i'm gonna be a big star...

it's been awhile since i have played for an audience.
friday night c forced me at gunpoint to leave my family's cutthroat game of "hell" to go to an open mic night at this coffee place that he frequents.
it's a pretty big deal in his small town.

pretty big deal = 7 people show up. 4 of which are in my party, 3 are his neighbors :)

small towns are funny places. you can't go anywhere without everyone knowing your business. anonymity isn't well known (huk-yuk). and sometimes it makes me nervous, what with my increasing decrease in self esteem, everyday i get a little more apprehensive about being in public. (and at this rate, i will become one of those home-bound OCD people with the next fortnight.)

regardless, to appease c, i climbed on stage. you know...if you have ever been on a stage, as i have been, (and not stripping, either...i know this is dallas but i never did get too closely involved with poles as 75% of the other females and 13% of males have) you will know the feeling of home that you get.
all of a sudden, i wan't uncomfortable anymore.

and as neurotic as it sounds, with everyone staring at me in complete silence, i felt comfortable. i guess one man's nightmare is another man's dream...

i played two songs and had two encores.

pretty damn good for the better half of an entire town to be that adamant about seeing a chick on stage. especially when they didn't get to see boobies.

i have been asked to come back and play a full set in January. (full set being 4 hours). i hope i get paid a bunch even if i am fully dressed when i perform.

:)

life after nothing

c was going through his 5 year plan to me the other night.
after that, he went through his 15 year plan.
he seems to have his entire life planned to the 't'. and that is wonderful. that means he has goals, motivation. desire.

it made me feel stupid.
HE didn't.but the fact that i have nothing left to do makes me feel a little blank.

he asked me what my plans were. and i just sat there. wow. um...uh...
why haven't i put thought into this? i guess...up until now the plan was sort of there for me.

1. be involved in a team sport or dance class as a toddler
2. make straight A's in elem. school
3. live through middle school
4. get straight A's
5. get a stupid job to pay for the gas to get to and from school and said job
6. graduate
7. go to college
8. graduate
9. get a job
10. uh....now what?

die?
no.
live? well....sure...but...doing what?

and no one ever said "hey K, now it is time for you to do a big heap of cool things on your own."
and because i am happy. and i have the house. and the dog. and the wonderful relationship. and things are nice at my dead end job. it never really occured to me that i am a waste.

...until it finally occured to me that i am a waste.

but, as a good bullshitter would, i came up with a good appeasing answer for the time to get me through the conversation without letting the world (read: my world) know that i am a waste:

"well, i plan on getting married and being a mommy. and then 18 years later, i will start looking for things to bide my time, like yoga. pilates. a quilting bee..." (?)

and wow...
did i just say that outloud?
who said that? and how did they get in my mouth?!?!!?

so i have to have goals.
and i have to achieve them so that i don't continue being a waste.
so far, after much consideration and deliberation, this is what my list for my life looks like thus far:

1. get goals

and well...hopefully, that won't take 5 years.

there is nothing i can do or say to help your situation.
i have tried.
i have run full-force, head-on in thousands of directions trying in desperation to help you tackle this.
each time, right before the hit, i stop and realize.
i have no idea.

there is not way i can fathom what you are feeling. i can empathize, but i have no idea. i won't lie and tell you that i understand. i don't. but i will tell you that i have cried for you daily since the eruption of the problem.

i tried to explain it to c, so he would understand that first night why i was so upset:
when this happens to a girl friend, your best friend...it happens to you, too.
he didn't get it.
i don't expect him to.
i dont expect you to.

i just...pray that in all of this, you are able to find peace. to find your light. to find your heart; the one that broke many times before.
and as trite as it sounds, i know that you can get through this, and in a few years it will be just another piece to go into the jigsaw puzzle that makes the complex You that you are.

you were never simple.
this is just another way to prove that.
and though neither of us can see the light at the end of your tunnel, it's still there...
it;s just...so far away that it looks like the burnt ember of a snuffed out flame.

you just gotta run closer to it to feel it's heat once more.
...i don't care if you hate running.

the difference between my God and your god.

my God sits on his throne strong. proud. all-knowing. infinite. abundant. and powerful.
the god that you describe to me - the god of yours that you claim "i think that" to express your ideology of who your god is - sits indian style on a rug made of cheap wool crossing his fingers begging and pleading and hoping that you choose him.

i didn't choose God. i didn't get the memo fast enough so that when i die or rapture comes that i get to join his club and be thankful that i am smarter than those that don't chose my god. i don't spend eternity (or even the nanosecond in time that i am on earth) trying to convince other people through song and dance and religious ho-hum that he, she, and all their cousins should join my club, too.

that's just...a little self-indulgent to me.

to say that God waits for us to make a decision on his worthiness in our lives is heresy. what happened to the part where He is the Alpha? the Omega? the Beginning and the End? what happened to his worth being infinite? what about the part where he knew me before i was born?

if he knew me before i was born, wouldn't that also mean that he knows if i would "choose" him or not?
and if he knows i will or will not choose him, doesn't that mean that he just created me whether or not i will accept his gift of grace?

saying that we as humans have a free will is belittling and degrading the majesty of the God in heaven.
because i know that he isn't sitting there next to Jesus putting a winning bet on if i will be gracious enough to accept Him.

I am chosen.

God granted me grace.

the humility i feel for that gracious gift is the equal and opposite reaction to the magnitude of his worth.

that, my friends, is fact.

dallas: the world's largest small town.

once upon a time, k was dating this guy, MC. MC's step grandmother is japanese and her brother owned a japanese restaurant that MC raved about. he always spoke about how cool his uncle was, and how he loved the family. even showed k the restaurant a few times in passing "look, the girl i am dating, but refuse to refer to as my "girlfriend" to anyone in public, there is SS's restaurant!!! i would take you sometime, but i don't really want anyone to know about you because i am totally self absorbed and they would love you because you are so sweet, and kind, and gentle, and gorgeous, and by the way...you smell a bit like jesus...and that would totally take the attention off of me"

K's relationship with MC didn't last long, because narcissists have a hard time dealing with people on a day to day basis that are completely in love with themselves. besides, how could she love someone that had such bad taste in people? (people in this case being MC, not K)

four years later, K has become successful (its a facad.) and works for one of dallas' own top 25 designer's of 2006 (even though 2006 hasn't even begun!!!). she has C the man of her dreams. a family that is wonderful. a beautiful home. a bank account that is thriving (i would say that having 10-15 bucks at all time is pretty thrive...eh...ful...would not you?)

it is a big night for those that work in her firm. their latest design a sushi restaurant is having it's opening party. invitation only. 400 people invited. sushi, sake, asian beers, all provided. cocktails and mingling: a night of schmooze and booze!!

one thing is odd though.

MC's uncle + the owner of the swank sushi restaurant = same man.

4 years after a nasty breakup and rarely a word spoken, and here we meet again.

which, wouldn't be so bad, say, if....i wasn't standing in the restaurant holding my boss' 4 month old when MC approaches me and says "my gawd, K! how have you been?!?! is she YOURS!!" with a horrid, ghastly, appalled, and ashamed look written all over his face.

::insert my baby-slobbered all over face and neck stuttering and stammering to explain why i am holding an infant::

but. there is joy in this...after all the akward-mumbling and the blank 'so what are you up to's:

• his mom called my mom today to tell my mother how gorgeous i am now :)
• he was able to see how great i am doing with my career with a top designer. (who really is incredible as a person AND with his work. i have said that since i was conned into attending a lecture of his when i was 18 for extra credit). :)
• he got to see what a gorgeous man and wonderful person i am with. who is BY FAR a better catch than he. (take that!)
• and when i was introduced to his wife, i wasn't given ample time to wipe off baby slobber from my hands when i shook hers. :)
  

i know i know.

im a jerk.

:)








...but i win!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SEX SYMBOL!!!!!!

today is the day of birth of i, too, have feelings! and i am a proud parent of a one year olde!!! it's been delightfully enriching (and sometimes thrilling) to lend my innerworkings to the interpublic eye. soon, we can see what the "terrible twos" will bring!!!!!

...oh, wait. that might not be as good for me as it is the blog. uh-oh.

!!!!

dos mas dias!!


?

chosen profession.

this is why i am a designer...

after a crazy accident with my alarm clock being hurled across the room one morning, my dial is now set to...i know...i know...KVIL. but, in my defense, they play Michael Buble's "Home" almost every day at 5 and the is by far the BEST way to wake up, because that man's voice....

let's just say i publicly announce that i have a MAD CRUSH on his vocal chords....and stuff. (not that i dig his music or anything...but...i do)

anyway...now that i just commited social suicide and you will all probably crucify me, i will get on to the story.

so this morning they had a little quiz that has all but BAMBOOZLED me. maybe you can help:

let say you and i go to lunch with a friend. the bill is 30 bucks so we all throw in 10. the manager gives us a discount becuase i am so beautiful and he has a crush on me making the bill 25 and almost impossible to split 3 ways, unless you are that guy that can do ridiculous math in your heaad (but i wouldn't go to lunch with that guy) so the waiter says to manager "if i give 5 bucks back, how do i split that 3 ways?" the manager says "you know...you are right. let's keep two and give them all back 1 buck each"

so the bill was 30 we all pay 10 get 1 buck back. so what have we paid now? 9 dollars.

9 x 3 = 27
27 + the managers 2 bucks = 29.

where is the last dollar?!?!?!

AHHHHHHH

i just went cross-eyed.

Fun with Hobos Fo': Scare em' to Death

[this post isn't so much about hobos except one was standing on the corner as the events about to be told took place. but...then again...one is always standing on the corner of Swiss and Haskell so that is close enough]



"could the janitor please bring the master key to the principal's office?"

i had a stupid algebra teacher in high school (ms. archer) she had beans for brains. she was the moron that told all of us students what that phrase over the intercom at school was for.

a bomb.

or bomb threat. back when i was in high school bomb threats were as normal as having a coach date one of the cheerleaders. (read: everyday)

no one gives those bomb announcements in real life.
not to the girl walking down swiss ave at 11:54 this afternoon.
not to the hobo that was casually freaking everyone out on the corner.
not to the people that parked their cars right where the bomb would bust.
not to you.

and, not to me.

today. there was a bomb in the front yard of my office.

i was casually pretending to work minding my own business, carefully counting the minutes until i could go home when it happened.

the loudest BOOM! i have ever heard
sparks
screams
car alarms
loss of electricity.
then silence.
i looked out the window to see a girl laying on the ground.

panic.


then we all realized it was just the transformer that is in the front yard that blew.
gawd that was scary.

but i got to leave early!!!
(even though i leave at noon anyway..i got to leave at 11:42. and that 18 minutes is HUGE in my world.)