i, too, have feelings

with me.

2010-01-21T20:00:00.000-08:00

sometimes i just need somebody
beside me
just to feel lonely
don't tell me that you understand
that you feel me
i'd trade your pituy

just to be...
just to breathe...
you don't really want me this way.
i don't think that i'll ever change.

i had no idea that i could be human
that i could destroy
i want to avoid

we both know that it could have been anyone.
to do the things that you've done.
be who i've become.

but it was me...
it was me...
you don't really want me this way .
i dont think that i'll ever change.
and all the mistakes that i've made.
they can't be healed by your name.

so let me be...
let me breathe..
i don't really want you this way.
i don't think that you'll ever change.

2010-01-10T17:34:00.000-08:00

coming out of hybernation is really an awful feeling.
i want to crawl back into my cave and go back to sleep.
forever.

god, yes, i have feelings. all of them. in hyperdrive, overkill, wreckless abandon. with fervor, and vehenmency, and mountains of regret i have them all.

except happiness. i've lost that one in amongst everything else. anger, dissatisfaction, confusion, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain.

you punched me in the stomach today. with out intent, i know. but still, you don't think do you? you never really think about what you are doing when you do it.
you are of no consequence.
no folly.

and i have such an uproar of feeling that i can't even figure out which feeling i am feeling at this moment.

i can't put a name to it's face. but it's face is horrified. stricken. weeping and gnashing it's teeth.

oh. my. god. what have i done?

i wish i could blame you. but i did it, too. we are all equally horrible people. all of us. each and everyone. mean. ugly. selfish. hateful. murderous.

but for some reason, i wish just one of those awful people were here with me now. to make me forget that i am supposed to be so damn unhappy right now. so lost. so sad. i just want someone to make me forget.

and still...i remember.

to you.

2008-07-30T13:56:00.001-07:00

like a massive white wall that has years of grim and scuff-marks.
i stare at you in complete overwhelm thinking "this job is too great for me"
...someone of my stature.

i can't stand tall enough to paint your very tiptop.
to cover your scratches.

and you aren't my wall to fix anyway.
though offer suggestiong i might. if no one has the energy or the desire to make you shiney and new...it may never happen.

so we all stand here - my crew of critics and i - with furrowed brows, hands to our chin, tapping our feet.
knowing what needs to be done.
each of us wanting to fix this wall our certain way.
each of us knowing our way is the best.

but no one is as frustrated as i am that the wall just doesn't seem to paint itself.

i love what the wall was when it was first built.
i love what the wall - in my mind - is going to be when someone finally touches it up.

magic doesn't happen overnight, i guess. so i sit. wanting. aching. needing you to make yourself something i want to look at.

right now, i don't want to look at you.

it's biblical.

2008-02-01T09:25:00.000-08:00

i vaguely remember my mom taking me to one of those free clinics when i was younger. my memory is pretty fuzzy about the whole thing, because i tend to black-out bad memories (like 7th grade) so i can't really recall WHY we were at the clinic. maybe we were going because i was sick? she was sick? um...maybe it wasn't even a free clinic really...it may have just been in a bad part of town and LOOKED free what with all the crickets on the floor and the lack of english used in the lobbies....but whatever. i am trying to paint a picture here. just go with it.

in fact, let me embellish:

when i was little, i was dying of some rare disease so my mom took me to Juarez, Mexico to a free clinic...and the entire experience has scarred me for life. the rare disease, however...i can't recall...but the clinic. man...i won't forget that...

and that is pretty much how Duncan is probably feeling about me today. to save a few bucks, i decided to take him to the free clinic to get fixed. the local SPCA is literally 2 miles from my house, and i live in a really nice area...so...i don't know what i was thinking...that this place would be a palace? They charge pennies to snip his marbles off and i thought we would be greeted with champagne and those fancy dog biscuits from those silly dog stores that are in Snider Plaza? sometimes i wonder why i don't think things through properly.

have you ever been to the spca? it's....dirty. and smells of cat urine and pain. you can hear 75 little dogs screaming from the back rooms and the cats. my god...so many cats....

Duncan knew something was up because he started getting sick in the car on the way to the SPCA. i fully believe that little goblin can read my mind, and he knew i was about to deceive him royally. And when we walked into the dog/torture chamber, i could feel him begin to hate me...much like i fictionally hated my mother for taking me to that fictional free clinic in mexico.

i have become increasingly overdramatic in the recent years. i don't know if it is for shock-value or entertainment sake so much, but i get so squeamish these days and also i have such VIVID dreams...so i realize what i say here is as 100% ridiculous as it sounds, but i am worried. like...motherly worried. i dreamt last night that christopher made me electrocute Duncan and so today when i handed him over to the SPCA, i began to worry about all sorts of things:

1. what if they accidentally put him up for adoption?
2. what if he becomes crippled?
3. what if he is sick tonight and i have to stay home and not go to that party i was so looking forward to going to?
4. what if the teeth bleaching stuff i use makes my teeth permanently sensitive?

But mostly, like my lack of memory of my fictional rare fatal disorder, i wonder if Duncan is going to miss his boy bits when he chases his tail from now on.....

2008-01-23T14:46:00.001-08:00

when i was 22, i dated an older guy. i am giong to be 100% honest here...he was 13 years older than me. i was 22, he was 35. i was still in college, and young, and carefree, and my chest was pert, and i could live on 3 hours of sleep. he was...old. and liked 80's music. and drove an old car that smelled funny. and wore tapered leg jeans (when i first met him).

i always used to tease him about being old. jokes about alzheimers and hip-fractures, and osteoarthritis, and the like were in my daily repetoire. he was good about it. mostly because i am so delicious...and it never really seemed to hurt his feelings but moreso just made him laugh. it was fun.

we went to six flags together once. we took his then-13 year old neice and one of her buddies with us. that was interesting. because i was somewhere in between the two. in fact, i was closer to their age bracket. and he was out of the loop...or so i thought.
at one point, when we were arguiing about music or somesuch, the friend of the neice said to me and the boyfriend "whatever....that's because ya'll are OLD NEWS" because we didn't like the same kind of music that they like.

i didn't take the old man joke as well as he did. mostly because this was the first time in my entire life that i was the butt of the old-person joke, and it didn't feel good. it made me feel....wrinkly. besides, HE was old news! not me! i was merely 22! he was old enough to be my father, too (which would be really really sad....but whatever...you CAN procreate at 13, i think.) why were these girls teaming up on me? why was i not the uncle's cool girlfriend? why was i just the fuddy duddy? this is an OUTRAGE!!!!!!!

and from that day forward, i have had a complex about being "old news". it's an idea that creeps up on me almost daily when i am in my car. because i still don't like the music that some of the 13 year olds are listening to.
my favorite station used to be the edge. it was alternative rock. it was the radio station people were allowed to cuss on.....but one day somewhere in between 22 and 26 that changed, i started tuning into mix. the music of the 80s 90s and today...

and most recently, i have found myself really depreciating agewise when i listen to the likes of the Lite rock station and the ::gasp:: oldies. (in my defense, i do NOT call music from my childhood oldies, thank you very much)

but when i would rather listen to the fuddy duddy stations instead of the cool pop stations like all the hipsters, it gets me thinking...have i become the old fart that doesn't evolve with the styles and the tastes of today but instead stays stuck forever in my favorite time-period?

have i become the older boyfriend?!

but then something lovely happened. The alternative rock station started magically playing good music again. and even though it is the exact same tune that i can hear on the oldies station or the lite rock station....the station that is broadcasting my favorite music is the edgy young station.

and all of a sudden, i am back in the loop.

i am missing something.

2008-01-11T12:03:00.000-08:00

when i get to heaven, i will need to have a few words with God. i imagine most people have a laundry list of things they want to go over with the big boss, so this isn't so much a new concept, but...i feel like voicing my opinions loudly on a grand scale about one certain topic that has been weighing on my mind:

wisdom teeth.

why?
WHAT FOR?
is there some greater purpose in God's will for wisdom teeth other than what we know about them?
is there something that we humans are missing?

a few months ago, some nicely dressed cute guy waltzed into my office and caught me on a good day. he was selling teeth whitening packages. after flirting for a few minutes, he convinced me and mom to buy them. it was a good deal, so why not. the kicker was i had to go to a certain dentist to get the whitening. so what?

my appt with this new dentist was on monday. everything was normal. the office smelled of fluoride and fear...i took xrays, had my teeth cleaned, checked for cavities and was told that it was high time that i get my wisdom teeth removed.

which, i knew. i mean....it's obvious that something has gone terribly awry when your gorgeous teeth have erupted little teethlings in the back of your mouth that are black. BLACK. i know. gross.

as i was checking out and making an appt to pick up the teeth whitening trays for next week, i was asked if i wanted to have my wisdom teeth extracted that afternoon. wow. so fast. and we just met....of course i wanted it done. better now that never...or worse, better now than to wait until my teeth COMPLETELY rot.

when given a quote for the cost of extraction from the receptionist of $863.00 i started laughing. i have insurance that is supposed to cover this sort of thing and my cost would STILL be more than a new sofa? um....i'll take the new sofa.

i strictly remember chickening out about 4 years ago from getting my teeth removed when i didn't have insurance and my cost was going to be 700 dollars. so how...in four years....did the cost quadruplify? it was time for research, ya'll. and those of you who know me well know how much i loooooove to research nonsensical things.

i called a previous dentist, gave them my insurance info and asked for a quote. 500 bucks. which was a heck of a deal compared to the other, so i took it. made the appt for tuesday.

i actually did really well on the day of "surgery" i had the dentist hook me up to the elephant nose thing, and i giggled away hugging my knees as they did the surgery. it was all pretty scientific, too. (especially when i got home and started drilling on my old teeth to see what a cavity smells like when you cut a tooth in half...)

the fun part? the cost ended up only being $180 dollars. apparantly, the OTHER dentist decided to tell my insurance that my two bottom teeth would have to be carved out even though they were fully "erupted" (that's dentist-speak) because their extraction was coded as a more invasive procedure, my insurance would only cover 50%. At the GOOD dentist, they coded my procedure correctly and the insurance covered 80%. PLUS they are about 50% cheaper in the first place. PLUS PLUS this dentist has a contract with my insurance agency which gave me an even BETTER dicsount. weeeeeeeee.

i saved almost 700 bucks by driving to mesquite instead of using a fancy pants plano DDS. Smart move on me!

So...i went out and bought a new sofa. :)

17 days

2007-11-19T12:22:00.000-08:00

I am having surgery in 17 days. I'm pretty excited about it all. And most people don't know about it yet. Which is OK. it's no one's business but mine, my husband's, my doctor's, and....my bank's. :)

It will be exciting to post about it once it happens and I start getting better.

healthy sounds good. it's a concept i have never really known anything about. so i am interested in what it will be like. :)

totally

2007-11-06T09:31:00.000-08:00

i just got off of the phone with Reservation Rewards. for those of you that don't know, Res. Rew. is that lovely company linked to many many online shopping sites (Fandango.com Chadwick's, lillian vernon, um....red envelope, etc) that SUCK.

they are con-artists like woah.
in fact, about 4 years ago, i bought something for someone off of some website and got a little option at the bottom of the webcart thing that asked if i wanted coupons for later purchases. and who WOULDN'T want a short email with coupons for online shopping? I;ll tell you who: AMERICA.

They get you good, guys. and if you are like a lot of people, you don't pay particular attention to most of your statements in the mail and you MISS out on the 10$ that is automatically being deducted each month in order for you to receive an email about coupons.

Fancy.

So 4 years ago, i caught this after 1 deduction and i immediately called and was refunded my money.
Fastforward to today. i am checking out my dad's bank account for several reasons:

1. i am nosy.
2. this is essentially MY MONEY, too, because when i kill off my dad, it will be split between me and sean.
3. i am on his account still from when i was in high school 100 years ago, and i have access, so...why not?

and i noticed that he and mom (and...for all intents and purposes, me and sean) are being charged 10 bucks a month for coupons that go to the spam folder of someone's email account.

so...because this is MY money we are talking about, i pretended to be mom and i called the company up and said things like "UNCONSITUTIONAL" and "BETTER BUSINESS BUREAU" and "LAWYER!" and "BULLSHIT!!!!"

but mostly...i got to use the word unconstitutional, which was altogether awesome and worth every penny of the 10 bucks a month that has been coming out for God knows how long. And you know..that IS a really really strong word. it's amazing what someone will do for you if you say "unconsititional". i bet i could go to the moon if i complained to someone with enough power about the idea of only astronauts getting to space travel being unconstitutional.

i dare you to try it sometime today. or in the future. if you are pissed at someone. or you are calling customer service somewhere. or you are trying to get someone that was at a stopsign before you to freakin GO, already....shout to them about your feelings of the constitution and i totally bet you will get your way.

cause i got a full refund and i didn't even really have to work hard for it.
which is good.

although working hard for full refunds makes for better stories usually.
dammit. that is unconstitutional!!!!!

my husband, the biggest loser, cereal, and this weekend.

2007-08-22T08:19:00.000-07:00

i love morning-time. i am home alone...the sound of 6 alarms going off...and a HUGE no...

GARGANTUAN!!!!!!!!

bowl of cereal while i play on the internet freely. it's veddy nice.
this morning, however, my cereal-internet-alone-alarmclock-time was interrupted by c who calls to say "have you ever seen the show 'the biggest loser'?"

now. let's preface this...c HATES, LOATHES, SHAKES WITH FURY at tv, let alone realty tv shows...and i of course know exactly what he is talking about when he asks if i know the show...but i was so interested in what he was getting at (and entertained) that i felt compelled to lie.

"no. what is that?"
"its a reality tv show where people get together and try to lose weight and diet and excersize and who ever loses the most, wins! it's a really cool show"
".....how did you hear about this?"
"so and so from work! he says his wife loves it, and that he has watched it a few times and it is really down to earth and a good show..."
"...ok"
"...so, they are having auditions in dallas..."
"you want me to go on tv and tell the whole world that i am fat?! i wanted to keep that a secret"
"nooooo. i want you to go on tv so america can fall in love with you!"
"honey, america wouldn't fall in love...they would realize what an evil bitch i am"
"that's the other option.."

i explained to c how difficult it would be for me to spend 6 weeks or whatever length of time being fake and pretending to be lovely, and how that would take a toll on who i am as a person, and would really go agaist everything that i hold dear:

cussing
eating big bowls of cereal
walking around naked
picking my nose
yelling at people
being lazy
and, of course, vindication.

and so...he is going to find out more about auditions.

........

wow...what a mess

2007-08-19T20:03:00.000-07:00

so the house was re-tiled, finally. almost exactly one year since the tile eruption began, finally someone got off of their tooshie and chose to fix the problem. yay, and things.

because of the extensive gutting of the house that would take place, c and i pretty much obliterated the living areas...piled EVERYTHING into the guest room, office, and parlor...and turned our bedroom into a hotel...complete with wireless internet and incredible sheets. (for a hotel anyway).

one week and 2 weeks and 3 days later....the after-shock of the tile experience is still being felt...everytime i need to run to the ladies...and remember that the guest toilet is now making it's happy home in the bathtub...and also everytime i stub my toe on a baseboard that wasn't ripped off ofthe wall complete and juts out 6 inches.

and there is that whole random black smudge of a handprint every once in a while...on the walls. and ceiling. (which makes sense to me,too. i mean..get new flooring and a gratuitous handprint on you 15 ft ceiling. it's valid)

not to mention the bit where the front door no longer has a working threshold because the genius' broke three screws IN the slab and were not able to re-install that either...

it was pretty annoying that when i tried to hook my computer back up in the office after we started moving things back to their places..that not only is my computer on the verge of (another) crash....it no longer is powerful enough to have a conversation with the modem. so...we bought a new computer for me. (and...well...c got one too...which...is a whole 'nother story, really)

so now that i am completely up and running (save for the bathroom, the walls, the threshold, and the baseboards...) i uploaded images of the fun:

the BEFORE:

and, the AFTER (well..the after before the real after...):

and yes. that IS a wall-mount 42" flat screen tv hanging about a lovely west elm media unit.

i, too, am disappointed.

2007-08-13T09:07:00.001-07:00

2007-07-10T09:25:00.000-07:00

mom and i took a trip to south louisiana last weekend. it was sort of impromptu as we we didn't even make the plans to actually go there until, i guess....monday.
but, as i drove c to the airport on thursday morning (at, a-hem 3 am...) i was also on my way to Louisiana!

we started out the trip with the sole intention our touring antebellum homes around river road in between baton rouge and new orleans. but other acticities included (but were not limited to):

- driving down small country roads through the swamps of louisiana.
- talking to a creole swamp man about katrina and oak trees
- touring the ninth ward of new orleans
- making out with creole men (mom was kissed by one....)
- looking at tigers
- chasing down motorcyclists
- stealing sugar cane
- getting my mother drunk at 11 am on mint julips.

a good point was brought up to us while we were on the trip by a friend we made named judy.
she explained to us that the sugary southern draw from, say, georgia...was merely a drawn out version of a british accent.
as she demonstrated her theory, i asked her if she could speak in a cajun accent, to which she then explained that cajun and creole accents are simply french accents that are drawn out.

if i could type it out to show you, i would....but it doesn't really work i don't think. i suppose for giggles, i could try....

british: "why darling, i do declare!"
southern: "why dahlin' i dooooo declayah!"
french: "wee wee, ah gahwantee you weel love theez!"
creole: "weyew nah, ah gayrontee yeh weel luuuuve this!"

yea that doesn't exactly work...
but if you try it out loud....say somethin in british out loud, then slow it down and draw it out. tell me that isn't southern! and the same for the creole.

anyway, i decided that this meant that the thick texas accent was really spanish accents drawn out, but i have no idea how to test this hypothesis....

Bridaled Tales: The Day of Reckoning

2007-04-06T07:51:00.000-07:00

I am so busy. busy busy busy. what am i doing? absolutely nothing. i have spent a lot of time lately cooking. and tending to christopher. this whole "new marriage" bit brings out the TOTAL betty crocker in a girl. (it's kinda funny. i haven't been this domesticated since....kindergarden when my next-door-neighbor, John John, and i played doctor....)and oh. also...last night, i spent the entire evening prancing around in an apron that an aunt gave me as a wedding gift in my panties and high heels.

that was pretty fun.and also incredibly time-consuming.

anyway. I need to finish my series of uninteresting - no one cares but me and possibly my mom - blogs about the past few weeks. and not because i want to gush about wedding and brides and flowers and ruffles, but mostly because i have this lovely obsession with seeing the funny in everything. (the "fun" in fun krista came from somewhere!)

so. on a female's wedding day. the typical thing that they do is wake up early. get a massage. maybe a pedicure. or a facial. have a bridal breakfast....or lunch...or brunch...either way, it's only fruit and water for the bride! don't want her to get sick or bloated. or fat!!! afterwards, they put on a cute little white jogging suit that says "the bride" in silver glitter on the back to wear during the wedding preperations. go get their makeup done by a pro. their hair done by a pro. then all their grandmothers and aunts and girlfriends and gay friends stand around and squeal in delight at how beautiful she is. after all, it is HER day. everyone sucks up. kisses up. lies to. compliments. and dotes on a bride on her day! she is a princess! a queen! a budding flower in the spring breeze! she is THE BRIDE!!!!!!

bla bla bla.

on MY wedding day. i declare that i fully intend on sleeping late. if anyone wakes me up, i will promptly slit their achilles tendons. around 10:30 (hey it's late for me ok?) i slowly roll out of bed...trip down the stairs. crawl into my parents room where they were still in bed, too. by this time i am totally wiped out and in need of a nap from all the work of waking up, so i crawled into bed with them like i did when i was 5, and fell back to sleep.
when i woke up again, i asked mom to make me biscuits and gravy for breakfast. complete with scrambled eggs, bacon, and a HUGE glass of chocolate milk (extra chocolate).when i had eaten so much i was sick (and sleepy) i took another nap. hey. the rule is it is my day, right? around 12:30 or so, i took a quick shower. and with wet hair and baggy jeans a nasty tank top (no bra) and dirty flip flops. i make my way to get my hair done.

and...well...that was sort of it.we put on make up, our dresses, and bam. it was time to go. no aunts. no grandmas, no moms, no gay men, nothing just me and my three girls Lish, Gayle, and Bekah.

easy enough.

i won't talk about the part where i sort of went off the deep end. i mean...in MY defense, it only lasted for like...3 minutes. but i did turn into a dragon. (and i am quite embarrassed about it) mostly i was just hot. you know how we irish people are. our blood is comprised of 76% beer, and everyone KNOWS how horrible hot beer is.

NASTY.

anyway...lalala wedding is over. [brother] sean did a great job with the ceremony. it was cute having my brother be the guy to marry us. in fact...i would go so far as to say that his sermonette and his message was beautiful and personal and i truly was touched by the effort he put into the wedding.

i think sean even cared more about it all than i did. that and my sister in law, christi who did all the florals. they worked HARD. all i did was invite a crap load of people that didn't show up or RSVP tell someone to bring food. someone else to bring a cake or some sort. tell a guy to play some songs (whichever he wanted to pull out of his bag of tricks would be fine with me) and then i showed up to the wedding.
i felt like since everyone says it is MY day that i shouldn't have to work too hard, right? :)
so all in all, i think the wedding was one big happy accident. i just booked some people. gave them each other's numbers for them to work out details. told people what time i was going to be there to let them decide when they wanted to be there.

and it all worked out without a hitch. and this TOTALLY proves my theory that i am awesome. i don't need aunts and grandmas and moms and cousins, and neighbors, and make up artists to tell me how wonderful i am. i already know that i am a princess! a queen! a flowering bud in springtime!

i am, afterall, THE KRISTA!!!!!

Bridaled Tales: Shouldn't we rehearse this more?

2007-04-03T20:08:00.000-07:00

bri·dled [ brid'l'd ] - transitive verb exercise control or restraint: to show restraint in expressing a feeling or control in curbing something.

not that i intend on showing restraint in all details of the wedding and the "happily everafter". that isn't what i mean at all. what i mean is simply this: i am not overtly girly. (shocker, i know) so the part where i am getting married is estroginally anticlamactic. i restrained the cliche brideness. so much like a horse wears a bridle to restrain it from...whatever horses are supposed to be retrained from...i am BRIDALED in that i was pretty much...meh about the whole thing.

well...mostly.

or not at all. i just needed a catchy title and that is all i had. deal with it.

so. without further ado! i present to you
the Springstead (or stud. or steed. or "boss" for those of you really clever people that thought of such geeeeeenius nicknames. blah) Wedding AND HONEYMOON delite! weee:

The rehearsal:
Friday before the wedding on march 23rd was the rehearsal. Lish spent the night and we woke up fairly early to go to the pet shop and buy 19 fish. i had to exersize a LOT of willpower in order not to make a smart remark to people when they looked at us like we were monsters and asked why we needed so many fish.

my preferred answers?

"Sushi dinner at my house and this is cheaper than Central Market"
"We have an underground gambling facility and this weekend we didn't have any fighting dogs, so we are getting these bettas to host Fish Fights and bet on which fish will eat all the others"
"I am going to put them in my bird bath in the backyard to attract tropical birds"

which...really none of those jokes are funny. but it isn't anyone's business why i was buying that many japanese samauri fighting killer fish. well...that and i felt stupid saying "i am getting marrrrieeedddd. and these are going to be our centerpieces" because that is so ultra giddy and gross. and it is akward when some woman that is going through a divorce says to you "oh congratulations" with absolutely not one ounce of delight in her voice and it's so uncomfortable.

in fact. i haven't been much for announcing to strangers that it is a wedding that i have been buying a lot of stuff from. mom and i were flirting with the kinko's boys while printing the programs and they finally asked whose wedding we were making them for. when mom told them it was mine, they didn't believe her.

that says one of two things:

you couldn't POSSIBLY be a bride. you are so ew. like a dude would want to shack it up with you. ack!
i am good at not being in a total panic toward everyone i meet and i don't scream at people and make scenes about "MY WEDDING" and such.

for the sake of my own small amount of esteem, i will opt for #2. because it says "hey this girl has it together. she isn't stressed over a dumb $700 cake, or silly flowers. she is more interested in going home and playing nintendo and not acting like a stupid girl with waaaay too much hormonal issues for anyone to want to have to be in the same room with her. lucky dude who is marrying her"

maybe?

anyway. so. we bought the fish. immediately picked up her man, nick, from the airport. poor guy. it's his own fault that he was subjected to pre-marital female bliss. afterall, he DID say within the first 10 minutes of seeing us "i am at ya'lls mercy i will do what you tell me to".

being the kind thoughtful caring women we are, we automatically took him to the salon and forced him to wait while we had our nails done.
...which was equally as annoying when the word "Wedding" popped out. there is nothing like having 5 asian women with very thick accents squealing "OOOH WE MAKE BOOTIFEW! HUDBUN SO HOPPY YOU MWWY HAM! WE GIVE WEDDING SPESHEW!!!"

so i got the wedding special. whatever that is. (i think it is something along the lines of "we do the exact same thing we always do for you and then we take your friend to the back and massage her legs and arms and give her the full body treatment when you aren't looking and then charge you over $100 dollars for having some lady shave the bottoms of her feet while you sit there and listen to your manicurist exclaim how 'tewibull' your nails look")

basically that was it.. the preparations were over. when we got back to the house to take showers and get dressed, we had exactly 1 hour to be ready. i was ready in precisely 59 minutes. i walked out of my room with purse in hand and shouted "ok lets go!!!" to see lish standing in the bathroom with soaking wet hair and no makeup.

nice.

so. that mixed with traffic...we were 45 minutes late to the rehearsal. and walking in everyone started at me and i wanted to spit on someone because i HATE that sort of attention when i feel bad in the first place for wasting people's time....and it was just...akward. and the questions. ugh. you would think that the title "Bride" came with a built-in encyclopedia! people asking me things that there is no way i could possibly every know! i mean...i may have planned the wedding all by myself, but how in the heck am i supposed to know when the caterer is bringing the cake to the venue?!?! call them! ask them! and how am i supposed to know what the guitarist is playing! call him! ask him! and why would anyone think i would know what time to be at the museum before the wedding starts?!?! i just booked the place! i didn't write the bible on it!

jeez. you would think people thought i got married for a living. this WAS my first time. gosh! :)

so i got in a typical "krista mood" at this point. the one that lish says "oooh you have that look again". apparantly. my eyes get really big and i get really quiet and i clench my jaws and then i start turning green. and fangs form out of my mouth and i grow a forked tongue.

i got over it fairly quickly. made it throughout the night without any masacres or murders to add to my list....we checked into our ridiculously priced oversize hotel that c and i would stay at the next night after the wedding (and being the design snob from hell that i am, i think i may have been enamored with the hotel had it been...i dunno...1986. but is isn't. so i wasn't. it was just OK)

and just like a puppy when i get stressed, or mad, or hot, or hungry, or upset, or comfortable, or cold, or excited, or inquizitive, i sleep. so at 10 o'clock, i was dead to the world laying on my mom's lap on her sofa while she and dad entertained lish and her boyfriend as i snored.

wow. i am so fun it kills me....

to be continued.

thank god i am humble.

2007-02-21T07:39:00.000-08:00

i am going to write a book.
i have decided. this summer.
it will be about me. because afterall, god has blessed me with the gift of pride, so i should use it before he takes that gift away!

:)

but the details are top-secret. i don't want any of you snakes trying to jack my grand ideas.
but all i know is that i have a dream of being a total and complete narcissist and now is the time for that dream to come to fruition!!!!

blessings.
amen.

diet food, high fives, and fortunes.

2007-02-20T13:55:00.000-08:00

"what do you want for lunch today?"

"i want a fat steak" was my answer. what's so wrong with that? i have 31 days until i get to sit half naked in tahiti, and i want to look as protein-enriched as possibly.
[read: i am doing atkin's because that is a nice fast unhealthy and horrible way to drop 15 lbs FAST]

dad scrunched his face as though he completely disapproved of my choice. for the past 3 weeks i have wanted to get steak for lunch but he always wants stinkin el fenix.

"what's your beef with steak, dad? why do you hate it all of a sudden? i thought you were a MAYN. Aren't men supposed to love big chunks of flesh?"

"i am trying to lose weight" he says.

well, duh. that is my intent, too. just...he wants to do it the right way....you know...diet....exercise...
OVERRATED.

so considering dad not wanting steak, and my not wanting mexican food, and the ultimate goal of losing weight in our own little ways, we opt for the obvious:

Chinese Buffet.

although, that was a great choice for me because i have this will poewr thing that i found while on a church retreat last week...so i was able to get a small plate of various versions of grilled chicken and beef and broccoli...
dad was able to do his version of diet which included those little donuts things, egg drop soup, egg rolls, rice, different meats, some sort of orange stuff, and ice cream with two cookies and a banana covered in some sort of sauce....

so we are both happy. :)

the couple in the table next to us couldn't speak english and they had a little boy that was whining and crying the whole time apparantly wanting jello. but i can't tell because i didn't do so well in spanish in high school. all we did was color.

as the couple left, the little kid ran over to me and held up his hand for a high five, so i high fived him. then he held up his fist in a "sweet dude" fashion, so i bumped his fist and said "seweet dude" (that's what you are supposed to say when bumping fists you know) and then he ran off.
and that was it.

our entire conversation.

i was still laughing about it when the waiter brought out fortune cookies and i opened mine (didn't eat it) and read the fortune:

"universal communication is found in a smile"

but i disagree entirely. i didn't smile at that boy. he didn't smile at me, yet we had an entire conversation without words. so confuscious was wrong when he wrote my fortune,but i think he is a fraud. because where i come from, the universal language is found in a high five and "sweet dude".

I wanna go home

2007-02-13T21:34:00.000-08:00

For three weeks...or has it been more than that? I have been living out of a suitcase at my parent's house. I haven't even been able to decide which room I want, so all of my clothes are sort of....scattered across the entire upstairs.

And isn't that how a female that is OCD and a control freak should live? With socks in the study, panties on the pool table, coats in the bathroom floor, and wedding dresses scattered between 2.5 bedrooms?

In the past 2 months, I have called 4 bedrooms mine. That isn't normal. but the worst of it is that those 4 bedrooms have been inside of only 2 houses.

I keep my toothbrush in a laundry basket, jewelry in my purse, shoes in my car, and well...it's a crapshoot where everything else is. Currently i can't even find lotion, and i moved in here with like...18 bottles.

After mistaking a roach for dead and having it spring to life all over my barefoot this morning while i was trying to pick it up with tissue, i started to get the idea that maybe i was ready to kick christopher out of my house and go back home. Honestly. i shouldn't have to live in squalor. i am an educated top heavy female. i should have servants!

but nooooooo. he is the one that actually has ONE closet. ONE bed. ONE bathroom. (and a nice one at that) and i get...a daybed that is too short, and the ability to whine and bitch and moan for apporximately....49 more days.

wait.

i get to whine? this is an AWESOME deal! rock on with your bad self soon to be husband/roomate. sleep alone while you still can. i will hop from bed to bed to bed for the next month and a half and you can't stop me! MWUAHAHAHAHAHAH Yes, bedroom i am cheating on you!

roll over, empty shoe box and pile of coat hangers. those sheets have been cold far too long!
but man...this bed is uncomfortable.

bok-bok

2006-12-26T13:41:00.000-08:00

i was driving back to work after my lunch today and got stuck in traffic. dallas and the bloody highways..sheesh. if i wasn't properly medicated, i don't think i could take much more of the driving hazards in the metroplex...

luckily, the back-up wasn't really on my side of the highway, it was going the opposite direction, i was just stuck behind rubber-neckers. and...there were chickens...everywhere.
downtown dallas.

hi.

chickens.

seems a truck carrying live birds to the pilgrim's pride plant downtown jack-knifed and flipped over leaving the little guys scrambling all over the highway.

kinda funny, really.

what?

2006-12-07T20:08:00.000-08:00

i have noticed a trend.
to be a girl - to have these...emotions....
is to be
completely.
and.
totally.
nuerotic.

estrogen should NOT be served in pill form.
because seriously. this stuff is BAD on humans. or mans. or whatever.

i was watching LOST yesternight, and the doctor, Jack, was pissed because some chick that he loves is a convinct and she is in love with this conman who was dying because some unknown, unseen person shot him while he was floating on a raft in the middle of the south pacific and so she kissed him, but then ran away from him to go find some horse and so in his despair he went back to the beach where he saw the girl from the airport bar that used to be a cop, but was fired by her mother when she shot the guy who shot her while she was on duty and killed her baby and nobody likes her on the island anyway because she shot the commmunications officer from the republican guard who was dating the tori spelling-esque rich girl whose step mom wouldn't give her any of her dead father's money so she slept around for cash and then fell in love with him, but then she thought she saw the boy that was on the raft with the conman in the middle of the jungle and he was covered in slime...or water...or slobber...or some..thing...and so she went chasing after him with his dog and the iraqi trailing behind trying to save her from hurting herself like her brother was hurt when he got into his second plane crash for the month while trying to talk on the radio, but really he was only talking to the chick that was in the bar with jack in the first place, and she thought he was a bad guy so she turned the radio off and threw some other guy into a big hole and....well...she shot the now poor rich girl who was in love with the arab guy and that is when they took jack to her and jack was like "holy crap it's you" and everyone hated her but him, and i think he is going to fall in love with her now because the convict is in love with the conman and since he is a main character, it is only OBVIOUS that he has to be in love with someone, and the chinese lady is married, the shrink loves the crazy fat dewd, the black woman is married to the old white guy, and all that is left really is the ex-cop crazy ho murderer.

so the obvious thing for him to ask is..."are all women this crazy"

jerk.

yes.
and we have all seen that email that circulated on the internet a few years ago that said:

girls = time and money
time = money
money = the root of all evil
money = the square root of evil.
so if time = money. then money = money
so girls = the square root of evil x's 2
so girls = evil.

haha. laugh it up.

yes. i am crazy.
and...i don't feel well today.

2006-11-16T19:54:00.000-08:00

i was at walgreen's yesterday picking up some sort of oinment and bandage for the MASSIVE burn that i have on my arm from the time i tried to iron.

i am an advocate believer and practicing fanatic of the "fluff".
get that bloody iron away from me. give me a dryer and some electricity and 5-10 minutes and let the laws of gravity affect the wrinkles in my slacks.

anyway. a girlfriend of mine came to town a few weeks back. she was having a rough one, and i spotted her for the weekend. i tried to offer sanity to her...she drove me insane...and we sort of balanced each other out. while i tried on wedding dress no less. (ACK)

anyway. i checked the mail the other morning for the first time in several weeks. there was a little not in the box from her simply thanking me for the weekend. when in truth, i was a bit afraid the weekend was lame. we didn't do much except try on wedding dresses.
well....that....and then with the estrogen overload that we received from the bridal shop, she and i agreed upon a steak and a beer.

okay i totally forgot about that. it was awesome. we were SO SICK of seeing ruffles and bras and girls crying that almost as though we could read minds we both announced that what we wanted was a big football game, a fat beer, and a giant slab of meat on a plate with a dull knife and a crooked fork to eat it with.

so we went to some regular restaurant, set up shop at the bar. and ordered drafts.
i felt like such.a.dude. and i loved it. the waiter looked at us as if we were insane when we ordered. two hot chicks....full of testosterone. really?

hi. dream come true. how are you?

anyway. he was wearing a big patch on his shirt that proclaimed that he was a recipient of a purple heart. my first instinct was to see if he was missing a leg. he had all his limbs. he walked fine. teeth were good. didn't stutter. what in the world could be wrong.

and because i am overtly sensitive....i blurted out "so you have both legs. what's the patch for?"

before he could even ask us how we liked out cow cooked, he was sitting down at the table with us telling us his war story about getting hit by a grenade in Iraq.

..........

if this isn't the typical "man walks into the bar and talks to the bartender about the secret of life" then i don't know what is.....
but the evening was key to survival as a bride and maid of honor.

anyway. not that this even matters anymore. but. i was at walgreen's and i walked down the card aisle and thought "oh. i should get her a card to repay her sweet card giving" and i read one that reminded me of a recipe i once saw.
this recipe called for 2 eggs. but if you don't have 2 eggs, you could substitute 3 egg whites.

and i was amazed at how ignorant that was. but worse yet, when i read it. i didn't immediately catch on. i sat and thought to myself "well, why would you want egg whites only? the good part is the yolk!"

and it dawned on me that even when i was trying to be womanly and get a card for a girlfriend...
i still don't do the recipe, ironing, tea sipping, knitting thing that other girls do. give me a dryer, a rib, and a war story, and i am much better off.

i'm a leprechaun!!!!!

2006-08-08T19:17:00.000-07:00

seriously. either that or a four leaf clover. whichever it is, there is green involved. lots of it. so start envying, homeslice!

:)

let's look at this in the form of a list. lists are good. Ross Perot Sr. likes stuff like that, and he has more money than jesus. so i think i will follow in his steps like this:

got engaged.
next day he lands interview in dallas.
next month he moves to dallas with my best friend and secret boyfriend (opps)
i lose 20lbs.
i get my guitar rebuilt for free because taylor is awesome enough to carry the warranties over to the second buyer.
the venue for the wedding is CHEAP.
and available.
TAHITI! 6 NIGHTS. HI.
cousin moves in and pays rent so i can afford gas to get to work!
uh oh...bored with job. lets look for another on the clock while i am pretending to be productive!
bing bang bong interview.
another interview
another another interview.
lots of offers.
lots of even BETTER offers when i start turning them down.
Senior partner? 12k raise before i even start?
wait...what's this? commision on top? hmmmm.....what else can i get?
"what will it take to get you to work for us?"
run in a circle and scream "HALLELUHHHHH-JAMAICA!!!"?
...well...i tried. how about a 20k raise?

done. and done.

rub my belly. see what happens!

will work for shoes.

2006-07-27T07:09:00.000-07:00

The quest for a new job really leaves me feeling empty.
never have i been one to search for jobs or boyfriends.
i like letting them come to me.
so, somehow, i feel a bit...un-ladylike throwing myself out there like i am.

yes, i know. that is weird.

luckily, my search isn't DIRE. i still have my current job, and a few pennies a month to spare on food and gas. but, i can't afford to level with the staus-quo. and here in dallas, that is unacceptable.

:)

jk.

but really, i just want a change of pace. a new window to look out of that isn't overshadowing a hobo-lair. i have been on 2.5 interviews. (the .5 being one that was cancelled bc the position had been filled.) and i have another tomorrow. the interviews go really well. but then....silence.

it's like a first date.
they take me out. we have a great time. "i'll call you k!"
"YESSSSSS"

so i go to bed that night with stars in my eyes and giddy about the relationship that will bud. and what we will name our fish. and how i will dress for the next date...

and? nothing. no job offers. no secondary interviews. no drug tests, or urine analysis...just an occasional email to tell me i am not experienced enough...

do i even NEED to go into that analogy?!

::so proud of myself for that joke::

and since it was never in my blood to track down boys and make them take me out again because i WANT them to pursue ME....
i just sit by the phone and wait for the employers to realize how much they need me.

...and they DO!

[not]

shine down on me!

2006-07-18T19:02:00.000-07:00

dude..

i used a handy little tool, called "salary wizard", to decide how much i should ask for when i am FINALLY called for the phone interview...

(so far, interviewer is 2.5 hours late to the interview. does this mean it is OK if i am 2.5 hours late to work?)

luckily, the EXACT amount that i want just HAPPENS to be the median in the DFW area for my career level. isn't that nice? almost 14,000 dollars more a year. and i LIKE the way that sounds.

(according to salary wizsard, i was ROYALLY screwed for the past 18 months.)

i just don't even have the capacity to work there anymore.
i am so.sick.and.tired.of that place.
i need something new. and by new, i mean i need a lot of money so i can purchase a nice smart new car that doesn't perform like satan on sleeping pills.

maybe i should just quit tomorrow anyway even though i have yet to hear from the interviewer.
and then, even if i DON't get the job, i will still have a summer break to sit by the pool.

i wonder how much i can get paid doing that.
?

updates and promises

2006-07-17T20:44:00.000-07:00

when you get closer, i got nervous.
not in the sense that i am scared to have you near, but more that i am scared that you will change your mind.
or maybe that we wouldn't like each other anymore.
or maybe that we never really liked each other at all, but didn't know it.

either way, it was a bit like sitting on a heap of eggs waiting for each breath to be the one to start the cracking.

and each harsh word we say will bring us tumbling towards the epicenter of a giant earth shattering quake.
to break our little world.
that we had blue prints to create.

i still sit waiting. searching for the glue that will hold my eggs close to me.
::crack::
one row down, but as the tip of a pyramid, it was minor.
it's the strong foundation that i am worried about splitting.

and i think sometimes we will make it, but it would be a lot easier if you would help me from this heap of shells that am atop.

you have to choose me.
which entails choosing to help me.
which entails helping yourself some, too.
which entails me helping you.
which entails helping myself.

and we all live happily in our made up world, upon our nest eggs that we hold firm together with gushy, gooey love.

i am serious.

if i could make just one wish....

2006-05-17T12:54:00.000-07:00

i think my wish would include something along the lines of having never to deal with pouty attitudes when making mundane everyday decisions.
because really, once you include someone else's waxey behavior over something trivial, it really makes choices so OBSCENELY difficult.

and i am tired of always having to be punished for someone else's minor dilemas.

sure, i get depressed. i get down. we all do. but for the love, PLEASE just pick yourself up off of the ground and deal with life without me having to baby you first, mmmk?
a simple "yes" or "no" shouldn't be muddled with the complexities of personal issues that have abslutely nothing to do with me.

depression really gets on my last nerves these days. i guess because it seems that everyday is another rollercoaster ride, and honestly....this theme park is getting to be a bore.

i love you all.
:)

does ft. worth ever cross youuurrrr miiiiind?

2006-04-29T20:20:00.000-07:00

i just got back to my parent's house from a whilrlwind 12 hour to-and-fro wedding/eating/familying extravaganza.

my dad wasn't always this redneck, was he?
sunflower seeds spat in a dairy queen cup?
merle haggard songs about prison?
playing air mandolin?

come ON! why can't we play air guitar? why does it have to be a frikkin' sissy mandolin?

(i love my dad...::smiles fondly::)

the last time i ever drove further than fort worth, texas, i was 7 years olde. and the only thing i remember about that trip was building a snowman in the middle of my aunt's front yard in odessa, tx and a Garth Brooks concert.

i did NOT remember that smell.
i did NOT remember those tall white creepy windmills that make me think ufo's are lurking nearby.
and i did NOT remember that dry air.

however, i have now decided that the world DOES in fact, end on the other side of ft. worth. but, that dry air sure helps the hairdo. i look GREAT in the desert. it's such a shame i dislike nose bleeds so much that i have to live somewhere humid.

and with that in mind...how is it that it refuses to snow in dallas, but in the desert, desolate, wasteland of west texas, my only real memory (besides, of course, garth brooks swinging gallantly over his fanbase on ropes) is SNOW?!?!?!

in a desert.

at least now i have the fond memory of my dad's sunflower spitoon and merle haggard.

::blink::
::blink blink::

Fun with Hobos: IS Eight enough?

2006-04-24T15:44:00.000-07:00

I get into a lot of trouble with my fascination/obsession/interest in hobos. (does that mean that when i fill out a form and it asks for "hobbies" i can put "hobos"? "what are your favorite hobbies?" "HOBOS!!!!!!!!!" i like that. A LOT) I once posted a blog about a hobo that had set up shop in the taco bell drive thru and would panhandle when you drove up to him. and because of that post, i got SO.MUCH.GRIEF. for how heartless and spoiled i am. and how helpless and shamed he must have felt when i attacked him by asking HIM for five bucks. (which...i thought was clever)

it is, however, always fun when you see a hobo with a good "trick of the trade" like....the legless hobos. i always give them money. or the hobo that spent the money to have a plastic "homeless: please help" sign MADE for him at a printing shop to withstand the violence of wind and rain. GENIUS.

but today, friends, i can't help but laugh.

i was on my way back to work from spending 400 bucks on that stupid buick that i NO LONGER like. and i saw a sad sight: a deaf woman on the corner of haskell and live oak signing for food.

the other cars declined her pardons, and she started to walk away

i thought to myself "i wish i hadn't spend that dollar on this wonderful orange soda so that i could give it to her, but oh well" and as i finish the thought in my head (as i opened my sunkist) the car in front of my honked.

i looked up, to see the woman turn around from halfway down the block, the guy yell "hey lady" and see her run back to the corner to retrieve her gift.

the deaf lady.

heard the honk.

came and got the quarter.

half a block.

DEAF!.

HONK!!

??????

oh, brother....

dad, lunch, and hos

2006-04-20T13:42:00.000-07:00

i was having lunch with my dad today and had just finished griping at him for talking on the phone the entire time we are at lunch. his phone rings nonstop. MY phone doesnt even ring that much and i have all the friends. and the social life. and somesuch...

as i finished up my sentence about how i find it rude to talk on the phone in the presence of company it rang again.

dad stared at me.
i stared at dad.

and he couldn't stand it. as we stared, his hand crept over to the phone pressed the "talk" button and without taking his eyes off of me he says:
"hello. this arthur" (that's what he always says even when i call.)

it was my mom. she was calling to warn him not to talk to strangers on the street by the office. there was a hooker sting operation going on and the police winnebago had set up shop by their office. arresting men that solicited.

which...that is funny that cops spend hours a day and dollars doing that. and it is funny that my mom called my dad to tell him about it....

but....the part where you wonder if mom was really warning him as a joke just to be silly or really warning him as though his "helping out a ho" was a viable option.

::shivers::
this thought gives me double chins.

different emotions

2006-04-15T06:46:00.001-07:00

i am sitting here at c's desk in his apartment at 8:45am on saturday. he is meeting with a group from one of his business classes until probably noon.
it occurs to me that i haven't spoken the good news: he proposed to me last sunday. i, of course, said yes. then i bought him a belt. :)
i get a three thousand dollar diamond ring, and he gets a 42 dollar belt (that i got on sale) so far, i like how this is working out.
maybe next year i will get a 60,000 car and i can get him a vespa. :) and financially, i will always have the better end of the deal?

we haven't told his parents yet, which i find amazing that they don't know considering how small this town is. we were out last night at the coffee cup and i sang on stage with my rocks flashing, so i am sure that if they didn't know they were inlaws then, they know now! ;)

actually, c wanted to wait until i was here this weekend to let them in on the good news: K is never leaving their life! they are stuck with me!!!!! (::evil grin::)

it's been a crazy week. what with the engagement, and my telling everyone i ran across. it occurs to me that i am probably going to be a bridezilla. i do like things my way....but telling my personal trainer whom i JUST met the entire proposal story? maybe a scoche too much. maybe.

...NAH.

hehe...my olde boyfriend-thing called to congratulate, he is married and has a baby now so it wasn't a weird conversation....he laughed at how giddy i sounded. said he never expected to ever hear me act this girly. i could take offense to that, but...he never really knew me, so he wouldn't know that as SOON as you get to know me, i am a big ball of nerves, and i cry all the time, too.

c knows that though. that i cry all the time. and as MUCH as i try not to, it just reoccurs constantly. i think though, that i met my match when we were watching that cartoon movie "Robots" and he cried like a baby.

yes, i totally just sold my FIANCE (heheh) out over the internet. yes, i am bridezilla ;)

2006-03-14T19:03:00.000-08:00

there came this point. when i became so obsessed with bettering myself.
that i slammed myself against a proverbial wall because i continually let myself down.
"tomorrow is another day"
"make tomorrow better"
all those good things, but there came this point where...i think on it all too much.
and instead of doing the better. i sulk in the worse.

please. just look at my resume.
see that i need a change. and try as i might to change everything, nothing will
unless my placement changes.
i am tired of looking in the mirror and seeing ugly.
seeing dead weight at work.
seeing complacency.
seeing a dreamer that has yet to wake up.

what it boils down to is that i am tired of thinking about myself.
i want to turn my focus onto something more interesting.
the pretend narcissism has gotten olde and i am ready for new obsessions.

things i have learnt :)

2006-02-09T09:36:00.000-08:00

i am the only girl in america that knows nothing about pop culture. who in the world is terri hatcher? why is she famous? and what the hell is the deal with laguna beach? it glorifies the airholes that we all hated when we were younger because their beauty allowed them to succeed even though they are as dumb as a doorknob.

i wasn't popluar then. i am not popular now. i do. not. care about what some ho in the sunshine state is wearing to prom! why is all of america obsessed with this?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!

good lord.

i got a random email today from a person that i keep receiving random emails from: THE DREADED EX!. actually he isn't dreaded. he is a nice enough bloke. but...well...let's go over this, shall we?

you may or may not remember the akward run-in at the sushi restaurant's opening. after that, he found me on myspace. which is fine enough. i get to stalk him via the internet and act cooler than him along with my preaching brother and hot boyfriend. fair enough. then there was the random email about being parked behind me and Romance at a redlight and seeing us kiss in an area of town that neither of us frequent (which...is freaking funny i think.)

but then...today...
he asks me out on a date. well...of sorts.

"what would you think of you and c having dinner with me and the wife sometime?"

..........

wow. as the nice and proper girl i am not, i said

"wow...it's been almost 6 years and even though you are married and i am incredibly serious/practiacally engaged you are asking me out on a date. "

of course i am not a complete insenstive airhole, so i followed it up with a brief i am only teasing, that sounds like a lot of fun, i would love to get to know the wife yum. and then....

"without sounding inappropriate, i miss you kris"

!@!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!(*&)(*SCOISCJIU!!*(!*()*()(*)(&*^%^&$%^%*&)(*)(*)_()(
WWW&$%#@$@AC sudyiufy sudfysiudfy asdaskjhakjh

wow. (hey look! i made a link to something by randomly typing babble! see what it takes you to!!)

in all actuality, i think it would be a lot of fun, and i am all about it. of course, there is that slight problem where romance might be like "k, you dated this guy once. that is weird" without taking into account that i was 19 years old and it was only for like...2 months. i hope when i talk to him it won't be one of those things where he couldn't have fun with it and just play a rowdy cutthroat game of skibo with another couple and eat hamburgers like olde farts do...

we shall see.

(but i will wait for a few days to approach romance about this because i did just do the whole 'i feel gross when you talk to a girl you used to date-ish still') by definition i am a hipocrit. by absolution there are more circumstances in teh scenarios that deem me right (as usual) and him wrong.

oh. and i ahve also learned that your car will always run out of gas no matter how much gas you buy and how many tanks you have.
(i totally got off subject again)

well, crap....and other things

2006-01-17T18:31:00.000-08:00

i try too hard. and coming to that realization makes me want to lock myself in my closet and snuggle up to corner behind a bunch of clothes that i don't wear and hide...
seriously. (and i mean this non-depressing too)
when i say i try too hard, i mean i am too loud. i am too brash. i am too...well...krista...for anyone's good and so i want to lock myself up so i can give people a rest and get off of their nerves for a bit.

i fear i am right about the getting on nerves part. (and i am being serious here. please no jokes. this isn't the time for sarcasm.) and so i am going to hide. no amount of words said can make me not hide at this point. after the things that were said to me, even though i understand they were a direct result of a mood...and also even though i should know by now not to ask questions i don't want to know the answer to...no amount of "i didn't mean it that way" is going to fix the sting that the bite just gave me.

actions speak louder than words.

i am not looking for sympathy or any "oh baby"'s. i am not looking for anything. i am just stepping back and minding my business until my business becomes something else again, if it really ever way anything else...

besides...i have grown to seriously enjoy my own company in the past few days, and so i can stand some alone time with myself. to you know...bond or something.

in other news.....

today was a pretty sweet day. my ma wanted to get her haircut and she is a big fat chicken when it comes to hair cuts and finally i said "you know what mom?" (that's what i call her: mom) i said "it;s high time you go to a REAL hairstylist to get your mane tamed"

so i sent her to my girl....who...happens to be one of the top 10 most edgy hairdressers in AMerica. (check out Allure Feb 2006 addition on stands january 24th) and because my mom is scared to drive in downtown dallas (to be honest, i am too...but i fake tough and act like i know where i am going even though i get lost everytime i ever go anywhere) i drove her.

so during my lunch today i got to hang out with lenny kravitz's good friend, MY hairdresser, with my mom. :)

afterwards, i had to run some work related errands and since i was in the neighborhood, i made her tag along. one of my stops was by the sales center for the Palomar Condo that i am designing and for the first time, i got to see the model unit fully furnished and fully detailed in all its glory....ANNNNNND my mom got to see it too :)
so there was my first big "LOOK WHAT I DID TODAY MOM!!!" for her to put on her refrigerator and tell all of her friends about....

oh...and by the way...from the appearance of the model, i am VERY good at what i do.

::pats self on back::

2006-01-15T18:26:00.000-08:00

who knew that after so many years of living alone and loving every second of evenings by myself, that i would hate an empty house as much as i do now.

i had a spare weekend this weekend. and much like other weekend - when i am either at Mr. Romance's or he is here - i can't stand being alone. (curses on him for making me a nicer person. ugh) He was out of reach all weekend at a...i guess you would call it conference? maybe a retreat? maybe a...um...camp? eh, regardless of it's title he was at a place where he was sleeping in a bag with a bunch of other dudes and they are praying a lot. so whatever you want to term that...

i haven't spent one weekend alone in over 6 months. weird. huh? so i asked my mom to come spend the weekend with me. i THOUGHT things were rough for her on the homefront....and i was ANGRY about it...i misconstrewed situations, though, apprantly. and my attempt to rescue her from whatever i was trying to rescue her from...{shrugs} ended up being a lesson for me.

A. i don't like being alone.
B. i jump to conclusions. (took me awhile to conjure up this particular conclusion, as irony would have it)

all this talk about future plans that, in all honesty, are SOOOO far away from the NOW, i am starting to accidentally jump the gun in planning things a little too much. i don't know if i am scaring myself about all of this or scared that i am going to smother others. truth be told, i am scared that my casual mentioning of "forever" may come across as a little much.

i mean...he did bring it all up. he started this. and the argument could stand that just because he mentioned it once (or...like...45 times...AND took me to look at important jewelry) doesn't mean that i have to think about it constantly, but i really don't. i KNOW it isn't happening soon. i am OK with that. i am not one to rush into this thing, but there is still an essence of fun in always daydreaming.

hell, i never daydreamed about this kind of thing when i was a kid...why not do it now?

the point of all of this being that i don't want him thinking i am pushing for all of this as soon as it might sound. i am NOT trying to be the girl that emails pictures of rings to him to make him sweat thinking i am expecting this stuff sooner than later.

it's just impossible not to be dragged into a jewelry store with my mom when i made the mistake (for lack of a better word, don't fret ma!) of telling her that we looked at rings . and accidentally finding the EXACT ring that i want, and trying to scheme a brilliant plan to show Mr. Romance without him knowing that i have an agenda when i "happen" to take him into Lundstrom's (downstairs outside of Macy's) at Stonebriar mall in Frisco, TX and show him the ring with the round 2.5c diamond flanked by princess diamonds enclosed in a row of baggets (sp?) that is white gold and 3000 dollars off of MSRP that will be even CHEAPER if he bought it before Feb. 4th when all the stock will have to be taken in inventory and paid taxes on.

....i'm just sayin'....now is the time to buy it.

::cheese::

intervention.

2006-01-12T18:56:00.000-08:00

"I just really worry about him being happy – I mean the REAL happy that has nothing to do with accomplishing work stuff or making a name for yourself."

real happy isn't discovered one day when you get the pile of crap off of your desk.
real happy is not the feeling of the paycheck that comes in.
real happy isn't gaining extra accounts, more work, more employees, more stress.
real happy isn't providing for your family to the point where they are no longer a family but a burden in every shape and form
real happy isn't making them feel like they owe you something because your idea of affection comes in the form of a bank account.
real happy isn't credit scores.
real happy isn't the debt you aquire from buying out of your means.
real happy isn't the number of toys you have.
real happy isn't clinking of change and the waving of dollar bills.
real happy isn't coming home tired from two jobs going straight to sleep and waking up to do it all over again.
real happy isn't ignoring your family as a family but regarding them as subordinates.
real happy isn't life in the fast lane.

it is "hi honey, i am home".
it is the smell of a fire.
it's the warm glow of the flames on your company's countenance.
it is the heat of emotion.
it is a hug.
it's laughter.
it's taking a deep breathe and smelling clean air.
it is recieving cards in the mail.
it's getting off of work early to just be with someone.
it is romance.
it is friendship.
it is spending time together.
it is reading a good book and learning about life.
it is watching "america's funniest home videos" that is a 12 year old episode.
it is "how was your day"
it is "i am happy to see you"

it is "i love you."

.....so learn from your mistakes. slow down. realize the people around you have feelings and emotions and deserve respect and kindness you don't give. take the time to learn what they like. what they want. what they need. stop thinking of yourself and your stupid accomplishments. and just learn how to love, because honestly, i don't think you have that part figured out yet.

who knew?

2006-01-03T07:25:00.000-08:00

wow....
so this is it?
6 months of roller coaster, most of the time moving up...
and here we are shopping for important jewelry that i never even dreamed about owning even when i was a kid.

:)

this is good, kids....real good.

i'm gonna be a big star...

2005-11-29T18:17:00.000-08:00

it's been awhile since i have played for an audience.
friday night c forced me at gunpoint to leave my family's cutthroat game of "hell" to go to an open mic night at this coffee place that he frequents.
it's a pretty big deal in his small town.

pretty big deal = 7 people show up. 4 of which are in my party, 3 are his neighbors :)

small towns are funny places. you can't go anywhere without everyone knowing your business. anonymity isn't well known (huk-yuk). and sometimes it makes me nervous, what with my increasing decrease in self esteem, everyday i get a little more apprehensive about being in public. (and at this rate, i will become one of those home-bound OCD people with the next fortnight.)

regardless, to appease c, i climbed on stage. you know...if you have ever been on a stage, as i have been, (and not stripping, either...i know this is dallas but i never did get too closely involved with poles as 75% of the other females and 13% of males have) you will know the feeling of home that you get.
all of a sudden, i wan't uncomfortable anymore.

and as neurotic as it sounds, with everyone staring at me in complete silence, i felt comfortable. i guess one man's nightmare is another man's dream...

i played two songs and had two encores.

pretty damn good for the better half of an entire town to be that adamant about seeing a chick on stage. especially when they didn't get to see boobies.

i have been asked to come back and play a full set in January. (full set being 4 hours). i hope i get paid a bunch even if i am fully dressed when i perform.

:)

life after nothing

2005-11-27T17:20:00.000-08:00

c was going through his 5 year plan to me the other night.
after that, he went through his 15 year plan.
he seems to have his entire life planned to the 't'. and that is wonderful. that means he has goals, motivation. desire.

it made me feel stupid.
HE didn't.but the fact that i have nothing left to do makes me feel a little blank.

he asked me what my plans were. and i just sat there. wow. um...uh...
why haven't i put thought into this? i guess...up until now the plan was sort of there for me.

1. be involved in a team sport or dance class as a toddler
2. make straight A's in elem. school
3. live through middle school
4. get straight A's
5. get a stupid job to pay for the gas to get to and from school and said job
6. graduate
7. go to college
8. graduate
9. get a job
10. uh....now what?

die?
no.
live? well....sure...but...doing what?

and no one ever said "hey K, now it is time for you to do a big heap of cool things on your own."
and because i am happy. and i have the house. and the dog. and the wonderful relationship. and things are nice at my dead end job. it never really occured to me that i am a waste.

...until it finally occured to me that i am a waste.

but, as a good bullshitter would, i came up with a good appeasing answer for the time to get me through the conversation without letting the world (read: my world) know that i am a waste:

"well, i plan on getting married and being a mommy. and then 18 years later, i will start looking for things to bide my time, like yoga. pilates. a quilting bee..." (?)

and wow...
did i just say that outloud?
who said that? and how did they get in my mouth?!?!!?

so i have to have goals.
and i have to achieve them so that i don't continue being a waste.
so far, after much consideration and deliberation, this is what my list for my life looks like thus far:

1. get goals

and well...hopefully, that won't take 5 years.

2005-11-22T10:23:00.000-08:00

there is nothing i can do or say to help your situation.
i have tried.
i have run full-force, head-on in thousands of directions trying in desperation to help you tackle this.
each time, right before the hit, i stop and realize.
i have no idea.

there is not way i can fathom what you are feeling. i can empathize, but i have no idea. i won't lie and tell you that i understand. i don't. but i will tell you that i have cried for you daily since the eruption of the problem.

i tried to explain it to c, so he would understand that first night why i was so upset:
when this happens to a girl friend, your best friend...it happens to you, too.
he didn't get it.
i don't expect him to.
i dont expect you to.

i just...pray that in all of this, you are able to find peace. to find your light. to find your heart; the one that broke many times before.
and as trite as it sounds, i know that you can get through this, and in a few years it will be just another piece to go into the jigsaw puzzle that makes the complex You that you are.

you were never simple.
this is just another way to prove that.
and though neither of us can see the light at the end of your tunnel, it's still there...
it;s just...so far away that it looks like the burnt ember of a snuffed out flame.

you just gotta run closer to it to feel it's heat once more.
...i don't care if you hate running.

the difference between my God and your god.

2005-11-14T19:30:00.000-08:00

my God sits on his throne strong. proud. all-knowing. infinite. abundant. and powerful.
the god that you describe to me - the god of yours that you claim "i think that" to express your ideology of who your god is - sits indian style on a rug made of cheap wool crossing his fingers begging and pleading and hoping that you choose him.

i didn't choose God. i didn't get the memo fast enough so that when i die or rapture comes that i get to join his club and be thankful that i am smarter than those that don't chose my god. i don't spend eternity (or even the nanosecond in time that i am on earth) trying to convince other people through song and dance and religious ho-hum that he, she, and all their cousins should join my club, too.

that's just...a little self-indulgent to me.

to say that God waits for us to make a decision on his worthiness in our lives is heresy. what happened to the part where He is the Alpha? the Omega? the Beginning and the End? what happened to his worth being infinite? what about the part where he knew me before i was born?

if he knew me before i was born, wouldn't that also mean that he knows if i would "choose" him or not?
and if he knows i will or will not choose him, doesn't that mean that he just created me whether or not i will accept his gift of grace?

saying that we as humans have a free will is belittling and degrading the majesty of the God in heaven.
because i know that he isn't sitting there next to Jesus putting a winning bet on if i will be gracious enough to accept Him.

I am chosen.

God granted me grace.

the humility i feel for that gracious gift is the equal and opposite reaction to the magnitude of his worth.

that, my friends, is fact.

dallas: the world's largest small town.

2005-11-07T17:03:00.000-08:00

once upon a time, k was dating this guy, MC. MC's step grandmother is japanese and her brother owned a japanese restaurant that MC raved about. he always spoke about how cool his uncle was, and how he loved the family. even showed k the restaurant a few times in passing "look, the girl i am dating, but refuse to refer to as my "girlfriend" to anyone in public, there is SS's restaurant!!! i would take you sometime, but i don't really want anyone to know about you because i am totally self absorbed and they would love you because you are so sweet, and kind, and gentle, and gorgeous, and by the way...you smell a bit like jesus...and that would totally take the attention off of me"

K's relationship with MC didn't last long, because narcissists have a hard time dealing with people on a day to day basis that are completely in love with themselves. besides, how could she love someone that had such bad taste in people? (people in this case being MC, not K)

four years later, K has become successful (its a facad.) and works for one of dallas' own top 25 designer's of 2006 (even though 2006 hasn't even begun!!!). she has C the man of her dreams. a family that is wonderful. a beautiful home. a bank account that is thriving (i would say that having 10-15 bucks at all time is pretty thrive...eh...ful...would not you?)

it is a big night for those that work in her firm. their latest design a sushi restaurant is having it's opening party. invitation only. 400 people invited. sushi, sake, asian beers, all provided. cocktails and mingling: a night of schmooze and booze!!

one thing is odd though.

MC's uncle + the owner of the swank sushi restaurant = same man.

4 years after a nasty breakup and rarely a word spoken, and here we meet again.

which, wouldn't be so bad, say, if....i wasn't standing in the restaurant holding my boss' 4 month old when MC approaches me and says "my gawd, K! how have you been?!?! is she YOURS!!" with a horrid, ghastly, appalled, and ashamed look written all over his face.

::insert my baby-slobbered all over face and neck stuttering and stammering to explain why i am holding an infant::

but. there is joy in this...after all the akward-mumbling and the blank 'so what are you up to's:

his mom called my mom today to tell my mother how gorgeous i am now :)
he was able to see how great i am doing with my career with a top designer. (who really is incredible as a person AND with his work. i have said that since i was conned into attending a lecture of his when i was 18 for extra credit). :)
he got to see what a gorgeous man and wonderful person i am with. who is BY FAR a better catch than he. (take that!)
and when i was introduced to his wife, i wasn't given ample time to wipe off baby slobber from my hands when i shook hers. :)

i know i know.

im a jerk.

:)

...but i win!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SEX SYMBOL!!!!!!

2005-11-04T04:31:00.000-08:00

today is the day of birth of i, too, have feelings! and i am a proud parent of a one year olde!!! it's been delightfully enriching (and sometimes thrilling) to lend my innerworkings to the interpublic eye. soon, we can see what the "terrible twos" will bring!!!!!

...oh, wait. that might not be as good for me as it is the blog. uh-oh.

!!!!

2005-11-02T20:33:00.000-08:00

dos mas dias!!

?

chosen profession.

2005-11-02T20:28:00.000-08:00

this is why i am a designer...

after a crazy accident with my alarm clock being hurled across the room one morning, my dial is now set to...i know...i know...KVIL. but, in my defense, they play Michael Buble's "Home" almost every day at 5 and the is by far the BEST way to wake up, because that man's voice....

let's just say i publicly announce that i have a MAD CRUSH on his vocal chords....and stuff. (not that i dig his music or anything...but...i do)

anyway...now that i just commited social suicide and you will all probably crucify me, i will get on to the story.

so this morning they had a little quiz that has all but BAMBOOZLED me. maybe you can help:

let say you and i go to lunch with a friend. the bill is 30 bucks so we all throw in 10. the manager gives us a discount becuase i am so beautiful and he has a crush on me making the bill 25 and almost impossible to split 3 ways, unless you are that guy that can do ridiculous math in your heaad (but i wouldn't go to lunch with that guy) so the waiter says to manager "if i give 5 bucks back, how do i split that 3 ways?" the manager says "you know...you are right. let's keep two and give them all back 1 buck each"

so the bill was 30 we all pay 10 get 1 buck back. so what have we paid now? 9 dollars.

9 x 3 = 27
27 + the managers 2 bucks = 29.

where is the last dollar?!?!?!

AHHHHHHH

i just went cross-eyed.

Fun with Hobos Fo': Scare em' to Death

2005-11-02T20:22:00.000-08:00

[this post isn't so much about hobos except one was standing on the corner as the events about to be told took place. but...then again...one is always standing on the corner of Swiss and Haskell so that is close enough]

"could the janitor please bring the master key to the principal's office?"

i had a stupid algebra teacher in high school (ms. archer) she had beans for brains. she was the moron that told all of us students what that phrase over the intercom at school was for.

a bomb.

or bomb threat. back when i was in high school bomb threats were as normal as having a coach date one of the cheerleaders. (read: everyday)

no one gives those bomb announcements in real life.
not to the girl walking down swiss ave at 11:54 this afternoon.
not to the hobo that was casually freaking everyone out on the corner.
not to the people that parked their cars right where the bomb would bust.
not to you.

and, not to me.

today. there was a bomb in the front yard of my office.

i was casually pretending to work minding my own business, carefully counting the minutes until i could go home when it happened.

the loudest BOOM! i have ever heard
sparks
screams
car alarms
loss of electricity.
then silence.
i looked out the window to see a girl laying on the ground.

panic.

then we all realized it was just the transformer that is in the front yard that blew.
gawd that was scary.

but i got to leave early!!!
(even though i leave at noon anyway..i got to leave at 11:42. and that 18 minutes is HUGE in my world.)

looking back...

2005-10-28T04:25:00.000-07:00

my ex, A called me the other day out of the blue.
he calls every once in awhile just to see how my family is and how i am.
he always told me when we were together that there was no way in the world he would ever keep in contact with an ex. the reason that came up was because my exes still call me all the time. i never have had a bad break up, so my exes are still friends. some i would go so far as to say are still very dear to me. A included.

anyway for the longest time he would call and would withhold vital information from me. i would have to ask the right questions to get the right answers. for example: last phone call i asked how he and his girl were. they had been married for over 6 months and i never knew! i don't know why he didn't tell me, i mean..he deserves happiness and i am thrilled that he found it!

he told me that it was sort of a secret. they had gotten married by a judge so that she could get her green card.

me: "um..has she gotten it yet?"
A: "it just came in yesterday"
me: "OH NO! HAVE YOU BEEN HOME YET TODAY? HAVE YOU HEARD FROM HER? GO CHECK THE CLOSET MAKE SURE HER CLOTHES ARE STILL THERE!!!!!"
A: "I KNOW! I AM WAS SO NERVOUS, I BIT MY NAILS DOWN TO THE QUICK!! "

i loved it! so typical of me and A. eh... that was a tangent....

they are pregnant! having a baby! little girl! and it is so wonderful to hear that about him. because that is all he ever wanted, you know?

after all of that talk he asked how i was and i got to boast to him for once. i was tired of not boasting. i was tired of also not telling the good information.
so i unleashed it. told him about c and how great things are between us.

it's funny how we have gotten to a place where we can just be pals and nothing hurts anymore. i like that. and i stand firm in my belief that he is one of the best people i have ever met.

:)

vent - a - hood

2005-10-27T20:27:00.000-07:00

boss is sick. i feel bad for her. but mostly, i feel bad for me.
when she is out, i am the go-to person. which would be fine, cause i take care o' biddness...unless i have no idea what is going on.

and that is the case 99% of the time here. i have no idea what is going on. and if i try to figure out what is going on, i end up getting on my boss' nerves. so, i stay in the dark, she stays doing everything. what's it to me?

until she is out sick.
then everyone gets mad at me.
but mostly, they get mad at me because she isn't here. like...it's my fault?
sure, i don't know what is goign on..but if you sort of give me a debriefing, i'll surely get the point and be able to accomodate, right?

BLAH!

so i spent most of yesterday running around town for this lady at the realtor's office trying to pull a pricing package together for a potential contractor to bid. (i might as well type this in wingdings...)
but i got the stuff out to her, after being yelled at by her. presumably, people have a notion that since i am not the nrmal person they talk to, that if they are hateful, i'll understand thei magnitude of their request and i will put them at the top of my list.

but really...all it does is stress me out.
i don't like anger.
ask nicely and i will work harder to get it done faster. it's just the way i roll....

and of course when i am trying to run errands for people in this area it is always going to take longer because i get lost every.single.time. i drive out here. i can't help it. only assholes know how to drive around uptown without getting lost. assholes in their stupid 234,2342, 346346 dollar cars.

but i got it to her and everyone was happy. right?

wrong.

she called yesterday afternoon burning a torch about some other issue that i didn't know about and i didn't get the message. so when i walked in the morning, my boss started yelling at me about wher ei was yesterday.

so...i get nervous. cause he is PISSED. and accusational. and i stammer and stutter out where i was. and that looks like i am lying. and so...that sucks.

so in all that work to get her crap to her and keep her happy, she was still angry. and i got chewed for it.

DAMMIT I HATE BEING AN ADULT!

and if this client (who happens to own two lamborghinis) doesn't stop bothering me about vent-hoods and plumbing fixtures that he won't buy because they are too expensive...(he owns two lamborghinis...why can't he afford a 6000 dollar faucet? ugh) i will throw someone out the window.

...probably chinatown.

::the end::

i am starting to remember

2005-10-20T19:57:00.000-07:00

why i hated television so much.
i can't afford cable. well, i can, i just...don't want to. i have a religious conviction against paying 80 bucks a month to watch three television shows re-run fourteen times a week. i have a problem with paying 80 bucks for 500 channels i never touched, and really...i didnt watch t.v. that much anyway.

i remember why.

a friend of mine has gotten me obsessed with the show nip/tuck (on dvd) at first it was great. i was addicted to the beauty of it all. but now that i finished the first season and i have moved onto the second...everything is so...sleazy. dramatic. sad.

and each time the show goes off, i imediately feel depressed.
it occurs to me right now since i just finished one episode that i don't really know what i am depressed about.
and i still can't figure it out.

it's just...those stupid t.v. shows end and i come back to reality and i realize i am sitting at home.
which...isn't a big deal on a thursday i guess.

i think i am getting social anxiety disorder.
:)

actually not really, i just...don't like going out a lot. i find myself making excuses and turning down offers to hang out because, well...there is the whole money issue.

what i don't understand is how for two years, i made signigicantly less than i do now, and never had a problem with money. and i shopped all the time. and partied all the time.
and now, i make a lot more money.

and i have to tell people when they ask me out for dinner that i can only afford wendy's.

and wendy's food is good.
but the atmosphere is...wendy's.

so i would rather just stay home.
and watch a show that pisses me off.
and get depressed for absolutely no reason.

::shrugs::
not that i am THAT depressed...
i just...want 500 dollars.
is that too much to ask?
i didn't think so.

when she asked

2005-10-19T20:26:00.000-07:00

"what is is like to love someone that loves you the same way you love them?"

i said:
it feels like...
when you make an A on a chemistry test that you studied hard for an never thought you would pass, and you can't wait to get home and tell you mom who will tell your dad who then calls you to let you know that he is proud of you. and have your brother jealous because he coulnd't pass that same test the year before even though he is the smarter kid. and it feels like when you realize you made the highest grade in the class and everyone else made low b's and you want to show off but you know that everyone will figure it out that you got something better at graduation when you are giving your valedictorian speach that includes a story about chemistry class and how you passed that test through blood sweat and tears.
all of the people that love you are thrilled and happy and excited
and all the people that you don't like are raging with envy and don't say a word while people throw a parade for you and you get to wear that little ribbon that says you are valedictorian.

.

that.

i meant every word.
i don't care if it disgusts anyone.
dammit.

you

2005-10-18T20:26:00.000-07:00

you make me happy.
the beyond belief kind of happy.
the kind that when i think about you, i forget the traffic that i am standing in.
the kind that when i hear your voice i can take deeper breaths.
the kind that makes me want to tell everyone where and how to get it.
but
they can't have it.
because the happiness you share with me is only yours to give.
and you give it all to me.

you are my friend...but...

2005-10-18T19:42:00.000-07:00

lay off for a bit, okay?
you burn a different torch every day for a different person.
a different stranger.
on how they should act. react. be. in order to make you happy.
not everyone in the world is against you.
the only one against you is yourself.

we are all a bunch of screw ups down here, you realize that?
no one has it figured out. no one can possibly be perfect.
but the constant remains that we can still love each other in spite of the differences. the misunderstandings. the pains. the betrayals. the let downs.
because there is a knowing that everyone tries their best. and everyone screws up.

you included.

but every day, all i get from you is static on how this person is this way and that person is that almost as though each new hurt is taken AT you.
no one intentionally hurt you.
no one intentionally screwed up.

and furthermore. no one elected you the judicial review for society perfection.
if there were even such a role, i am almost positive with your background and your mindset.
that no one would elect you if they had to.

let go of the anger.
no one can love you until you learn how to love.

and thanks for testing my patience enough to get under my skin when i am upset about something stupid in the first place to make me do the very same thing to you that i am sick of hearing you do to everyone else.

guess that is one more fault you can find in me when you want to complain to someone else:

i am a hipocrit.

so? God still loves me.
i don't need yours.

hmmmm

2005-10-17T18:56:00.000-07:00

you know. i hate to put everyone through this, but...crap.
i can't think of anything to write anymore.
anything that is, except for all the gooey mushy junk about C.

i have loved him. but this weekend i fell IN love with him.
and by love i mean "LOOOOOOOOOOOOVE".
isn't that annoying?

soory kids. it had to happen sooner or later. i have feelings. it's just...that...the more interesting feelings are when i am pissed or sad.
this is just...happiness. NAY! bliss.

i mean so much so that i would even go so far as to cook breakfast at 6 in the morning for a man. i would even camp out in the backyard for him. i even go to restaurants that i hate so that he can have the potato he was craving.
and did i mention the trips to home depot? you want me to go there? cause i will.
hows about standing in the pesticide aisle in heels while we talk about future plans and kiss?
cause that happened. gross huh?

yea i love it.
you do too.

i'm all in love and things.

working....ugh....8-6

2005-10-13T04:29:00.000-07:00

i really don't want to go to work today.
::sigh::
not even one year into the working world of career girl-ism and i am trying to find out how i can retire...

:(

:)

Fun with Hobos: I lost count....

2005-10-12T20:25:00.000-07:00

A man was walking down the street when he
was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby
looking homeless man who asked him for a
couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars
and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy
beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless
man replied.

"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?"
the man asked.

"No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said.
"I need everything I can get just to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf
course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man.
"I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the
red light district instead of food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?"
exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you
the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home
for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your
wife be furious with you for doing that? I know
I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for
her to see what a man looks like after he has given
up beer, gambling, golf, and sex."

"why GAWD whyyyyyyyy"

2005-10-12T14:28:00.000-07:00

remember the olde days? back when soap operas ruled nighttime television? like Dynasty. and Dallas...and those other's but i forget their names.
what i loved to hate and hate to love about those shows is the magnitude at which drama was portrayed.
if people had the ability to wiggly their eyes like japanimation people do...
i am sure that J.R. would have perfected that talent as well as the others.

i always wanted to be at dinner with someone with a martini in hand and a bunch of sequins on my shoulder padded blouse and get angry enough to slosh my comso in the face of some deserving man that had broken my heart then grabbing my huge purse and storming out with a "HUFF" as i throw my glittery scarf over my shoulder.

but dammit all if he didn't beat me to it last night.

i just wish there was a camera on the front door so i could see him grab his chest and wail as he stood in the parking lot crying as he realized i got to drink the rest of his beer.

hey, thanks. :)

2005-10-08T19:25:00.000-07:00

i have been feeling incredibly nostalgic lately.
it's not depression.
it's not even really sadness.
it's just....the lonliness for things of the past.
i am not much for change.
i don't really like it to say the least.
i welcome the weather.
but something about october...just...makes me cold.
all in all i feel pleasant.
my house is clean.
i have all the candles lit. it's calm and holistic enough, i suppose.
but...i feel like i am missing something.
i miss you.
i miss things.
i miss certain smells.
and i keep having this keen reminder of every sordid detail that happened last year.
and the year before.
and the year before.
october is my favorite time of year.
and what is silly is.
after the things that i have this year fade away, next october i will be feeling a bit of loss for what i am not even paying attention to now.
that's pretty sad.

woah

2005-10-06T20:23:00.000-07:00

what is the world coming to when the city with the largest market for radio stations since New York* is playing New Kids on the Block!?

Granted...i will proudly say that even after all the taboo affinity for fan-fare and fan-ware has dwindled to a society that has grown up to loathe Danny, Donnie, Jordan, Joe and that other guy..."The Right Stuff" is still a pretty good song.

...course i would ne'er admit that publicly.

*statistically speaking. and we all know statistics are 76% false

...still

2005-10-06T18:30:00.000-07:00

there's a reality that everyone has to face. the reality of imperfection.
but the most critical part about that reality is the discernment to not attack other's imperfections as though you were a clean slate. it's just how it is.

mr. romance attacked mine.

i love him. hi. yes. this is k. she is in love. the girl that scoffs at sweet nothings. this is the first time. charge 5 bucks to come look at me. i am 24 and just now in love. oddities.
but i swear if i had the choice of who i would love, this sure wouldn't be it. i feel like i have to teach him so many things. almost as if he is a little boy always in trouble...but, he is trainable so that works out nicely. aw..my sweet boyish Mr. Romance.

you know. the only other serious relationship i have ever been in was with a and he was like....50 years older than me. so i had no teaching to do. we just....were.
now...i am the babysitter you get to kiss sometimes :) you being Mr. Romance.

::end of tangent 8745387264::

so i have known that everyone has their "one thing" that is what keeps them awake at night. that if they could change that "one thing" in their life things would be better. each person's "one thing" is different in subject matter, and frankly, i think, on a worldly scale, each one varies. i mean...your one thing could be FAR worse than mine....but as you are a stronger person in character, or soul, or muscle fabrication, or bone structure, you can handle your "one thing" and mine could be mere beans to you...

saavy?

what i mean is simply that although on this worldy scale, "one things" vary in magnitude, on a subjective level, they are all the same.

and other's should be sensitive enough to not stab at that. don't take that blow. don't shove my face in it...
that's fighting dirty.

and we haven't done that since kindergarden.

and so...i will be honest when i say that although he didn't mean what he said, i am having a reallly hard time getting over it, you know? it's not like i am mad, or upset...but...it sort of sits there on the edge of my brain constantly kicking its' legs into the side of my skull. and with each hit, comes a reminder.

and it kind of hurts.

singing in the rain.

2005-10-04T20:22:00.000-07:00

yesterday driving home, i had the windows open. mainly to save gas because i was trying to make it the 26 mile/one hour drive home with the gas empty light on. (i hate pumping gas. that is what Mr. Romance is for. i don't want any part of it) and the weather lately has been perfect for letting the air blow through my hair as i sit on the highway. nothing feels more fresh and alive as a nice whiff of pure exhaust from diesels mixed in the the city smog. AHHHHH....

carefree. happy. refreshed....and then...the back window wouldn't close when i got home. (yes. i made the 26 miles!) it would roll down, but not up..and i HATE when that happens.

and although it should be noted that i was less upset about the window motor breaking this time than i was the last time it happened (that is probably because i don't live in a ghetto Denton apt. and didn't have to put the Holy Bible in the front seat hoping it would convict [kun-vikt] a would be convict [kahn-vikt] from stealing something...i don't know...my floor mats?). the urgency of the situation was slight until i found out that it is supposed to storm tomorrow and be freezing out thursday and friday.

i am in my car 3 hours a day. i don't want to turn into a krista shaped igloo. is that so much to ask that i be comfortable?!?!

i called my dad today after getting a few quotes on what the part and labor would cost. everywhere i called it would be around 350. (which i find to be ridiculous) and i would obviously need his help on this one as i am po' folk. he basically told me no.

ouch.

so i paniced (pan-iced??!? panicked?) as any girl in my position would do, right?

"crap! what happens when it storms tomorrow?!?! what about when it freezes over on saturday!".

we worked it out where he would buy the part and try to fix it himself and in the meantime, i should meet up with him for lunch to try to push the window closed so it wouldn't get stolen while i was working in, as you are all fully aware, in the ghetto.

i met up with dad. we crank the car try to roll it up with the little button. nothing. try to maneuver it from the door's buttons in the backseat. here, it won't even...go...down...

ooooh....the child protective lock....

why do i always forget the little details? i am a smart girl, i promise. i know big words. i have a crush on syntax. i can figure out computers fairly well for a chick that doesn't care about computers. i can change breaks, spark plugs, and even oil and filter...

but...i can't roll a window up with the child locks on...

::blink
::blink blink::

2005-09-30T14:02:00.000-07:00

if i closed these doors in your face.
i fully expect you to break in
but you just stand in your disgrace
if you'd put up a fight you'd win.
you turn around and walk away
with that look of disbelief
i see that you'll have it my way
is that anger for you or me?

i'll keep my memories of you in a guitar case
in a microphone
they're written all over this place.
you could take away all you want
but you can't have you...
until you steal my heart

and you could walk away
a thousand times
leave me with these pieces you left behind
your broken heart i will intertwine
to create memories of you.
to always be mine.

absolutely nothing.

2005-09-29T20:21:00.000-07:00

i have done absolutely nothing at work today. i guess it is one of those days when i really don' t care if i have a career or not. probably started when i left my house 15 minutes before i was supposed to be here - 60 minute commute - and it only got a little more fervent when i stopped by mcdonald's to get breakfast. by the which, i got for free because i am hot. [read: their credit card machine was broken and i didn't have cash...whichever]

so when i finally got here, i was an hour and a half late because i chose the scenic route down lower greenville ave.

it's winter today folks. i know i know..i am still wearing flip flops, but...it's winter nonetheless. i am fiesty today. i want to go out. i want to party. i want to mingle. and dance. and laugh. i haven't gone out in over a month. this is starting to kill me. for the first time ever in my entire life i am actually craving alcohol. not because i am an alcoholic (anymore) but moreso because i am BORED.

and that is why i have been so snippy lately. not that i have been snippy to anyone in particular (christopher) but i am starting to think who cares about the having absolutely no money thing. and the whole 35 dollars each transaction i overdraft thing.

bla bla bla

i just want to have some fun.

okay that was a massive tangent. sorry.

so i finally got to work an hour and a half late to which i said to my boss "well, i decided i might as well come to work today....and at least pretend to care"

and really. that was the most energy i have put forth all day long. besides the interior design skillz i had to conjure up to convince my momma that her new dining table really does look good in her house. (that took a lot of effort, too. i had to use words like "harmoniously" and "spacial weight" and "flowing")

i love days like today.

tangent #8754687: a friend just called me and wanted me to confirm via speaker phone a certain size of a certain part. uh...like im supposed to know?!?!?! so i told him i would. he puts me on speakerphone for all the firemen in the middle of the fire department where he works and i say "what he says are all lies!!! lies and deceit!!!!!" how's that for male ego bashing? ZING

oh gawd...it stinks!

2005-09-27T20:20:00.000-07:00

you know how certain ethnic people smell STRONGLY of spicy food? when i say strongly, i mean disgustingly...like...the feet of a hippo, bad.

do you think that when i go to india or china or some other really foreign nation that i smell strongly to them? (even though to people here in america i smell like a delicious perfume that you can't buy in stores but only direct from the maker here in lakewood...?)

because...now i am not so sure i want to be a world traveler if im gonna make locals in Beijing gag.

take two

2005-09-25T20:20:00.000-07:00

i keep my memories in a guitar case
..in a microphone
they're written down on this page.
and i can take you anywhere i want.
as long as i have you.
in my heart.

2005-09-23T14:35:00.000-07:00

i cried today.
when my boss teased me lightheartedly like he always does.
i cried when i was at office max looking for bubble wrap.
i cried when i got in the car and the music came on.
i cried when lish called
i cried when she and i got off the phone
i cried driving down the street and seeing you walking with me
i cried when i turned the corner to my house to see that your car wasn't there like i daydreamed it would be.
i cried when you weren't waiting for me in the livingroom.
i cried at blockbuster when i saw movies we planned on watching.
i cried when i saw your book laying on my end table.
i cried when i tried to eat.
i cried when i tried to sleep.
when there was no email from you
no messages.
when i couldn't find you.

i am crying now.

i don't know what to do about all of it.
i thought i made the right decision.
but all of my memories that i hadn't yet made with you are killing me.
can i ever look at you the same? i don't know.
i dont know
I DONT KNOW.
I HAVE NO ANSWERS
BUT IT ISN'T SUPPOSED TO FEEL LIKE THIS WHEN YOU DO THE RIGHT THING.
IS IT?

soft and kind when i was crying.

2005-09-22T20:19:00.000-07:00

i had lunch with my dad today.
he is pretty much the smartest man i know. (i still know more about everything than he does, but, i'm not a man, and so...it all makes sense)
funny how by not telling him anything that is going on in my life that i need help with, he can see it in my eyes. not unleashing my frustrations he can sense my hurt. and by not telling him about my anger he knows i am off kilter.
and just by him asking one slight question and my avoiding answering it like the plague...

he solves all of my problems.

2005-09-21T21:28:00.000-07:00

let's see how many other things i can manage to ruin.
come on...try me.
i mean, really. even my dog is mad at me right now.

and what did i do?
i was happy when they weren't.
i wasn't in love when they were.
i was sober when they weren't.
i wasn't bitter when they were.

so my views are oppposing...i don't get mad at you for viewing me/life differently. but i get hung on a cross and left for dead so you can add one more person to the roster of who did you dirty.

did you not listen to a word that was said?
to the part where everyone screws up?
to the part where it is a matter of being mature enough to forgive?

and lets talk about how i screwed up, shall we?
i met you when i had a boyfriend. and you have false impressions of me. and think i hang the moon everynight.
and i am the bad guy because you can't have me like you want me.

consider yourself lucky.
ask the people that don't like me.
...THE PEOPLE THAT SAY I PUT A BAD TASTE IN THEIR MOUTH...

i am SORRY that i don't love you... in that sense.
i love you as a PERSON, which i think is a hell of a lot better.
boyfriends suck.
i make secret blogs to gripe about boyfriends.
i gripe about you here so you can read it. and know that i think of you when you aren't around. and that i love you.
and that i dont' hate you.
i hate boyfriends.
it's just...
you came too late. or i showed up for you too early.
one of them.
it could have been different.
but the reality of it is that it isn't different.

i cant help that.

but what i can say is that no matter the circumstance, in someone's eyes i will be the robber.
i either rob the store, or the freedom.
...i should have just stayed home.

cement, sand, water, and pride.

2005-09-18T20:04:00.000-07:00

did you know that concrete never stops hardening? it's one of the things you learn in my profession. when foundation is poured, and is good firm foundation, it will always continue to cure making each year stronger.

when the foundation is new, small nicks and pings and minor cracks happen as the world adjusts to it's presence. but after awhile, you have to make sure the slight cracks are just from ground shift and not from earthquakes.

saavy?

so you can stay where you are. in that questionable foundation, or you can pack it up and move on to something that is possibly more solid (for the time being)...but you can never be too sure...

so it's either pay the price to fix the cement you are on...or gamble and lose everything.

i think i will pay the price.

missed the mark

2005-09-16T15:37:00.000-07:00

i got glasses this week.
i thought they were cute
then i took pictures of them, and i look like a 14 yr old aimlessy attempting to look like a librarian.

...that cant be good.

misconstrewed reflections.

2005-09-12T19:22:00.000-07:00

i was just talking to a guy friend of mine. he is looking for a "jealousy date" for some upcoming party that his ex and her new boy are going to be at.
at first thought, this was funny to me. and i thought it might be fun to pretend to be some floozy he is bagging just for the festivity of it.

but, he is looking for perfection to take to the party.

he's doin' it hardcore. i mean, it's one thing to want to have someone with you so that you don't look lonely or pathetic or somesuch. but to be looking for perfection to stab the ex in the soft spot...just, doesn't seem as celebratory anymore.

especially when he pulled the weight card.

i'm no hot bod. i'll admit it, i have a nice face. i carry the weight in the midsection and that is pretty much it. so when he says "the object is to find skinny" to take to the party because his ex is on the dumpy side, it made me feel so...awful about myself.

i know he wasn't talking about me. i understand it. but when i saw her pictures, i thought she was gorgeous. and he was calling her fat.
so i wondered...what do they call me when they want to make me jealous?

i pretty much stopped the conversation there. it didn't feel good to participate anymore. i told him "this conversation makes me want to go run" and i let him go.
but the truth is, as i went into my closet to put on sneakers and go for a run, i realized what a waste running is at this point.

i can run all night long, and when i come home, i am still going to be less than desireable to many people. and that is fine i can't be everyone's cake.
but i am less than desireable to myself.
and that hits home, you know?

addendum...

2005-09-11T22:15:00.000-07:00

who knew after all these years of my emotional retardation.
and then the recent explosion of estrogen i have encountered in the past two years,

that i would end up dating a man that is just as emotionally irrational as i am.

::sigh:: (of relief that is)

Real Life Dialogue

2005-09-11T20:18:00.000-07:00

the other day, i was with my mom at the Dallas Home and Garden show. [i understand that this knocks down my cool points, somewhat, but guess what! i had fun! so boom! knock me down more!!! i am still cooler than your cat]

as were were aboot to leave, the last display was Amish Furniture. my mom hearts mission style/Frank Lloyd Wright/ a slice of Americana, so she HAD to stop and look.

they guy working the exhibit was Amish. Ne'er have i met an amish person before. holy clap! [spoken in east indian accent] he was so.....so......nice.

and nice isnt even the word for it. it was more like peace. the man exuded peace like i have never seen before. it really impacted me.

as we were walking away, i said to mom "if that guy is amish, and all amish people are that....nice....i want to be amish."

mom: "kris, they don't allow sarcasm in amish communities..."
me: "well...shit."
mom: "i really don't think you would fit in, kris."

::shrugs::

reason #598098472

2005-09-11T17:47:00.000-07:00

spoken like a true man:

"everyone bases their actions off of emotions, krista. it is a part of
life."

this makes me happy on so many levels

2005-09-10T20:33:00.000-07:00

...as seen on friend nodnarB's blog:

"So my friend Krista and I are going to be doing the KristaBran Ice Capades. I think we're going to do it up right too. Tights, slicked hair, glitter...she's gonna wear a tutu and stuff....i HOPE we get pictures...cause it's going to be awesome. We should charge admission. I mean, we may not look bad....I think we'll look hot."

i love my friends.

for those that lost...

2005-09-09T13:09:00.000-07:00

[editor's note: i have grueled over the task of writing this post for an hour. well...that and checked email and talked to my friend who is highly insensitive about life and goodness and inspiration. but...yeah...that's all really]

i got into my annual car wreck today.
for those of you who know me, i get into a car wreck once a year. i have gone through 5 rear bumpers in the 5 years of having my car. the running joke is "people like to tap that ass"...morons.

details shmetails....long story cut short is that i was backing out, she didn't see me, backed out after i did, hit me, drove off, left me standing there with tears on my cheeks and that lonely 'i have no idea what to do now' feeling.

lots of people have that feeling right now.

luckily, her friend was still in the car that was parked behind me, and called her to come back to the scene of the crime to get insurance info. but after carefully examining my scuffed bumper, finding out that she and her car were ok and that she was really just...oblivious that we got into a wreck (cray little lady), i deduced that no, in fact, i would not be able to sue her and profit from this accident like i did the last one....which, sucks, yea...but...it was also nice to be able to hug the little lady, tell her that i am glad she is okay and that she didn't need to pay to get my car washed.

[origionally, this post was going to be funny, but...some thinking occured on my way home that has changed the outlook totally]

as i was pulling into my subdivision, i was stunned to see 4 firetrucks and several policemen leading the entire elementary school by my house down the busy street for a parade. how cute i thought, initially...but...they all had on red white and blue. with balloons, and flags, and most of all, posters that said stuff like:

"we will not forget"

and

"I love America!!!"

and

"God bless my daddy in Iraq"

..........

after this, i broke down. i was genuinely touched. to see these kids laughing and singing and skipping and running and celebrating...reminded me of loved ones lost. or hurting. or broken. and how we felt helpless and kicked to our knees, but...like my feeling after the wreck coping with tragedy (though none as lofty as the empty feeling left in New York) with love and compassion heals wounds quickly.

and then, i thought of New Orleans. i won't tell you that i didn't cry at this tragedy. i spent a few days crying when i looked at the photos taken. when i watch CNN. that hopeless feeling...that loss...it's horrible. but, you know...there is hope.

that hope lies in one thing: brokeness. and these times that we need God most. some may say "why would God allow this to happen?" my answer to that is simply "God allows bad things to happen to show you that what you lost was nothing at all. you still have him, and he is everything."

i read a quote here that reads,

“God is weak and powerless in the world, and that is exactly the way, the only
way, in which he can be with us and help us.”

so when we are broken, God can help us. that is the point we lose our callouses and soften our hearts to others.

as i drove away from the wreck i thought, she could have easily claimed it was my fault. she could have pressed the issue that i give her my insurance information. she could have sued me. just like i could have sued her. but in the midst of our unfortunate event, we calmed each other down...praised God for good bumpers. laughed at how she thought something was wrong with her brakes not knowing that she had hit me, or i her...for that matter.

and both of us left strong in knowing that yea there was a small blunder. but...everything is going to be OKAY.

not to diminish the grandiosity of the war or of new orleans, that is not my intention AT ALL. i simply am saying that yes (!) there ARE bad times. but, God is here in those bad times. and...through all of the muck and muddle, everything will be OKAY. lessons will be learned. hearts will be softenend. the south will rise again (south Louisiana that is.) and mostly...

HE has it all under control.

:)

does anyone see this besides me?!?

2005-09-07T15:54:00.000-07:00

it's always strange to recognise a complete stranger. not like the "have we met before" kind of recognise but the "i saw this person last week at kroger" kind of recognise.

you know you have never met them before, but you can place where you have seen them before.

does that make sense? (i have a hard time explaining some things as i am a HORRIBLE teacher and i get aggravated when people can't read my mind. so if the portrait i paint for you isn't clear, don't make yourself look stupid - just pretend.)

i recognise alex from morning traffic. yes i know his name. i guess the fact that i know who he is, but he has never seen me before would be a bit odd if your weren't informed of the circumstances, but i assure you, that in no way am i invisible, it's just that....he is SO very visable that everyone might recognise him.

and for several reasons when i see alex in rush hour in the mornings, i always find it slightly peculiar that he is even awake at this time of day.

and i wonder:

what does his house look like?

what kind of music does he listen to?

does he wear those black jeans that some guys wear that are so...blgh?

does he have a girlfriend?

what kind of a person is she?

i wonder if she is a bartender or a tatoo artist or if she has a dayjob...

most of the time people wouldn't wonder about these things, but...alex is different that most strangers you see on the road.

i saw him at lunchtime yesterday. part of me wanted to follow him to see where he went. what kind of place he worked at, even. this is because i am FASCINATED by him.

he is just so...strange.

i mean really. who else in this world drives an olde hearse that has been spray painted dull black, with skull fineals on the winged hood, with stenciled "alex can't sleep" all over the sides and tail end?

wouldn't you be curious, too?

i want to be a one hit wonder

2005-09-02T15:54:00.000-07:00

just so in 15 years while i am on hold with the telephone company, i can hear my song as musak.

...

2005-09-02T15:53:00.000-07:00

i can't even work right now.

i sit and stare at the computer.

and all i can think about is how we take for granted everything we have. there are people in Louisiana right now that can't even buy the gas that we whine about paying exorbitant prices for. i bet if they could buy ANY gas for 10 bucks a gallon they would.

and the pets that are gone.

the memories gone.

the retirement plans thwarted.

college funds erased.

education lost.

medication gone. what about those that can't live without their meds? and what about the looters that thrashed through walmart to steal as much hydrocodone.

hell has broken loose and i can't even think straight as i wake up in the morning and take a little jog and put on my makeup and eat fruit loops.

people that were just like me last week. financially sound. stable. healthy. are living on a highway with a towel over their head to keep off the sun. cracked lips. no money. checks. debit cards. eye drops. i.d. and mostly...no hope.

and i think...when will it be my turn to have my life taken away while i walk amongst the living dead, too.

may god bring peace to those that were affected by the hurricane. if nothing else, bring peace.

Fun with Hobos Tres Chic: Surgically Speaking

2005-08-31T15:52:00.000-07:00

deux...duex...doo...i forgot how to spell two. that's ridiculous.Ah-hem....moving along.

i think they are shipping hobos in from new orleans. Weird people are in new orleans...were...in new orleans....(sidenote: i was watching msnbc.com's video feeds of the damage. and really...there IS proof that these cats are crazy when they are breaking into walmart to steal fishing poles when there is a perfectly good...albeit soggy...Saks Fifth Ave. down the street they could be thieving from. right? right?? RIGHT??!!?)

...do you see my logic?
yea me neither. (it's my bad mood talking. i really am just devastated that people would rob stores at a time like this. it's tacky. incredibly tacky.)

But, i have seen some CRAZIES lately. to wit:

yestermorning, while i was pulling up the drive to the office on lovely Haskell Ave in Dallas, i noticed an escapee surgeon (possibly from Baylor)performing emergency operation on...waiiiiit for iiiiit.

waiiiiit for iiiiiiiiiiit....

an ear of corn filled balloon.

i will give you just a second to actually visualize what in the world that is.

::blink::
::blink blink::

basically...you take a latex glove, blow it up, and somehow...through extensive research and years of osmosis...you manage to insert 2 large steaming hot ears of corn into the latex ballooned receptical.

but. there are things you must remember whilst performing such a task:

1. you HAVE to wear green surgical gloves.
2. you MUST have on those little O.R. shoes that cover your sneakers.
3. you are REQUIRED to wear a hospital gown disguising yourself as a runaway psych patient (but we all know better, your sassy tricks will nary disguise your surgeon-esque qualities)
4. you must stop every five minutes from your labor to direct traffic on Haskell at Swiss. (very. very. very. impotante)
5. you POSITIVELY, ABSOLUTELY, MUST (!) slick your hair back with your comb before throwing the glove back into the air, punching it ferociously, and proceeding to rip apart it's loins and gut it's innards for breakfast.

nothing. NOTHING. like that latex glove powder coated corn to start your day.

especially with a view from the curb of a major intersection on a busy inner city street.

"Your Opinion Counts"

2005-08-29T21:13:00.000-07:00

"i am sorry, i couldn't hear you"
"i wasn't really listening, sorry"
"can we talk about this another time?"

that's what i get from you. wow. the one person i want to share thoughts, ideas, feelings, and epiphanies with....dismisses me?

how is this a good thing? i have spent months trying to find my own. and now you want to take this "authority" that you have been handed as a way to shut me up and send me to my corner?
so...i listen to you, however ridiculously insane your thoughts may be. i listen and attempt to rationalize and gather your data and facts to see what you are seeing.

i make that concerted effort for you.

but you just brush me aside like i was your annoying child that you don't have time to deal with. that hurts. i am neither a child nor unintelligent. why can't you just see what i think for once? instead of shutting me out? do you think i have no idea? am i just your vacation? someone you vent to? don't put me on your proverbial back burner to wait for a day that your mind can concentrate on something more than yourself.

...i wonder if this has anything to do with the fact that i am a woman. should i be seen and not heard?

but after i intently listen to your ridiculous-ness, you have the audacity to ask my opinion, like it actually matters to you now??

to that, i say "can we talk about this later?"

adultification and other things i douse with pest control spray.

2005-08-29T15:51:00.000-07:00

i really don't think of myself as an adult. that may have something to do with the fact that i used to date a much older gent which aged me...and so now i am trying to reverse, but really it just has a lot to do with my complete disdain for not having fun anymore.

and friends, bills ain't fun, yo
responsibility is for....a responsible bird...(?)

anyway. i have been putting off the whole paying bills thing for two weeks. i just...have been in such a great mood i don't want to wreck it, you know? and i am sure my mailman is getting annoyed with shoving bills into my box but...i kept putting it on hold. last minute is a good minute. and hopefully a short one, i guess ::shrugs::

it has been weighing on my mind that i have this whole money issue to deal with so heavily that i have even had nightmares about it, kids. that's...more than ridiculous. it is....PROPOSTEROUS!

HOW DAREST MY CONSCIENCE TAKETH ADVANTAGE OF MY INVOLUNTARY THOUGHT PROCESSES!!!!!!

eh....
anyway. so after the dream that the postman glued all my bills to my roof, i decided it was time to bite the proverbial bullet and just get massacred under bills. (if e'er you buy a house, make sure you realize that everything is more expensive. electricity...water...gas...bla bla bla)

it isn't just that which makes me nervous and terrified of the mailbox... i have always been horrified when i see a letter from UNT, because i just KNOW that they are taking my diploma away because i never really graduated due to a computer glitch or...i don't know....a practical joke...or something equally as...unpleasant.

today...both of my nightmares came true.....

although bills weren't glued to the roof, when i opened the box, mail fell onto the ground...

bills...
bills...
bills...
and...UNT.

::blink::
::blink blink::

i walked inside with my handful and sat at the computer. overwhelmed. defeated. broken. empty.

and i started with the worst.
MBNA moved on to utilities....then to clothing stores....saving UNT for last.

i opened it. "please respond immediately"

oh no...hang on...let's assess:
so here am i...losing my diploma...possibly...my job...my life...my house...my dog...my diginity...my modicum of non-success i have come short of achieving...

all for a stupid school that gets computer glitches and sends me a refund for tuition for 10 bucks?!?!?!?!?!!?!?

oh.

sweet. that pays Banana Republic...

dear diary:

2005-08-28T15:50:00.000-07:00

fantastic weekend. period. the end.

jarvis came to see me and we had several free meals hosted by my boss and my family. i learned a lot from him, too. which is a good thing, i think. when you can spend excessive amounts of time with your "plus one" and learn more about yourself than you do them...not only does that make me a true narcissist, but...it also helps with this "us" thing. in ways i am not at liberty to detail. (..you are welcome).

but...i hope it works. i want to keep him around some more. [read: indefinately]

in other news. my space is like...the best form of class reunion. after months and months of toiling over what happened with me and jesse, i may be able to rekindle a great friendship somehow. then two drews found me...the second asked to be added as a friend, but...unbeknownst to him....he knows me already.

YEA!!! I WAS COMPLETELY NERDY IN HIGH SCHOOL!!!! SOMEONE I HAD CLASSES WITH AND TALKED TO EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE HAS ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHO I AM!!!

....and i couldn't be more amused by this. but...if i want to get all gooey and thoughtful on this subject matter, i didn't know who i was in high school either, so he shouldn't feel too bad. hee hee

anway, i am water logged from spending the afternoon at the pool learning the breast stroke...so i am going to go crawl into bed and have sweet dreams.

stay righteous,

k

getting there fast

2005-08-26T15:49:00.000-07:00

i'm running. what am i running from? nothing. it's what i am running toward. surprise! people! there is a positive way to look at this casually negative point of view that everyone has adopted.

running isn't always away...and right now, my arms are stretched out as far as they can go.

the sky is a little bit closer to me tonight (...today?) and the edges of this vast flat earth are close enough for me to make it to the center in just a few short breathes. but for now, i test the waters of the here and now while i smile upon that which i call my goal.

that is my center.

so twinkle morning star lighting my path so calmly. slumber the rest of the world while i discover my own.

it's just me....me and this here dog of mine....and the solitude of positive lonliness. running away from nothing. just trying to make it home.

2005-08-24T19:40:00.000-07:00

i just really hate it when i am dumping my heart and soul out to somone who forced me to talk about a situation in the first place, and they don't even have the consideration to listen.

the audacity to waste my time like that.

really makes me feel top notch. i can see that what i think and feel is important to you since you would rather completely ignore me and turn your ears off when you asked for me to open up to you in the first place.

and then, when in a feeble attempt to redeem you from my being irritated, you laugh AT me for being upset....that really makes me want to have nothing to do with you for a LONG time.

go hang out with your stupid neighbor. have fun.
go answer the phone when a jerk ex boyfriend who quite OBVIOUSLY never gave a rat's ass about you in the first place calls.
and stop asking me for details of a story if right in the heat of it all, you stop me to talk to your mom about what you are eating for dinner.

really. i would NEVER click over the lines when you were upset about something and whining ridiculously. it's just...not courteous.

(and to those of you jerks out there. if you comment this post, and you have the balls to say something smartass like "im sorry what did you say?" i will pretty much massacre you. i kid you not. don't %^& with me right now.)

McKinney: A Family Town

2005-08-23T04:43:00.000-07:00

McKinney. happy. healthy. sunshiny. perfect for families. pets. murderers. and the occasional 1980's made for t.v. monday night movie kidnapper van driving slowly through town...

i like to go running first thing in the morning. yes i know it is early. and dark. but this is McKinney. it is SAFE!! right?

it's that kind of thinking that gets one in my shoes this morning.
my cute pink puma running shoes that is.

to wit:

i was barely down the end of my street when i noticed the van for the first time. we all know this van: no windows. dark. dim lights. drives slowly.
as soon as i saw him. he stopped. we made eye contact. and time stood still long enough for me to catch my breathe and prepare my legs for the next sprint.

annnnnnnd GO!

as soon as i started running, he drove off.

must have overreacted. so i slowed my pace back down and took it easy. (isn't it always when the character in the movie relaxes that the going gets rough?) the second i calmed down, i heard his van behind me. and i was at the next street corner. he turned the van and stopped in my path.

lucky for me that god was watching over me because he placed another car behind the van to distract any wrongdoings the driver may or may not have intended. giving me ample time to haul again in the opposite direction. the street he had turned on was a cul de sac. so i had time to get to the next busy intersection before he could turn around.

but...he didn't turn around. he waited on the circle.

smart move on him to know that as soon as i got to the next street i would turn left thereby putting me in direct contact with him at the end of the cul-de-sac. (they dead end right at the main road i was on and are closed off by bushes and a gate save for a 3' opening to walk through....or get k-napped through...

when i realize he was waiting for me, i decided it was a good time to panic. i stood there long enough behind a bush waiting to decide what to do and he turned his lights back on and turned the van and drove off.

::whew:: (again)

so i went on my merry way.

until...the next cul-de-sac.

and there he was.

by this time, i am full-blown crying and hyperventilating. couldn't decide if i should wave a car down, or just sprint towards home.

so i went down the street he had just left. got back over to where my house was in view, but i was still in trouble of him coming out of the circled street and grabbing me.

which...at that moment, i saw his headlights. without even thinking, i turned down the alley. don't. just don't. i know.

he followed.

luckily, my body is JUUUUUUST shy of the width of a van and i could cut through houses to make my way to my street faster than he could drive there.

and i made sure he wasn't within line of sight when i ran to my house.

slammed the door called the cops.

.....

looked out my window and he was stopped in front of my house.

i don't think he saw me. in fact, i know he didn't. but. there will always be a shard of terror when i come home for the next few weeks, you know?

the cops came and i talked to the officer. he informed me that he found the van, searched his car, and was able to pick up a gratuitous McKinney Tribune as the back of the van was full of the papers the driver was delivering this morning.

...oops.

Orange crush: the cure for all ailments.

2005-08-22T10:12:00.000-07:00

i am a firm believer in flirting. it's fun. it's silly. it's lighthearted. everyone ends up happy...
i have noticed how you can flirt with old men, old women, kids, boys, girls, it doesn't matter. it isn't always romantic in content, just...well...flirtatious.

this is probably something i learned while working at the tanning salon. i discovered that if you flirt with the customers, you could sell them anything. not to be taken advantage of, though. i am not a crook.

so if flirting is so harmless and innocent, why did it hurt him?

i mean...
i admire him, i do.
he is different than others, this is true.
conceited like the others, yes...and arrogant to a degree...but, somehow, his cocky attitude came across more of a marketing scheme than a character flaw.

and that was endearing. IS endearing.

and i cling to that because i flirt. and i develop un-romantic, un-emotional crushes per se...on the object of my flirtation.
i just...didn't see the level at which my emotions were taken.

we were both naive in that sense, i suppose.

regardless, timing is a difficult thing to flirt with, and it shouldn't be tampered. and i hurt someone without even seeing the damage i was causing, however grandios it is or isn't.

for that i am sorry.

i didn't mean to crush you so hard that it hurt.
but please recognise that what i say isn't a taking back of things i have said in the past.
platonically speaking, i DO heart you.

please forgive me.

I Am.

2005-08-22T10:04:00.000-07:00

i couldn't be more satisfied with anyone....anything.
no words, thoughts, feelings, emotions can even tap into the way things align with you.
...perfect.

that's all.

you bring out the you in me.
and this me that comes forth with you in my life...centers me.

and what my life is centered on with you...humbles me.

wild vivd details of future, past, present, then, here, now, and all the inbetweens race in and out in and out...
until.

you are here. and all i see is us.
and all i want is us.
and all that exists is us.

this vacation from life that you grant me when you appear is something i wish to show off to the world. "THIS IS MINE! LOOK WHAT I HAVE!!"
but...for now, those things i will keep to you and me.
only you deserve to know what i have.

and right now all i have is all i need:

you.

grape soda whitens teeth!!

2005-08-19T15:49:00.000-07:00

i am an interior designer. i love to tell people that as interior design is one of the nations top 5 sexiest careers, and, well...i love to remind people that, contrary to popular belief, i AM, in fact, sexy, and, also, addicted to the employment of commas in as many places as utterly, absolutely, and altogether ridiculously, possible. , .

so. that being said, , ,,,,,i am fascinated with color and color theory. i took a class on color theory i think....but, with my general lack in actually paying attention to the 5 most important years of my life, i can't remember if it was a class i took, or just one day that i happened to actually make it to school instead of staying out late playing pool with jeremy or fred, or going mall searching with david.

most likely it was just a one day lesson. so from this moment forward, we will recognise it as such.

that class i learned probably the only thingi learned in college. simple rules of color. quick re-hash to show off my genius:

- red makes you hungry. (put it in your restaurant)

-blue calms you (hospital, airports, wedding chapels..just kidding)

- yellow stresses you out (which is why it isn't used often)

-orange looks cheap, especially with forest green (holiday inn, most of my clothing. again...just kidding)

- maroon looks expensive with forest green....

bla bla bla

the most interesting bit of useless info is that with age, your eye begins to yellow, causing you to see everything through an oh so slight yellow haze.

THAT being said.

think aboot the old lady blue hair phenomenon: simply silver shampoo (which is a shampoo with purple color tint) is used to turn yellowed white hair a more silvery white pure snow color.

old ladies see their hair more yellow than the average youngster. so what to do? BY GEORGE! use more purple!!!!

this gives the hair a slight purple hue which to her looks beautiful and white as the pure driven snow, but to us....i simply looks like old lady blue hair.

grape soda is also tinted purple. teeth are tinted, with age, a slight yellow hue.etc.etc.etc.

i am pretty sure this would be an AMAZING marketing scheme for the makers of grape soda. (and my idea is copywritten, so...don't try it fool)

but please, if you are an elderly citizen, don't try this technique without the use of an...um...a child.

working 9-5!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2005-08-11T20:16:00.000-07:00

i take after my dad in too many ways.
i am fat.
i have a stupid sense of humor.
i have his forehead...no fivehead.
i yawn like him (although i try to hide it)
a temper.
i am silly.
i love to give.
i mostly love to give money, even though i need it.

but these are all basic things that people have in common with their parents.
for each one of these things, i can name a number of characteristics i share with my mother.

such is life.
we are all just a bunch of lovechilds from our parents....this is truth.

what stikes me odd is the way that my infant career is starting to mask my dad's.
(and i will admit that this scares me as i feel that he is a workaholic. and i ne'er want to be that girl...)
but the fun part that i find coincidental is that in retrospect, i have never sought out a job.

they have all landed in my lap.

from my first gig as a tee shirt store clerk. the owner told me she wanted to hire me because she recognized my mom as a continuous customer and liked her. so i ought to be good for the show.

i was 14.

this has happened for 10 years now. to wit:

the tee shirt shop
the antique mall
the shoe dept
working for moms and pops
the pharmacy
tanning salon
the internship
my current interior design firm position

none have a i asked for.
they have all been handed on a silver plate. at the precise time that i was starting to get desperate and just about to get to the point where i was going to think about maybe possibly toying with the idea of perhaps somehow checking into digging around for a job elsewhere.

which is great, seeing as how i am utterly lazy and complacent and would be fine still working folding australian cotton with a clip board. (that is completely untrue...but whatever)

my good friend boliver knows that i have a crap money situation. and that i am working my tail off for no benefits and a horrible salary.

for what? beh...experience shexshmerience. (wait....yeah)

and as my ambassodor, boliver's got m'back. he was out with a company meeting talking to my old boss from my internship about how great i am (thanks for lying, man. your check is in the mail) and how i am having a rough time at my current.

"call her. i want to talk to her"

....and as i am on vacation last weekend, and driving towards new orleans, i get a ring from his number, but it is J wanting to know "what the hell" i am doing.
(gawd she rawks)
apparantly, she knows of a great opening for a new coordinator job through her company and wanted me to send out my resume.

from my hotel, i did that night.
screw Bourbon street when i could be getting a new job, ya?

and it occurs to me that i was just about to get to the point where i was going to think about maybe possibly toying with the idea of perhaps somehow checking into digging around for a new job elsewhere.
and although that sounds really serious, i hadn't even put much thought to it yet.
just an "i need to do this sometime in the future"...which is pretty much vague.

and here it is....finding me. (maybe)

so i go on my interview tomorrow.
having no expectations.
not to mention zero clue about what to do or say.
but knowing that Boliver, J, and several others are preaching my gospel to the interviewer and i sit at home hoping that this interview doesn't take so long that i won't be able to make it to Jarvis' on time.

...but i still hope i get this job.
::bites fingernails secretly::

yes, mommy dearest

2005-08-03T17:12:00.000-07:00

i was talking to my mom today in instant messenger while i was at work.
she was relaying some message to me about something my brother said and she mentioned having to go back for a second mamogram.

....wait. what!?!? hold the phone.

my mom and i tell each other everything. EVERYTHING.
she says that she lives vicariously through me. so i make sure to tell her all of my stories whereby allowing her a bit of fun in her day.
she tells me all of her woes. every single word that my neice says. every action anyone in the family makes.
obviously, she and i are close.

so...why did she fail to tell me that she had to go back to the doctor for a repeat mamogram???

this kills me.
she had her first appointment i guess last week. i remember her telling me about that. but apparantly, something came back on the results a little darker than what should be expected and she received a letter asking her to come back in.
a freaking letter. holy shittake. and she got it on saturday. so all day saturday, sunday, and monday she had to worry that she may have cancer. 3.5 days she had to go through this until she could be seen for a second xray. can you imagine?

how awful that she had to go through that.

yesterday was her appointment.

i knew she went to the doctor because when i called the office to talk to my dad and ask him to lunch since it was his 105th birthday, i talked to her and asked if she would come with.
she said she had an appt.

didn't think a thing of it.

she never even told me.

i don't know what i would do without her. i mean come on people i am 24 years old and i still go home just to watch t.v. with her and put my head in her lap while we watch HGTV. when dad has to work at the hospital on the weekends, i make plans to hang out with her.

no matter how nasty and irish and livid and bitchy i get, my mom is always there to soak up my hyperemotions like a sponge and take a beating on behalf of other people that do me dirty.

she is perfect...
i wrote this once the first month i started blogging:

"you are everything i ever want to be, and more perfect than anyone i know - faults and all. you make me stop to take a breathe of fresh air, and you are my fresh air. how can you always be so happy? i wish i could protect you from everything and just say "stop! don't you see how pure and wholesome she is? don't you see how loving and caring? don't you feel how you hurt her when you take advantage? " you are undoubtedly one of my favorite people in the entire world."

i mean every word.
i mean more than every word.
i could constantly make an addendum to that quote.

3:00 yesterday afternoon, she found out that she was in the clear. nothing was wrong.

i found out about all of this at noon today.

she says "why tell anyone else and have them worry about it?"
she is so strong.

i love you, momma.

self help?

2005-08-03T15:48:00.000-07:00

yesterevening as i was driving home from work, i got the grand idea to start a self awareness / self fixer-upping (i know there is a word i should use here, but as i am busy pretending to work, i have not the time to actually look it up on thesauras.com) regime.

like the true narcissist i am, i want to spend my few free hours after work making myself even better to complete my goal of convincing the world to love me as much as i love myself (gawd, i love sarcasm).
actually. there are just some areas in my life that i want to improve upon, which i think is natural when one starts to get bored with their life, right?

so when i got home, i picked up a book that i had been meaning to read for the past 4 years. it isn't a self help book but more on the lines of building my relationship with God, kind of book.

and one chapter in, i made a striking realization....
(....no...it wasn't that i am perfect and need no improvement, i thank you for the compliment, but my alleged perfection was only a joke...no realy...i'm not perfect...)

i realized how annoying women can be. ::insert my joke about how i am a male shauvinist pig here:: but this book is completely based on how women should build their relationships with God thereby empowering them to, oh i don't know....grow wings and fly to the top of the food chain (although we will always be underneath sharks. i have come to that striking discovery recently)

i just...get tired of hearing people complain how this is a man's world and women are thrown to the wayside. mumbo jumbo about how we are suppressed or oppressed, whichever, really does wear on me.

dude, man, brotha, we are all equal yo. (but still underneath sharks...and maybe also nuclear bombs) so this garbage about how we need to stand up as women and fight for our rights is just...a few decades old for me.

i can vote now.
and we can all sit anywhere on the bus that we want to.
so really, it has to stop.

and also, you should love me. because i am great!
(i didn't know how to end this post...so as usual, when i am uncomfortable, i resort to sarcasm. i really am sorry about that.)

bah!

2005-08-02T19:53:00.000-07:00

can i please be neurotic?
thanks.

i was so optimistic when i was on the brown grass side of life.
and now that there is lush greenery and gorgeous painted flowers, all i see is the grey.

and so i have become pessimistic.

this hardly seems correct.
curses!

and when i come back from vacation and i dont get what compensation i deserve for my dedication, not only will heads roll...but there will be changes made.

...i say this on behalf of my glass half empty point of view.

i sure am an angry sumbitch....i wish i weren't.
curses on irishness.

always the baggage, ne'er the bride...

2005-07-29T14:20:00.000-07:00

[editor's note: the opinions expressed by the author in this post in no way reflect the opinions of the author of this post....wait...eh.]

a friend of mine was telling me today that she has this sick habit (although she didn't call it sick or a habit...i just use that for entertainment value) of always being the girl that a guy dates right before he meets the girl he is going to marry.

that is AWESOME!

she will always be the baggage that a wife has to put up with.

so at this rate, there are about 16 women out there that have had to hear about her and the relationship that she had with their husbands.
she is the one that approx. 16 men compare their wives to. she is the one that maybe, potentially, around 16 times she will be introduced to a woman who says, through fiery eyes, "oh YOOOOOUUUU are lish...." then be given a waxy, tangy smile.

what a fantastic setup!!

and on the opposite side of the spectrum, i think it is great that she can now say that she is good at training men to want to commit, but she never actually has to commit herself.

women should be paying her to date men so that they can nab the well trained boy when her relationship with him goes under.

teach me thine ways o' friend of mine....i want to be just like you. ;)

especially after my lunch with ALF today.
she is in a dead end relationship with the proverbial momma's boy...we will call pilot. it's been over with him for months. but they both keep waiting for each other to be the bad guy.

ugh it's okay to be single.

really.

especially if you are absolutely.completely.100% miserable with a dewd. but she "needed closure".

okay...really? um...why? i think closure is some stupid thing that some girl somewhere made up to make herself feel better when she wasted her time with a guy in high hopes that "this time it will be different". is it ever different? um....NO!

so why do people...eh...girls continually cower themeselves and throw themselves through torture when they KNOW for a fact that it isnt going to workout? why do they waste their time? their money? their emotions? their spirit? on someone that does nothing with those things when they are handed to them on a silver NAY! gold platter?

suck it up, girls of america.

tis' okay to be independent. especially when your man is a beat down.
not that i have that problem, cause i don't.....but aboot 87% of my girlfriends do, and i am tired of hearing them complain.

so for me, and MY sanity (because i am the only one that counts here, afterall, it IS MYspace.) please do me a favor and just grow some...well...get some gusto and can the guy.

then, let's go out and try to hook you up with someone cute :) maybe, if you are lucky, someone that lish has dated.

simplicity.

2005-07-27T19:43:00.000-07:00

driving home tonight from such a long day...i started thinking how i wanted to be closer to you.

i want you to be the home i go to when things aren't great.
but unbeknownst to me you are the home i have always.

and though you were sitting right next to me in the car.
at work.
at the gas station.
the market.

the only time i really wanted you was when i walked into the door.
i could sink into your arms.
breathe you in.

no words exchanged...just...knowing.
i would sit in silence and let you take your time with me.
you know how i like to take things slow.

i know how you like to take things in stride.

and what's best of all?
i can freely say these things to you because i know that you are deserving of all the caring i can offer.
you are deserving of many good things.
and you won't reject the words i say to you out of admiration.

and just as it makes you feel good to hear that i feel for you in the magnitude that i do,
i am beaming that i got to let out emotion so easily.

and just like that....
all of the bad things are erased.

best things in life pay off in the end.

2005-07-27T15:47:00.000-07:00

i birthed the idea of becoming a guitar legend on independence day 2000.
my grandpa was laying on his deathbed taking his last week in stride. when someone is slowing leaving you, things become very clear.
what was clear to me was that i wanted him to be proud of me. but i am not sure he ever was. don't get me wrong. he loved me. but there was nothing that i could do that put that twinkle in his eye like i saw when my brother would play guitar and sing for him.

i wanted that twinkle to be for me.

somehow or another, i had come across a lot of money. (a lot in this case means roughly $500.) so while i watched papaw smile with pride for sean, i knew what i needed to do.

the next day, i made sean take me to guitar center to purchase my first acoustic thinking he knew enough about quality to help me get one worth the price.

we chose the bright red fender acoustic...

without thinking twice, i threw out $546.73 to contribute to the cause.

that's a lot of money for someone that just got out of high school and that was working part time for minimum wage 15 hours a week.
that would be at least 3 months worth of earnings for me.

there was a singe of guilt. buyer's remorse, and what have you's while i played until my fingers bled. that is, untill i learned my first song. waterdeep's "Hush"

that, of course, dissipated the first time i played in front of people and they all fell in complete love with me...narcissistically speaking. (it's satire. deal with it). i did, however, discover that when holding a guitar and singing, my fun krista points upped about ten fold.

which meant this was a good idea to begin with.
and undoubtedly, that first purchase was one of the best i have ever made.

tonight, i sat down with a friend of mine to jam out. he is my music guru of sorts, and sometimes, i would like to think that i am his as well.
he inspires me to buy cd's. i inspire him to learn more songs.
or at least that is what i would like to think.

ne'er the less. i think some of my best moments in life are just hanging out with a friend, a few guitars, and hoarse voices.

it's cheap entertainment now, though it wasn't always.
you gotta pay your dues for the things you deserve.

papaw never did hear me play. he passed away a week later.
but i did see a twinkle in someone's eye. only it wasn't out of pride.(i am not that proud of myself.) it was out of sheer joy that overwhelmed me while i beat the hell out of a strat standing on a sofa at scott's house.

the latest

2005-07-24T08:11:00.000-07:00

time is revolution
it's a war on my mind
you'll always be the canon
flashing lightbulbs in my eye

to say that i am hurting
with this thorn in my side
will always keep you coming
to feel the ache of the bumpy ride

winter was always my choosing
but now the summer feels so cool
...on my skin
you say you want a change
i can be that way
if it will keep you feeling good
so good...
so good.

so i will drop my weapons
on your holy ground
leave my soul wide open
to anything you throw at me now

do you see me stranded?
with my fists in the air
baby come over here and show me the reasons
you still care

winter was always my season
now it makes me feel so cold
...and alone.
it time for me to change
i can be that way
if it will keep you feeling good
so good...
so good.

ive never been this old in all of my life.

2005-07-23T20:16:00.000-07:00

let's get personal here, okay?
i have made a shocking (and quite tramatizing) discovery.
my bewbs are starting to sag.

i am 24.

and old as i have ever been.

i don't know if i am shrinking in the chest, or if it really is age, but...i have noticed a lot of extra skin in the mammory glandial region.

i would like to think they are getting smaller as they grew to heavy proportions when i started gaining weight. so i mean equal opposite reaction and all of that stuff, right?

lose weight...gain skin....

i dated a guy once that had one of the best bodies i have ever seen on a redhead.
or more appropriately that i had ever seen a red head on....that's only if you want to get technical, though.

he had once been, to my amazement, almost 100 lbs heavier before i met him.
(and LORD were those pictures grotesque...)
but he had lots of extra skin in his tummy area after he dropped the poundage. in his defense, you never saw the skin surplus until he started getting all estroginal and whining aboot how fat he was and pulled on the skin.

that's kind of what this looks like to me.

not that it is noticeable to the casual viewer (all none of them) but only if i twist in odd positions or pull on the skin will i notice how much extra there is.

...and all of a sudden, i wish i hadn't told you this much....

responses

2005-07-23T15:46:00.000-07:00

so much sense he made.....why had i not seen it sooner?
though i twist and tangle and fight and fangle
the only enemy here is myself.
the only fear is fear itself.

did i take too much out on him?
i think i hurt him to keep myself safe.
i am so sorry. so, so sorry.
i don't want to change him....i want to change me.

that is a thought i deal with uneasily, for i like this me that i have grown to need to change. comparable to a season, i suppose....
winter was always my chosing, but sometimes, the warmth of summer feels so cool against my skin.

but, differences scare me.
if i could deny myself to appease you, oh how i would.
but i think what would be better than this cold lonely winter i have enjoyed myself become
is the spring of new life flourish and a season now begun.

i am scared of me. but moreso, i am scared of you finding me and not liking her.

teetering on the brink of creation versus the end. i hope it moves forward and i have the ability to say "i know you." and with me blend.

if i could say this to you right now, i only hope it would clear all the air.
i, too, overanalyze....and i want to take down a few of the bricks.

would that scare you?

what is this??

2005-07-23T15:42:00.000-07:00

you think the things that you do go unnoticed.
but i see every single move.
silently, i bask in each one seperately, lingering....
i hang on the breathe that i take when you do those things.
they don't go unnoticed.

you just don't see me noticing...

you are my summer.

2005-07-23T07:43:00.000-07:00

you say you like it drippy. oozing with emotion and rhyming couplets.
you say you feel a notion that i tear you into little cutlets.

i say, "you, are my summer".

that's something you may not understand. but i think one day you will.
for as winter rolls around, it takes with it the thrill.

of you being my summer.

and for a season or thrice you go. don't make a habit on me.
say i will see you in the autumn through the falling of the leaves.

and stay until next summer.

and in the sprintime merry when new life comes to town
i'll open my eyes each morning and still have you around.

made forever my summer.

responses

2005-07-23T07:42:00.000-07:00

hmmm, interesting

2005-07-21T18:50:00.000-07:00

i have writer's block.
which is basically ridiculous as i am neither a writer or worried about it.

it just strikes me odd that i can't seem to find much to write about.
i could whine.
but i don't want to hear myself whine let alone make you endure it.

and you know what the sad part is?
i can't write about what i want to write about because i am afraid somehow he will find it.

i want to write about how i despise his weak personality.
how i loathe how pathetically selfish he is in his own groveling.
how i am completely turned off by his excuse-ridden tangents on his own emotions.

and where are mine in all of this?
...huh...i have no idea. because i have been too busy trying to stay nuetral for someone who bounces around so much that even i am dizzy.

hows THAT for ironic?!?

there are some things that people i surround myself just don't get involved in.
and the irony really becomes apparant in that i surround myself in him, but he is involved like no other i have ever seen.

don't get me wrong though. i am not mad about anything.
just...i sort of adopt other peoples habits, and the habit of his i adopted (though not as grandios as the culprit habitual blow to the head) is thinking too much.

so...i am just confused.
but not in a bad way.

in a "hmmm...interesting"
sort of way.

and now i have come full cirlce.