboo affinity for fan-fare and fan-ware has dwindled to a society that has grown up to loathe Danny, Donnie, Jordan, Joe and that other guy..."The Right Stuff" is still a pretty good song.

...course i would ne'er admit that publicly.







*statistically speaking. and we all know statistics are 76% false

...still

there's a reality that everyone has to face. the reality of imperfection.
but the most critical part about that reality is the discernment to not attack other's imperfections as though you were a clean slate. it's just how it is.

mr. romance attacked mine.

i love him. hi. yes. this is k. she is in love. the girl that scoffs at sweet nothings. this is the first time. charge 5 bucks to come look at me. i am 24 and just now in love. oddities.
but i swear if i had the choice of who i would love, this sure wouldn't be it. i feel like i have to teach him so many things. almost as if he is a little boy always in trouble...but, he is trainable so that works out nicely. aw..my sweet boyish Mr. Romance.

you know. the only other serious relationship i have ever been in was with a and he was like....50 years older than me. so i had no teaching to do. we just....were.
now...i am the babysitter you get to kiss sometimes :) you being Mr. Romance.

::end of tangent 8745387264::

so i have known that everyone has their "one thing" that is what keeps them awake at night. that if they could change that "one thing" in their life things would be better. each person's "one thing" is different in subject matter, and frankly, i think, on a worldly scale, each one varies. i mean...your one thing could be FAR worse than mine....but as you are a stronger person in character, or soul, or muscle fabrication, or bone structure, you can handle your "one thing" and mine could be mere beans to you...

saavy?

what i mean is simply that although on this worldy scale, "one things" vary in magnitude, on a subjective level, they are all the same.

and other's should be sensitive enough to not stab at that. don't take that blow. don't shove my face in it...
that's fighting dirty.

and we haven't done that since kindergarden.

and so...i will be honest when i say that although he didn't mean what he said, i am having a reallly hard time getting over it, you know? it's not like i am mad, or upset...but...it sort of sits there on the edge of my brain constantly kicking its' legs into the side of my skull. and with each hit, comes a reminder.

and it kind of hurts.

singing in the rain.

yesterday driving home, i had the windows open. mainly to save gas because i was trying to make it the 26 mile/one hour drive home with the gas empty light on. (i hate pumping gas. that is what Mr. Romance is for. i don't want any part of it) and the weather lately has been perfect for letting the air blow through my hair as i sit on the highway. nothing feels more fresh and alive as a nice whiff of pure exhaust from diesels mixed in the the city smog. AHHHHH....

carefree. happy. refreshed....and then...the back window wouldn't close when i got home. (yes. i made the 26 miles!) it would roll down, but not up..and i HATE when that happens.

and although it should be noted that i was less upset about the window motor breaking this time than i was the last time it happened (that is probably because i don't live in a ghetto Denton apt. and didn't have to put the Holy Bible in the front seat hoping it would convict [kun-vikt] a would be convict [kahn-vikt] from stealing something...i don't know...my floor mats?). the urgency of the situation was slight until i found out that it is supposed to storm tomorrow and be freezing out thursday and friday.

i am in my car 3 hours a day. i don't want to turn into a krista shaped igloo. is that so much to ask that i be comfortable?!?!

i called my dad today after getting a few quotes on what the part and labor would cost. everywhere i called it would be around 350. (which i find to be ridiculous) and i would obviously need his help on this one as i am po' folk. he basically told me no.

ouch.

so i paniced (pan-iced??!? panicked?) as any girl in my position would do, right?

"crap! what happens when it storms tomorrow?!?! what about when it freezes over on saturday!".

we worked it out where he would buy the part and try to fix it himself and in the meantime, i should meet up with him for lunch to try to push the window closed so it wouldn't get stolen while i was working in, as you are all fully aware, in the ghetto.

i met up with dad. we crank the car try to roll it up with the little button. nothing. try to maneuver it from the door's buttons in the backseat. here, it won't even...go...down...

ooooh....the child protective lock....

why do i always forget the little details? i am a smart girl, i promise. i know big words. i have a crush on syntax. i can figure out computers fairly well for a chick that doesn't care about computers. i can change breaks, spark plugs, and even oil and filter...

but...i can't roll a window up with the child locks on...

::blink
::blink blink::